Today in celebrity gossip: The once and future Twilight hunk has a new love, plus love may be in the air for Jack Nicholson and Anjelica Huston. Also: Ian Somerhalder and Nikki Reed bought sex toys.

First of all and most importantly, we are not here to talk about Kristen Stewart, not today. I completely understand that by clicking on the words "Robert" and "Pattinson" you were perhaps hoping to find a story about Kristen Stewart, but I am neither sorry nor ashamed to tell you this will not be the case at this point in time. This here is a story about Robert Pattinson, who as you well know is no longer dating his Twilight co-star Kristen Stewart despite however many papier maché shrines you've assembled in your Forks-themed prayer room. Those two broke up a long time ago and have experienced several romances and breakups with other people ever since. So I just wanted to get that out of the way before we went on to discuss Robert Pattinson's NEW girlfriend, because spoiler: It's not Kristen Stewart. It's just not. Would you like to know who Robert Pattinson is currently dating? That question is rhetorical, brutally rhetorical, because of course you would. We ALL would. Ladies and gentlemen, please become acquainted with the R&B star known as FKA Twigs. You're like, "Who?" That's okay to ask, just don't ask it sassily. Because let me tell you something, FKA Twigs is amazing. Sure, she's new on the music scene and she hasn't yet sold as many records as the Amy Grants or the Terence Trent D'Arbys of the world, but just take a look at the video for her newest single "Two Weeks" and TELL ME she isn't a future superstar:

Assuming you didn't run out mid-way through the song to go make love (because FKA Twigs sings sexin' music to make Sade blush), then you may be interested to know what Us Weekly has to say about her burgeoning relationship with Robert Pattinson. First off, 26-year-old Londoner FKA Twigs' actual name is Tahliah Debrett Barnett and she's been dating Pattinson "for weeks now." There you have it! Two young, attractive, and talented people have found love in each others' arms. And you thought such a thing was impossible! [Us Weekly]

But don't worry: Cupid has designs on MULTIPLE demographics these days. For example, check out the provocative question  recently posed by Page Six: "Are Jack Nicholson and Anjelica Huston together again?" A-ha, it's another one of Page Six's trademark "we ask despite KNOWING" and guess what? It would appear the answer is yes. Yes, Jack Nicholson and Anjelica Huston are together again. How does Page Six know this? Because they're both single (at least since Huston became widowed in 2008) and recently attended a party in the East Hamptons where they "sat and talked" and "seemed oblivious to the other celebrities." Now THAT is love. Sitting and talking? Love. Ignoring other celebrities? LOVE. In rekindling their old flame Jack Nicholson and Anjelica Huston have finally, finally made something of themselves. And you thought such a thing was impossible! [Page Six]

In sultrier but no less romantic news, Ian Somerhalder and Nikki Reed recently took their new relationship to the next level of sexy when they were spotted buying nearly $1,000 worth of sex toys and paraphernalia at a Toronto sex shop! Perhaps they were preparing for a long weekend or maybe are hosting some kind of key party, but the pair's shopping list apparently included "a mix of vibrators, handcuffs and restraints" and totaled $860. That's right, what many people pay in rent every month is what Ian Somerhalder and Nikki Reed pay for objects to put inside of each other (or whatever; I'm not exactly sure what sex is). As an awkward side-note, TMZ also reports that the sex shop employee mistook Ian Somerhalder for a quite different actor:

An off-duty employee saw Somerhalder, but couldn't quite place him and commented, "You look like Zac Efron." We're told Ian laughed it off and said, "Nope, wrong guy."

That's right, a Canadian assumed that Zac Efron was buying sex toys for a girlfriend. And you thought such a thing was impossible! [TMZ]

Guess who's procreating! No really, guess. I'll wait. Just kidding, I will not wait. I am holding a melting ice cream cone right now. But listen: singer Carrie Underwood and her professional hockey player husband Mike Fisher got each other pregnant! (Again, not totally sure how that works.) And the happy pair made the announcement as any dignified celebrity in 2014 might. Via a tweeted photo of dogs wearing novelty t-shirts.

And you thought such a thing was impossible! [Page Six]

While Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello are still in the wink-wink phase of their relationship and not quite yet at the taking-each-other-to-the-Emmys phase, they seem pretty cool about taking pictures of themselves vacationing together. Here is one!

Do you like this funny video Justin Bieber made that involves hitting his elderly grandfather in the head with a basketball not once but twice?

Also getting in on the basketball action is Austin Mahone!

Finally, please enjoy this photo of Steven R. McQueen riding a damn horse.