It's almost Easter! You know what that means: chocolate, bunnies and the White House's radical agenda of "vegetable oil-based inks." Some of the president's political opponents may sit around patiently waiting for a policy position in which they have a sincere disagreement. But that's so much hard work. A kneejerk critic merely needs to check the calendar to figure out how the Barack Obama is destroying the country, primarily through inconsequential and/or ceremonial White House events. To make their job easier, herewith a month-by-month White House holiday calendar for the reactionary conservative:


January

  • Martin Luther King Day This is a day for service, reflection, and not going to work. It is not a day the president to find modern analogs to the civil rights movement of the 1960s, especially when that analog is health care reform. Only "the worst race-hustling demagogues in America"--or their secretary for Health and Human Service --would stoop that low, declares Michelle Malkin, who has never hustled race, ever

February

  • Super Bowl Sunday Michelle Obama is committed to her unconstitutional anti-obesity campaign every day except Super Bowl Sunday, when the White House's official menu has included buffalo wings, kielbasa, bratwurst, and other high-calorie delights. This makes her a flip-flopper. Michelle Malkin also took issue with the presence of Yuengling beer on the menu, noting that White House violated a "basic tenet found in [the Sierra Club's] 'Green your Super Bowl party' rules & regs by serving beers that weren't brewed locally." Also, 3D glasses are highly unpresidential.

March

  • St. Patrick's Day (17th) The First Lady has taken to dyeing the water in the White House fountains green, a Chicago tradition that is ugly. dangerous and left one maintenance worker soaked. It's doubly strange considering how much Obama hates the Irish: in 2009, Irish prime minister Brian Cowen was embarrassed when a White House teleprompter "malfunctioned" and he accidentally delivered the wrong speech. At the White House's party this year, Obama asked guests to sample a batch of his home-brewed beer, instead of respecting the day and letting everyone get smashed on Harp.
  • March Madness George Washington never filled out a bracket. Neither did Lincoln. Warren Harding probably would have, but they didn't exist yet. So why does Obama do one every year? Conservatives will spend a week explaining better uses of those ten minutes: fixing the economy, keeping campaign promises, and reading The Fountainhead. Plus, his picks aren't even exciting. This year he picked all four number one seeds to advance to the Final Four. "He could have had his daughter do that," grumbled WFAN's Mike Francesca. 




April

  • Earth Day (22nd) Barack Obama, like Al Gore, claims to love the environment, yet won't travel to speeches on horseback to protect it. That is hypocritical. To deliver his Earth Day speech last year at a wind turbine plant in Des Moines, for instance, Air Force One burned more than 9,000 gallons of fuel. This is a high number, much higher than zero. As Fox's Brett Baier correctly noted, "A speech in the White House's Rose Garden definitely would have been more green," although maybe not, because of the teleprompters.
  • Easter For this year's egg roll on the South Lawn, the White House has commissioned new, environmentally friendly eggs made from "certified paperboard" dyed in "vegetable oil-based inks and a water-based coating" to replace the traditional hardwood offerings. In the eyes of Fox's Laura Ingraham, the change was tantamount to "green eggs and flim fam."





May

  • Memorial Day How little does this president care about honoring men and women in uniform? When he skipped out on the wreath-laying ceremony at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Arlington to attend a similar ceremony at a military cemetery in Illinois, he sent Joe Biden in his place. Joe Biden! Glenn Beck declared himself :sick and tired of people believing the lie that this administration has respect for the police or has respect for the soldiers of our country." Thankfully, Obama was soaked for his hubris.


  • Date Night (31st) Another problem with the president: he loves his wife and likes to spend romantic evenings with her. Not just in the privacy of their home, and not just within a tightly-controlled three mile radius of the White House--this guy likes to go New York for dinner and a show, often in late May. The thought of the Obamas "winging into Manhattan’s theater district on Air Force One to take in a Broadway show" in 2009 amidst an ongoing recession struck the Republican National Committee as particularly excessive. "If President Obama wants to go to the theater, isn’t the Presidential box at the Kennedy Center good enough?” asked RNC spokeswoman Gail Gitcho.
     

