Pat Robertson, Southern Baptist minister, recently blamed the people of Haiti for the Haitian earthquake, citing their "pact with the devil." Last week, however, the devil appeared to speak for himself in the Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune.

Satan--or his mouthpiece, the demonically tongue-in-cheek Lily Coyle of Minneapolis--first denies having a contract with the Haitians. Instead, he claims to have inked a pact with Pat Robertson, and threatens "renegotiat[ions]" if Robertson's baseless rumor-mongering continues. Says Satan, "If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox--that kind of thing." While he admits his clients may have have a hard time "in the afterlife" he reminds Robertson that "when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth ... Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing."

So is there anything Robertson's doing right? Actually, yes: "You're doing great work, Pat," says the fallen angel. "Keep blaming God. That's working." But with the supposed pact with Haiti, Satan is clear: "I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher." Thus, "leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract."