Ladies, we know taking a pill at the same time every day is a huge pain. And you've probably heard those rumors that the birth control pill has some weird side effects. Sure, those side effects just so happen to line up perfectly with the side effects of an unsatisfying long-term relationship -- moodiness, weight gain, lack of interest in sex -- but who wants to take the risk? Well, the men of the House GOP have some great tricks to prevent pregnancy without that dumb old pill.
Tip #1 Get Raped -- Or Just Be Really Emotional
When Rep. Todd Akin said women couldn't get pregnant when raped because "the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down," he wasn't making up something new. Akin said he got the idea "from doctors," and later, from "medical reports." This is a classic trick that's been around for decades and is based on longstanding fake science. As The Atlantic's Garance Franke-Ruta explained, John C. Willke, former president of National Right to Life Committee, made this claim decades ago. Per Franke-Ruta, Willke said:
Every woman is aware that stress and emotional factors can alter her menstrual cycle. To get and stay pregnant a woman's body must produce a very sophisticated mix of hormones. Hormone production is controlled by a part of the brain that is easily influenced by emotions. There's no greater emotional trauma that can be experienced by a woman than an assault rape.
By that logic, maybe you could watch a real tear-jerker movie after a date with your boyfriend?
We're not sure if that would work with the tip offered by Pennsylvania Republican state Rep. Stephen Freind in 1988. He said that when raped, women "secrete a certain secretion" that kills rapist sperm.
Tip # 2 Be a Teenager
When asked about the Akin controversy, Iowa Rep. Steven King told KMEG-TV Monday that he's "never heard of" pregnancies resulting from statutory rape or incest. When asked about Medicaid funding of abortions for victims in those cases, King says, "Well I just haven't heard of that being a circumstance that's been brought to me in any personal way, and I'd be open to discussion about that subject matter." Update: King says he didn't mean it the way it's being interpreted. "I never said, nor do I believe, a woman, including minors, cannot get pregnant from rape, statutory rape or incest. Suggesting otherwise is ridiculous, shameful, disgusting and nothing but an attempt to falsely define who I am," King said in a statement, according to the Des Moines Register.
Tip # 3 Only Have Sex with Family Members
Tip #4 Aspirin!
Okay, granted, this tip comes from outside our pals in the House GOP. Super PAC super donor Foster Friess, who was pushing Rick Santorum's candidacy for president, told MSNBC in February, "Back in my day, they used Bayer Aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly." He later clarified he was just joking, ruining the fake science fun for everyone else.