AUTHOR: Rob Long, contributing National Review editor

COMPLAINT: Environmentalists are trying to rob him of his new Japanese toilet, "sunflower-sized showerhead," and incandescent bulbs

ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING 'WASTEFUL': "In the crosshairs of the eco-police"

ANOTHER WAY OF SAYING COMPACT FLUORESCENT BULBS: "awful Dairy Queen-looking things"

AN APPROPRIATE PLACE FOR COMPACT FLUORESCENTS: East Germany

WHERE COMPACT FLUORESCENTS ARE CURRENTLY MADE: China

WHICH MEANS: "China will win"

HOW SO? "We'll all be squinting into the sick gray light while they sneak in and take everything."

THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO WORK ONESELF INTO A FOAMING RAGE:
The only time I ever really lost my temper in a business setting ...was when the studio decided to install those awful light bulbs in some kind of ludicrous "green" initiative. ... The minute the sun went down, it was as if we were working in an emergency zone, with flickering generator lamps lighting our job site.

I sent a polite memo to the studio facilities crew asking for the incandescents to be reinstalled. They sent a polite memo in reply denying that request ... I'd like to say that I handled this in a firm and civilized way, but I didn't. I went nuts. I marched over to the studio president's office and demanded that he spend the next evening in my office in the cold yellow haze and try to read a script printed in a twelve-point font. I yelled and threatened and shouted and screamed, which people do in Hollywood all the time for more money or a bigger trailer or a helicopter taxi, but rarely for better light bulbs.
ENVIRONMENTALISM, EXPLAINED:
As far as the environmental movement is concerned, we're running out of everything--polar icecaps, sea turtles, crude oil--and the trick is to cut our appetites down to size, to stop wanting to stand under a gushing showerhead in a bright morning bathroom and think, I can handle what’s coming at me today.
THUS DOES ROB LONG REFUTE ENVIRONMENTALISTS: "It's not about showerheads and wattage. It's about optimism. Either you think a more prosperous world is a good thing--that prosperity and ingenuity can solve most of our pressing problems--or you don't."

CONCLUSION: He stands with the "optimistic hedonists." Those "environmental bureaucrats" will not take his toilet.