Wednesday's cover of the New York Daily News is kind of a big one. It offers up a full-page photo of married Secret Service Agent Arthur Huntington, the agent disgraced over his "relationship" with a Colombian prostitute, along with the first-person headline "Hooker Cheated With Me, Too" (and "First Photo"!). Inside is the story of a 42-year-old Canadian woman who alleges that Huntington wooed her after meeting her in Ireland, where he was working for the president. He took her on dates, gave her compliments, and slept with her—all while he was married, all months before Dania Suarez, the Colombian woman who would "bring the agency to its knees" was in the picture.

Comparatively, The New York Post's where-do-you-look tri-pronged cover featuring NYPD, Sacha Baron Cohen, and Obama has either way too much or nothing going on. No matter that the News' cover makes it seem as though Huntington himself is offering up a confession (he cheated with another hooker agent? No). People are going to want—need—to hear the story of a woman who purports to have had sex with the Secret Service Agent at the center of this scandal. (It's worth mentioning that the News has been doing this sort of first-person confession on the other side of a crime story pretty well of late, or at least, in a way that's bound to sell papers. In the days that the Anna Gristina "Mommy Madam" scandal began, they had a inside look at the madam's prostitution ring from one of her anonymously sourced girls. Presumably, it did well.)

But as for today's news. As well as being appropriately scandalous, this is just servicey, especially since Glamour magazine recommends ladies hook up with Secret Service agents! What do we learn from the News? For the purposes of this piece, let's assume Huntington's behavior is standard Secret Service issue, otherwise, well, we can't really apply this to our own lives. Herewith, a guide to dating your very own married secret service agent.

A Secret Service Agent may tell you he's divorced but really still be married, "to woo [you] into bed."

When you find out, this will make you mad, possibly nauseated. "After learning the truth, months later, she said, 'I was screaming. . . I was in disbelief. I couldn’t sleep that night. Then I started to read stuff that he was married, living in Maryland with his kids. You have no idea how I felt. I felt sick,'" the woman tells the Daily News.

You may decide to talk to the tabloids about all this. If you do, request anonymity (which this source did) and explain that you are doing this so his wife knows, that she “deserves to know because it’s not a one-time thing.” This will win you favor in the eyes of the general population. Otherwise, you may be labeled a vindictive gossip.

As for the dating... If he he pursues you for months before getting you to share "a two-day affair in Manhattan"; if his pickup line is "You're not getting away from me tonight"; if he sends "flirtatious emails, phone calls and shirtless photos," and, most importantly, if he presents himself as "a lone wolf looking for love while traveling the globe for his job," he may be a Secret Service Agent named Arthur Huntington who is into you. Further: If he has "sculpted arms beneath his tight tan sweater," proceed with special caution. You may bond over having grown up near the same place—you from Toronto, him near Niagara Falls, say—and he may ask for your number before the drink even arrives. You will be impressed by his persistence, the fact that he asks you if you have a boyfriend, his conversational tactics which are at once boisterous and rather sweet. He may even tell you he's a Navy SEAL. You will consider it bragging, but like it anyway.

...And the courtship... Things will escalate. After much back and forth texting and whatnot, all rated PG13 of course, you will meet for two days in August of 2011 in New York City, when the streets are steamy in that way of August in New York City. It will be "amazing." You will have pizza and conversation; he will compliment you, you will double date the next night with his pal and his pal's leggy gal, dining at a Brazilian-Portuguese restaurant and enjoying rooftop beverages into the night. You're practically an item. "The night went so well that she wanted to meet with Huntington again, and perhaps introduce him to her two sons — ages 9 and 12," according to the Daily News. But he is a married Secret Service agent, and though you don't know it, your time is short. 

Then comes the inevitable breakup. You will find out that the Secret Service man of your dreams is a dad with a wife who leads a Bible study group. He'll come under fire from not only you, but also the media and the government and the general public for his involvement with a Colombian prostitute, an involvement that may have compromised the security of the nation. Other agents are fired for their own untoward involvements with prostitutes. This thing is a can of worms! You will be peeved about that, but also peeved because no one does that to you, Secret Service agent or not. Stinging from the betrayal, you will tell your side of the story to the tabloids, and they will put it on their front page, because of course they will. You will feel a little bit better. You're dating someone else now, anyway.

On the plus side, unlike Huntington's rather paltry monetary showing with Suarez, who said he'd only offered $28 on an $800 tab, he apparently paid for dinners and drinks with this lady. Secret Service agents are (sometimes) classy like that.