Sorry, journalists. If Newt Gingrich wins the nomination (which of course he will — believe!) he says he does not want journalists as debate moderators, because "you don’t need to have a second Obama person in the debate." Ah yes, biased journalists whose most important bias, of course, is that they are anti-Newt. And you know what? He's right! He does need at least one sympathetic moderator. Who should that person be? We have some suggestions.
When CNN anchor John King asked Gingrich about his various (some only alleged) extra-marital dalliances, Gingrich fired back against that line of questioning, calling it "as close to despicable as anything I can imagine." It's true. Asking an anti-gay marriage candidate about his own marriages is just plain unfair and beyond the pale. So Gingrich needs someone who's sensitive to these prickly private matters. Someone like disgraced Democrat John Edwards! Yes, Edwards is on the political other-side, but if anyone knows what it's like to have their political career muddied by philandering (especially with the aggravating circumstance of a sick wife), it's John Edwards. We think he'd be sympathetic to Newt's situation and avoid the topic altogether. (Lest he bring any more attention back on himself, at least.)
Newt Gingrich loves animals. Oh boy does he love animals. He loves 'em so much! Because they're cuddly and cute and interesting and he just wants to hug 'em and squeeze 'em at look at 'em all day long. You know who else loves animals a whole big bunch? Bindi Irwin, intrepid young animal explorer and heir to the Irwin family animal adventure business. She could cutely ask Newt what his favorite animals are and he could say "Hm, well that's a tough question..." and then count them off on his fingers and maybe even bring out some examples and it'd be his favoritest debate ever.
Newt Gingrich wants to go to the moon. Yes. The Moon. The ol' hunk of green cheese. And he doesn't just want to go there to play with moon rocks and meet all the moon people, he wants to build a colony there and make it the 51st state (sorry, Puerto Rico!). He just seems pretty interested in space. You know who else likes space? Tom Cruise. Actually, isn't Tom Cruise from space? Well, we may never know the true answer to that question, but we do at least know that Tom Cruise has a deep and abiding fascination/love/deep religious faith for space, so he'd probably ask Newt a lot of good, important space-related questions and the two could just jaw for hours, while shuttle program-ruining Obama stands over there on Earth and twiddles his thumbs.
Crying American Idol Girl
We all know that Newt Gingrich has a crybaby problem. Has for years. People are always making fun of him for it, people like biased journalism elites, so why not find a debate moderator for him who really gets where he's coming from? And probably nobody "gets it" more than American Idol's famous Crying Girl. Sure most of Newt's crying is more of the tantrum-y, whiny kind, rather than Sanjaya-induced hormone hysteria, but everyone's always making fun of both of these people for blubbering, so they'd probably moderate/debate really well together.
Newt says the word fundamental a lot. Really, he says it all the time. It's an important word to him! It's also an important word for now-defunct Brit pop girl group All Saints. What better reason for the group to reunite, and learn something about American politics along the way, than moderating a presidential debate? And hey, it'd give Gingrich his new campaign song! (No, not "Never Ever"! Be optimistic, guys.)