"Sitting is enjoyable," reads a recent editorial in The Boston Globe. "But a growing pile of scientific evidence is suggesting that too much could be deadly." Sorry, it's true--sitting is going to kill you. It's going to kill you and then you'll be dead. And if you try to sit up in a coffin, you'll bonk your head. It will serve you right.

"A recent study, which followed 4,800 Americans and was published in the European Heart Journal, found that sitting for extended periods correlated with heart-disease risk factors like larger waists, higher cholesterol, and higher levels of insulin," the Globe editorial notes. "Small differences in behavior were tied to very different outcomes: the more participants got up to take mini-breaks during work, for example, the lower their chances of developing heart disease."

Sitting will kill you! But everything will kill you. Snow days, the Super Bowl, Four Loko, nerds with swords. Laughing will kill you and conducting will kill you and you'd better believe wearing too many hats will kill you.

Are you sitting right now? Stand up. Stand up. What's wrong with you? Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.