The union of Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan has brought us many wonderful things ranging from fashion editors waxing about their sartorial choices to the wonky Medicare debate, but this beautiful relationship has also spawned something far weirder: erotic fan fiction.
It makes sense that Romney and Ryan would be drafted into the sweaty imaginations of fan fiction writers, especially since the genre is having a moment. There's Fifty Shades of Grey climbing out of the self-published world and into the history books, of course, while legions of randy fans write Harry Potter into sexually-charged situations, and (on what seems like a daily basis) fanboys and girls prove that the boys of Supernatural aren't safe from a bit of literary naughtiness. Even Ryan Lochte ad Michael Phelps have been drafted, as Jezebel's Erin Gloria Ryan recently revealed.
With Romney and Ryan so ubiquitous, it's not exactly a surprise that authors would write them into imaginary compromising situations. And we know what you're thinking--how exactly does this fit into the race to become President and Vice President of the United States? Well, it's not like journalists aren't seriously discussing Ryan's P90x workout routine or his ill-fitting suits, reframing this wonkiest of wonks into, well, a sex symbol. Whether they know it or not, these legitimate writers are dabbling in the same kind of fetishizing obsession as fan fiction creators.
So let's have at it (Warning: You will not be able to unsee and unread the things you are about to see/read, so consider this the point of no return):
Yes, some of it is raunchy and there's some mention of dressage isn't off limits:
Obama's campaign has already said they won't make fun of the Romney family's funny horse sport. Bailey Marie, author of erotic hits like Daddy Takes the Babysitter: The Ride Home and Caught and Punished 2: The Constable did not make that promise and has released the 11-page Dressage: A Mitt Romney/Paul Ryan Presidential Slash Fic. No, I didn't fork over the 99-cents to buy the book on Amazon (I don't have a Kindle), but blogger Grady Hendrix did, and excerpted the best parts:
‘Paul?’ Mitt asked, curiously. ‘Is that you?’
A meaty neigh came out of the man before him, stark naked and on all fours. He wore a mohawk of a wig, a $20,000 polished leather saddle over his back, and a plug stuffed into his backside that gave him a beautiful arching tail. He reared up onto his hind legs, revealing the horse-like manhood on his underside.
Whoa. And it gets political, too:
‘Screw me like we’ll screw the poor,’ Mitt called out ...
We're guessing that mean compassionately?
There are also beautiful images (via Paul Ryan x Mitt Romney Fanfiction Tumblr):
And there's gender-bending...
"My friend Maggie wrote this and wanted me to publish it. In which Paul Ryan is actually a woman and Mitt Romney has an affair with him/her." writes Rhiannon Roselle on Fanfiction.net. Roselle's friend's (not very humorous) humor piece reads:
Mitt, now panicking over the news he just recieved, turns to Paul and says, "I was homeschooled by Godfearing Christians. I never learned that stuff, or the ethical treatment of animals in cars." "So are we going to keep it or what. You've pretty much gotten rid of any options." says Paul, or Paulette as the thickened plot now reveals.
Paulette and Mitt live happily ever after, by the way.
And there isn't always sex...
Over at Socrates' Closet, the writer focuses more on Ryan allowing Romney to be the man he always wanted to be:
And Willard looked deep into the eyes of his counterpart - one green, one hazel - and suddenly he saw the next four years of his life as clear as day. He saw himself standing in front of great big crowds, talking about how much he loved trees and cars; but he saw himself doing all of those things while standing next to this man, this beautiful man. To Willard, a presidency with Paul Ryan by his side would not be just a presidency. It would be an adventure, and it would be so sweet.
They too lived happily ever after. (We think?)
And some of it is vindictive...
Over at the Dirtbag Teaparty, writing Ryan and Romney into gay slash-fic seems to be an exercise in vengeance:
Would Mitt ever see him as an equal? Maybe it didn’t matter. Paul would be Mitt’s anything, he would grovel at Mitt’s tassled Florsheims. He wanted nothing more than to have Mitt reciting lines from Atlas Shrugged while pounding...
Yea, we'll stop there. You get the picture.
But a lot of it is just inexplicable...
As we mentioned, there's even a tumblr dedicated to Ryan x Romney fanfic. And no we're not sure if it's for the laughs or if people are still actually turned on by it (mind you women are writing the fan fiction too), or maybe both? And before you start pointing out the craziness of this, it's worth noting that 2008's election spawned all kinds of weird fanfic too (think: Sarah Palin/Hillary Clinton, Bush/Gore, Barack/Rahm, etc.). What we didn't find (not that we looked too hard for it) was any Romney x Pawlenty or Romney x Portman fan fiction. Though we're guessing it'd be just as ridiculous (by all means, prove us wrong).