Today in celebrity gossip: A famous teenager misused SnapChat, plus David Beckham hurt his hand in a motorcycle incident, and Joan Rivers is not doing great.

First of all, I know what you're thinking: "Who?" But if you still have children, just ask them who 5 Seconds of Summer are. They'll tell you that 5 Seconds of Summer are the American pop-rock version of One Direction, a gaggle of beautiful teen hunks who sing power-pop about how girls don't know they're beautiful. Their current hit "She Looks So Perfect" has been getting massive airplay on the radio (what is radio?) and the band ("band") recently performed to deafening, high-pitched caterwauls during last weekend's MTV Video Music Awards. While we know boy bands as a concept have a moment every ten years or so and that this current one is almost over, it seems pretty clear that 5 Seconds of Summer may have snuck in just under the wire. Especially now that one of them has leaked a dick pick onto the internet! That's right, in what's become as bankable a career move as having actual talent, bassplayer Calum Hood recently attempted to SnapChat a girl a video of his, uh, instrument and she had the audacity to capture it and leak it onto the internet. But since his face isn't visible in the video, Hood could have easily gone the old-school route of simply denying it was him. But come on, this is 2014 and publicity is publicity, so instead he owned up to it immediately:

Your move, Harry Styles. [TMZ]

High-voiced alleged hunk David Beckham recently had a run-in with the paparazzi to rival that of modern day Princess Diana Justin Bieber! According to TMZ, the occasional soccer player was leaving a West Hollywood tattoo parlor when he "swerved to avoid the paparazzi" and "lost control of his motorcycle." TMZ has photos of his expensive bike just lying on its side in the middle of the street all alone until three people from the tattoo parlor ran outside and righted the bike on Beckham's behalf. But before you assume David Beckham is too tiny and delicate to lift up his own motorcycle, please keep in mind that he was spotted later that day wearing a bandage on his wrist. And there you have it. Riding motorcycles has never seemed more badass. [TMZ, TMZ]

As you've likely heard by now, living legend Joan Rivers experienced some complications during a medical procedure and then fell into "cardiac or respiratory arrest." Since then she's been in a medically induced coma, which sounds like a wonderful vacation to you or me, but is actually a scary and dangerous situation for the 81-year-old. Rivers' daughter Melissa Rivers has now released a statement admitting that her mother's "condition remains serious" but assures everyone that "she is receiving the best treatment and care possible." The saddest part of all this is, of course, the fact that Rivers wasn't conscious to enjoy the news item that Blake Lively had been attacked by bees. Wake up, Joan! Give us your take on this scenario! [Page Six]

Although nobody in the Angelina Jolie-Brad Pitt world wants to or is authorized to take Jon Voight's calls anymore, he is always more than happy to chime in whenever the world's most famous celebrity couple does something notable. For example, earlier this week THEY GOT MARRIED. And now Jon Voight (who was not invited to the wedding) has granted the couple his official endorsement: "I’m very happy that I can now legitimately call [Brad Pitt] my son-in-law, this wonderful fellow who I love, and that they’re very happy." So yes, like literally anybody else in the world would be, Jon Voight is pretty stoked that Brad Pitt is now his son-in-law. In the same radio interview with ITV's Good Morning Britain he went on to wistfully imagine what kind of a time his grandchildren must have had at the wedding: "The kids must have had a wonderful time at the wedding because they all had their things to do." Reasonable assumption! Anyway, congratulations to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, but also to Jon Voight whose imagination must now work at full-steam to picture the happiness of his own family. [Page Six]

TMZ really has a way with titles: "Mary-Kate Olsen Screwed By Horse At Equestrian Show." But yes, in what has to be the most exciting reporting in sports journalism history, TMZ reports that Mary-Kate Olsen's horse refused to jump an obstacle at a recent equestrian show and she did not win said equestrian show. But really it was mostly just about that title, wasn't it, TMZ? Fair enough. [TMZ]

 

Oh look who's taking couple-selfies again! None other than Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez!

Pretty cool that Miley Cyrus gets to call Karl Lagerfeld a co-worker sometimes.

Here's notorious sink-breaker Steven R. McQueen enjoying some quality time with brother Jessarae Robitaille:

Madonna captioned her #TBT photo "Bitch! I'm Madonna #stfu" and you know something? She's right.

And finally, here's your bae Austin Mahone wishing you a happy Labor Day weekend!