The Daily Show returned last night, and Jon Stewart looked to his news team to compare Hurricane Sandy damage in lower Manhattan versus upper Manhattan.

Al Madrigal reported downtown, where the background was dark.  Down there, grocery stores were empty, tunnels were flooded, and electricity was out. Madrigal's survival tactic? Keeping a machete on his back. "There's two types of folks still down here in no-juice town," he explained to Stewart. "People with machetes and dead people without machetes."

Meanwhile, uptown in the brightly lit Times Square, John Oliver carried shopping bags and an ice cream. "It's a total hellscape up here," Oliver said as he took a bite of ice cream. "For starters, and I don't to start a panic, Serendipity has run out of mocha sprinkles. Which begs the question, Jon, where the f**k is FEMA when you need them?"