If you have someone on your holiday/Christmas/whatever shopping list who's into politics, do not buy him or her a book about politics. (Certainly do not buy them Double Down.) Instead, buy them one of these politically-inspired gifts, that say both "I wanted to go the extra mile" and, in some cases, "I am perhaps emotionally unstable."
Gift idea #1: Rasta Obama iPhone case
Available from: Zazzle.com
Recommended for: Stoners, liberals, racists
From the manufacturer: "Contoured perfectly to fit the iPhone 5/5S, this case features a hard shell plastic exterior and shock absorbing liner to protect your device from minor drops and bumps."
From the designer: "Obama artwork for Reggae fans."
Gift idea #2: The Herman Cain comic book
Available from: Comic Flea Market
Cost: $3.99 in paper form, $1.99 as ebook
Recommended for: Herman Cain
The description speaks for itself, but emphasis added.
Business man, social activist and best seller writer Herman Cain is featuring in the newest comic book biography. See his strong ties to family to the growth of some of the top US businesses to even his stint in the political world. Herman Cain is here is stay!
If you give this to someone and make a 9-9-9 joke about it, please turn yourself in to the police.
Alternative gift idea: The Ted Cruz coloring book, $5.
Gift idea #3: Paintings of Edward Snowden
Available from: Shenzhen, China (via Corinna Gardner)
Recommended for: People that like that one picture of Edward Snowden
Here is what actually baffles me about this. The artist went to all of the trouble of painting Edward Snowden with various backdrops: Red Square, Hong Kong. Snowden's facial expression was changed; in one picture, he raises his hand to his glasses. Why then couldn't he be in a different shirt? I would buy this, right now, for lots of money, if he were in a gingham shirt. That is no joke. $100, right now.
Gift idea #4: A Benghazi throw pillow
Available from: Cafepress.com
Recommended for: Sleepy Tea Partiers
This elegant item, created by Cafepress user FrecklesFunCat, would spice up any living quarters with comfort, style, and a little bit of TRUTH-TELLING about the LIBERAL COVER-UP. Cafepress offers the following picture as an example of how you might use your new pillow:
"Hey, nice couch, very mod— um, what's with the pillow?"
Alternative gift idea: This subtle "Benghazi's Murderers" mug, featuring pictures of Obama and Hillary Clinton. Only $16.50; sure to be a hit at the office.
Gift idea #5: A Reagan.com Gift Certificate
Available from: Reagan.com
Cost: $40 (or five for $28 apiece, for some reason)
Recommended for: Anyone on Fox News
The good folks at Reagan.com are offering a $40 gift certificate for sale, which lets you buy things from the Reagan.com shop, at which there are six products, most of which are polo shirts but one of which is Reagan.com gift certificates. The discount on bulk orders of gift certificates suggests that you could buy five $40 gift certificates at $28 for each one, then use those gift certificates to buy seven more gift certificates at a discount, building up a $12 profit again and again until you've racked up millions of dollars in Reagan.com store credit for which you only paid $40. Then you can buy hundreds of thousands of polo shirts that say "Reagan.com" on them.
If you are more "fiscally conservative" (cheap) you can also sign your gift recipient up for a Reagan.com email address, which the site claims is more secure than big email providers. Trust, but verify.
Gift idea #6: A Barack Obama barf bag
Available from: Stockman2014.com
Cost: A $10 donation to Rep. Steve Stockman's Senate campaign
Recommended for: Texas Republicans with inner ear problems
Spotted by The Daily Beast's Ben Jacobs, no man, woman, or child will be able to resist vomiting into this clever bit of political commentary. Stockman, who's challenging Texas Sen. John Cornyn in next year's Republican primary, is known for his "funny" and "bizarre" tweets. That same irreverent attitude and baffling understanding of major political philosophies has been printed on barf bags so he can get money from you.
"[T]hose liberals are going to hate what I have planned to undo the Obama agenda when I return to Congress!," Stockman's website says, apparently forgetting that he's already in Congress. Maybe he wasn't feeling well when he wrote that.
Gift idea #7: An Uzbek embroidery of Josef Stalin smoking a pipe
Available from: eBay.com
Cost: $60, plus $34 in shipping
Recommended for: People who only got up to 1943 in their Stalin biographies
This handsome traditional embroidery — known as a "suzani" — is two feet by three-and-a-half feet. Suzanis are traditionally used as dowries, meaning that this would have been an intended enticement for a man to marry a family's daughter. Or maybe it was more of a threat? We aren't sure.
If you were wondering, the eBay listing contains this note: "It is not strange to see here depiction of Stalin."
Gift idea #8: A non-holiday-specific holiday card featuring Sarah Palin
Available from: Heritage Foundation
Recommended for: People who hate the War on Christmas but don't celebrate Christmas
The conservative Heritage Foundation has a whole series of holiday e-cards, featuring such heartwarming holiday classics as "Calvin Coolidge smiling at something off-camera" and "Heritage Foundation head Jim DeMint grinning at you." But the best pick is the Palin card. Palin must have taken some time off of her national book tour, promoting her book about how we need to demand people call the holiday "Christmas," in order to approve this card. And that, folks, is irony.
Gift idea #9: Obamacare t-shirts making Bart Stupak jokes
Available from: Zazzle.com
Cost: $20.95 and up
Recommended for: Hipsters who paid a lot of attention to politics in 2010
What's that? You don't know who Bart Stupak is? Well, then you're not cool enough to enjoy these hysterical T-shirts. Stupak was a pro-life Democrat who ended up voting for Obamacare after he forced an extended conversation about abortion coverage. Then he lost his reelection. Topical!
As you can see, one shirt says, "What Call Me Stupak?" which we admit that we are not hipster enough to be able to parse. The other says, "I‘m with Stupak," including the inverted apostrophe, and may have once been worn by Stupak's wife, for all we know.
The best old-school Obamacare shirt, however, is this one, which you must buy in black.
Why don't we record Hoyer saying "We don't have the votes yet on Obamacare", and re-broadcast it every few weeks, to save him all that trouble??
That, my friends, is a sick burn, we think. But order now: there's no guarantee that Zazzle will maintain its stock of hyper-specific, impressively outdated political jokes for another three years.