Rats and roaches and other assorted vermin aren't knocking New Yorkers like they used to, as the average life expectancy of a newborn today in New York is 2.4 years higher than the national average, the city's Mayor Michael Bloomberg said at a presser today. That's the first time since 1901 that the life expectancy of New York City dwellers beat out the national average, after the city's life expectancy increased by nearly three years since 2000. The reason behind the city's longevity, according the Bloomberg administration? Why, the Bloomberg administration itself, of course. "Cleaner air, safer streets, healthier food – these all contribute to improved quality of our lives, and added years of life," Deputy Mayor Linda I. Gibbs said. "This has come about through the creative ideas and determined implementation across many City agencies." Also cited were better screening for HIV and anti-smoking laws.

But wait: dangerous streets, fatty foods, promiscuity... Isn't that what made New York great in the first place?