June

  • Flag Day (16th) Obama's refusal to wear an American flag lapel pin used to leave the president open to attacks on his patriotism, as well as raise questions about his overall commitment to the pin, brooch, and tie clip industry. He wears one now, but there's still plenty to suggest Obama doesn't know the true meaning of flag day. At various points, his public appearances have been criticized for featuring Old Glory too prominently ("That's the same president who once would not wear an American flag pin. Things have changed," scoffed The Washington Times in 2009) or not nearly enough ("He needs to sincerely wrap himself in Old Glory, and there’s no better day than Flag Day to make that commitment," said Fox commentator Liz Peek in 2010) Both complaints will be valid until Obama addresses conservative questions about whether he hates America, or is just pretending to like it.

 

July

  • Independence Day (4th) As a rule of thumb, any mention of wealthy people holding power that uses the past tense is fair game for conservative outrage. Take Obama's 2010 July 4th speech praising in praise of "tenets first declared by men of property and wealth" at the Philadelphia Convention. Because the man who wrote the Audacity of Hope is also rich, and his words imply that the non-wealthy have had a hand in crafting 235 years worth of public policy, feel free to follow conservative blogger Jim Hoft's lead and accuse the president of "bashing those wealthy white people who had their rights before anyone else."


 

August

  • V-J Day (15th) Remember that sailor who kissed the lady in Times Square 65 years ago? (If you don't, look to your right.) He did that because he was happy about Japan surrendering unconditionally to the Allies. Since Barack Obama does not believe unconditional surrender is a likely outcome in Afghanistan, he hates V-J Day and everything it stands for (kissing, World War II being over). This is the logic Rush Limbaugh used to explain the president not giving a speech to mark the occasion last year. And credit caller Bob from New Hampshire for upping the ante by saying Obama would rather "talk about the mosque" than discuss a war America won.

September

  • The First Day of School Other presidents have delivered back-to-school pep talks, but only Obama's inspired fears about a radical subtext beneath the straighten-up-and-fly-right boilerplate. As Michelle Malkin explained in 2009, such fears are totally reasonable. After young people propelled him to victory in the Democratic primaries, how could Obama "resist issuing a call to youth arms to marshal help in passing his legislative agenda?" The scary part, according to Malkin, is that Obama "[didn't] need to make the call explicit," making everything he said a potential coded message. Watch the video again and see if you get the sudden urge to pass health care legislation.




October

Halloween (31st) The Obamas have continued the tradition of inviting local children to the White House to trick-or-treat. This is nice, if you're a communist hippie happy to eat dried fruit. Obama's youngest critics are put in a bind: How do they take advantage of the White House's generosity, while also making it clear they're there because they like the president's candy, not his politics. This enterprising lad found a way.

 

November

  • Thanksgiving To the untrained eye, Obama's 2010 presidential proclamation on the cultural importance of Thanksgiving doesn't appear to be controversial. Even the president's detractors can agree the holiday is "a beloved American tradition" and a good time to take stock of the "providence bestowed upon our Nation." Then he praised the "compassion and contributions of Native Americans," particularly their "skill in agriculture [that] helped the early colonists survive, and whose rich culture continues to add to our Nation's heritage" and his lack of knowledge about U.S. history and colonial agrarian practices emerged. "The true story of Thanksgiving is socialism failed," scoffed Rush Limbaigh. "We shared our bounty with them, not because we didn't know how to make it. It was because we first failed as socialists. Only when we turned capitalists did we have plenty."

 

December

  • Christmas (25th) In the spirit of the season, conservatives have largely given the president a pass for preempting a A Charlie Brown Christmas last year (Glenn Beck picked up the slack), throwing 28 Christmas parties in 2009, and buying his daughters gifts. But spending his Christmas vacation in Hawaii and not going to church--that's where the line is drawn. Catholic League accused president Bill Donohue declared Obama was trying to "neuter" Christmas by skipping church, and speculated his next step would be to "ban the display of Christian symbols entirely." Glenn Beck just thought he missed his "Marxist preacher."