AUTHOR: Jonah Goldberg at National Review

THESIS: Obama is not so great

WORDS DEVOTED TO SAID PREMISE: 751

WHAT BARACK OBAMA PROMISED
: "Rainbows and puppies"

WHAT BARACK OBAMA DID
: "Failed to deliver"

WHICH MAKES HIM LIKE
: Pizza Hut "during a blizzard"

WHAT BARACK OBAMA RESEMBLES, ASIDE FROM PIZZA HUT
: Michael Douglas in the 1993 film Falling Down

UNRELATED--DRINK OF CHOICE FOR LIBERAL INTERNS: Diet Snapple

WHY OBAMA'S CANDIDATE ENDORSEMENTS ARE MORE LIKE KISSING YOUR SISTER THAN KISSING DEATH
:
No, they aren't the kiss of death, but they certainly aren't the kiss of life either. They're more like a kiss from your sister. They add little to no excitement while inviting many unwanted questions.

ANALOGY FOR THE MASSACHUSETTS SPECIAL ELECTION:
In political terms, it was a bit like holding a papal election and having the pontiff's seat (or cathedra, for you sticklers) go to the head counselor of the Unitarian Church (or whatever they call their Pope-equivalent).

OBAMA IS A STRONG HUGGER: "He hugged Florida governor Charlie Crist so hard he squeezed him right out of the Republican party."

OBAMA IS MARY POPPINS: He's "just so awesome that what would be political losses for lesser mortals must be more winning proof of his supercalifragilisticexpialidociousness."

JONAH GOLDBERG EXPLAINS POLITICS TO THE UNINITIATED: Rep. Jack Murtha in Pennsylvania "remains a hero for getting the entire district strung-out on high-grade pork (not the oink-oink kind)"

EDITORIAL QUESTION FROM WIRE STAFF: How exactly would you get strung-out on "oink-oink" pork? Smoke? Or sniff? "Snorting pork" sounds good.