Perhaps the Daily News is taking seriously those allegations that they've gone soft. Maybe there really is a so-called "WAR!" between the Daily News and The New York Post, being waged by Colin Myler against his old boss Col Allen. Because the Daily News has pulled out what can only be described as the "big guns," an actual tabloid trifecta. Yep, right there on the front cover. Three images covering all the important bases, sort of like those postcards you buy when you can't decide what photo is the prettiest! Where does one even look? (Hint: Look at Brooklyn. Always look at Brooklyn.)

If one is the typical reader, probably the first look is at Marilyn, just because that's how we read, clockwise, and there's so much skin there, really. This story is teaser of Vanity Fair's Monroe spread. Then there's the requisite story of a sports star getting mad after a loss. The Knicks' Amar'e Stoudemire cut his hand by punching a glass case housing a fire extinguisher after the team lost to the Heat on Monday night. Sports stars are just like us! (Not really, at all.)

Perhaps the most important story, though, the one that gets an appropriate section of the cover (lowbrow, brilliant?), is the one about boobs. Had you heard this? Adding to the overall Sturm und Drang over the new Nets arena in Brooklyn are reports that Hooters wants in the neighborhood too, to supply arena-goers with delicious foodstuffs and whatnot, and pad their own pockets (do they have pockets in those shorts?). "Brownstone Brooklyn," as you'd imagine, does not like this, and so "is melting down at the very thought of the risque restaurant invading their neighborhood," with local moms apparently preparing for battle. So far the battle involves them calling names: They've dubbed Hooters "disgusting," "national," "a chain," and "bad." Also, "not a family place" and "trash traffic"—basically just a slippery slope to strip joints. The moms and a group called Save Park Slope that declared war (via Twitter) on Monday may not need to worry, however, because Hooters keeps being rejected by the area's property owners. While boob-banning seems irrelevant to any of this story (Hooters waitresses do wear shirts, after all), the News did get one unemployed guy to say that he couldn't wait til Hooters opens, so that's fun. This may be the perfect tabloid story for New York City in that in involves Brooklyn, gentrification wars, boob-bannings, and little tiny orange pants. In fact, it seems very Post.

Meanwhile, what do we get in the Post, on the heels of a trumped-up story that happy hours might be banned? Merely a two-part cover: Amar'e, hand in a sling, facing off with a fire extinguisher up top, and some curmudgeonly groaning about Occupy Wall Street—yep, today is a big day of action, those bums may foul up your commute!—reminding us that we have a lot of curmudgeonly groaning to look forward to as Occupy Wall Street kicks off another round of protests. "Fire Drilled!" isn't even a good punny headline. Snore. We expect more from you, New York Post.