Good news, white people. You, as you suspected, are not racist. Instead, you are victims of racism, unless you're Democrat, in which case you are a slave driver.

In a better world, we would not need to point out the horrible things said by former Rep. Allen West and Ted Nugent. In that better place, there actually isn't racism and there aren't people who say really remarkably horrible things because they want our attention. But that world is not this one and it seems unlikely that the Internet is going to do a whole lot to get us there. In our world, Ted Nugent — a man who is famous for producing terrible songs in the 1970s and then killing animals for fun thereafter — writes things like this:

Look at that combination of words. Then, read on.

A truly disturbing and disgusting profanity-laced video of a 2-year-old little boy made national headlines recently after the Omaha Police Union posted the video on its website.

The street thugs who made the video and the little boy are black. This is important to note as the nation gets ready to celebrate the life of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. on Jan. 20.

It is important, Ted Nugent argues, that as we celebrate Dr. King's life — a celebration of great solemnity at the Nugent house, we're sure — we also remember that as small a subset of the black population as it is possible to carve out acts in a reprehensible way. Nugent adds to his legacy of terrible riffs by extrapolating from that Omaha incident out to the "culture rot" and "destruction of black America." (There's this wonderful bit of obtuseness in which Nugent cites the rate of black incarceration as evidence of the flaws of the black population. This isn't a new argument, but it's always fresh in its complete failure to understand the nature of racism.)

Nugent concludes: "To honestly celebrate the legacy of Dr. King, black America would have to admit to the self-inflicted destructo-derby they are waging and begin to tell their liberal Democratic slave drivers to take a hike."

Among those slave drivers, Allen West — again, once a member of Congress — would add President Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder, were West to compare Democrats to slave drivers which we assume is even beyond the pale for Allen West (but maybe not). Instead, as he wrote in a blog post earlier this week, he would more modestly note that those prominent Democrats are racist. "This is my clear and succinct message to white Americans," he writes.

How long will it be before “you people” realize you have elevated someone to the office of president who abjectly despises you — not to mention his henchman Holder. Combined they are the most vile and disgusting racists — not you.

As a white man, let me first say: whew! That is a relief. And then let me say hahahaha, no, I don't think so.

West's argument is actually pretty similar to Nugent's. Both argue that liberals foster an environment in which black Americans are doomed to fail. But while Nugent only really says this as a shield for saying horrible things about black people, Allen actually tries to show how.

Earlier this week, the attorney general announced a plan to reduce the number of times infractions in schools end up with young people being arrested — an escalation that is more likely to happen to a black kid. West thinks this is bad. Like Nugent, he uses anecdotal examples of black people behaving badly to ping-pong quickly from how a kid tried to punch him once at a school to how liberals undermine family structures to the dangers of the Common Core curriculum. Oh, and then to how Eric Holder sympathizes with Mumia Abu-Jamal.

Holder is actually trying to reduce the number of black people being incarcerated, which, in that better world, Nugent would appreciate. The attorney general's goal is to create better long-term prospects for young people that make mistakes by not making the repercussions for those mistakes one that last for decades. He's hoping to allow young people to avoid felony convictions when possible, hopefully assuring that they won't be horrible anecdotes cited by partisan jerks and instead become part of the vast, vast majority of the African-American population that has a job and a family and watches terrible TV on weeknights.

As Dr. King's birthday approaches, please celebrate the fact that white men and black men can join together in blaming black people and Democrats for long-standing institutional racism. And that, at the very least, no more inappropriate things could possibly be said at this moment beyond what West and Nugent have offered.

Oh, except this: