LENGTH: 1,465 words
OBJECTIVE: To evaluate the languages of the world
ON TAIWANESE: It is "typical of the languages we refuse to care about." See "the word they chose for cat: 'Meow.'"
DERIVED PRINCIPLE: "Call me a Western chauvinist but if your naming animals after the sounds they make, you're not really cut out for the modern world."
HAVING THUS DISPATCHED TAIWANESE, ON TO KOREAN: "When your language requires a paintbrush to spell out, it may be time for an upgrade."
ON CANTONESE: "Can you imagine being nagged in this language? It sounds like a turkey being strangled to death"
ON RUSSIAN: "No wonder Russians don’t have stand-up comedy. That language sounds like a guy trying to eat his teeth. The fact that Russia has some of the greatest writers in the world using such an ugly language is a testament to how horrible it is to be outside in Russia."
ON URDU: "Basically a party in your mouth where everyone is invited. It sounds like a chili bubbling over a xylophone and it’s so fun to speak, I'm surprised there aren’t more Indian rappers. If a 'Piari Larki' (pretty girl) asks 'Que ‘hall chelle, yar?' (how’s it going, dude?) you can tell her everything is 'Teek tok' (cool). Was this language invented by potheads?"
ON PORTUGUESE: "The most hideous language in all of Europe. Including it in the Romance Languages is like calling rape romantic."
THE BEST LANGUAGE IN THE WORLD: Italian
LINGERING QUESTION: Why does French, the language of love, not distinguish between "love" and "like" in "je t'aime"? "This is a pretty huge distinction in the world of courting and it's something we need to know."