PROVOCATION: A New York Times Real Estate section piece on July 14 on "nine artistically inclined 20-somethings" in Brooklyn
BILLINGS'S CONCLUSION: The New York Times is "celebrating the lifestyles of so-called 'hipsters'"
BILLINGS'S RESPONSE: 883 words refuting the notion that hipsters are anything to celebrate
UNSURPRISING FINDER OF THIS CULTURAL GEM: Harper's
THESIS: Hipsters "represent indulgence and failure of every kind"
DEFINITION OF 'HIPSTERS': "semi-employed upper middle class white trash who stay drunk on their parents' money well into their thirties"
HIPSTER ACTIVITIES: Pre-marital sex, blogging, "masturbat[ing] themselves numb ... [starting] indie bands or t-shirt companies ... embody[ing] the death of the Puritan ethic ... crying for no reason and then twittering about it"
ADDITIONAL HIPSTER ACTIVITIES CATEGORIZED AS 'ART': "Abusing an electric guitar or throwing paint against a wall"
WAKEUP CALL BUSTING 'THE BUBBLE OF YOUR RETRO BAZOOKA BUBBLEGUM': "Your little tight twinky Lady Gaga t-shirts and lip piercings will get your butt whooped in the Topeka."
FILE UNDER 'THINGS UNLIKELY TO CHANGE THE WORLD': "someone once played in a band that once had a song that became a hit in Reykjavik"
QUESTION FOR HIPSTERS: "you people think you know anything about the heart and soul of human beings just because you signed up for that course at Vassar? Did you even go to class?"
PARAGRAPH PACKING THE GREATEST CULTURAL PUNCH:
Yes, we all know you’re rich kids who went to expensive fancy schools even if you wear second-hand clothes and speak like you're more stoned than you really are. By the way, was it Sarah Lawrence or Brown, Bard or Wellesley? Was there a night where French literary theory and supermarket wine resulted in a regrettable sexual experience against a dorm room wall? I wonder. And did your parents subtly bribe you not to move back home after graduation because you looked so unpresentable?
*NUMBER OF POSTS AT ATHEIST NEXUS DEVOTED TO DETERMINING WHETHER THE CHRISTWIRE SITE IS, IN FACT, SATIRE: 14