Today in celebrity gossip: Drake's disdain for Macklemore thrived on at the ESPYS, One Direction's Zayn Malik may be secretly married, and Chrissy Teigen licks Doritos and puts them back in the bag.

Remember after the Grammys when Macklemore Instagrammed a screengrab of a text message he'd just sent to Kendrick Lamar apologizing for beating him out in the Best Rap category? And then Drake told Rolling Stone "That s--t was wack as f--k. . . you robbed everybody. We all need text messages!" That was fun. Just fun times. Let's all just take a second and sip some tea and remember those times. Well, actually, here's a new Drake vs. Macklemore memory to add to our mental scrapbooks: This week Drake hosted the ESPY awards (which is like the Tonys but with more Axe Body Spray) and in his opening monologue he pulled a classic Billy Crystal move by sorta-dissing other celebs IN SONG. One of those diss lyrics was something along the lines of "real music doesn't always win Grammys" while an image of Macklemore holding a Grammy flashed on screen. Feel the burn:

 

In my opinion Drake does not care for Macklemore. Thus concludes this week's opinion piece about whether Drake likes Macklemore or not. Because, post-script, he does not. [Us Weekly]

Please click on this story about One Direction's Zayn Malik and the typhoon of rumors swirling about his dreamy head that he is, in fact, secretly married. Obviously I don't mean that you should click on any links to other websites, just sort of click on this story that you're reading right now, in the margins, just gently highlight and un-highlight the text with your cursor. Relish every word but more importantly click click click. Because according to Page Six One Direction's Zayn Malik might be secretly married. How do they know this? Because he recently made his Instagram account public (which is a new diabolical way for a celebrity to make headlines) and in one photo Malik is wearing what appears to be a ring on his left ring finger. Had he gone and secretly married his fiancé, British singer Perrie Edwards? "Perrie and Zayn are not married," a One Direction spokesman has said. So there you have it. If Zayn Malik got secretly married, then that marriage is STILL a secret. Also, hey, while you're at it, go ahead and enjoy Zayn Malik's newly public Instagram account, nobody can stop you, to be honest:

Please just keep clicking ok? [Page Six]

Like most people, Britney Spears enjoys a delicious meal at Cheesecake Factory every now and again. Who doesn't enjoy the sight of an aspiring actor in white jeans bringing a wheelbarrow full of food to the table? But unlike most people, Britney Spears straight-up dined and dashed at her most recent trip to the purveyor of fine food piles! Just basically robbed Cheesecake Factory of their well-earned $30. But don't worry, Britney Spears has not suddenly become a reprehensible villain. It was an honest mistake!

The confusion came when the waitress came over with the bill and Spears said her bodyguard would pay.

But he never did.

But he never did. Fortunately since this insane transgression Spears has undone her crimes by going back (well, a legal proxy did, anyway) and paying her tab while also leaving her waitress a $100 tip, and all it took was a shaming by TMZ to hasten these reparations. Who ever said that TMZ wasn't a force for good in this world? [Page Six]

One of the weirdest things that models-turned-actresses feel compelled to do is be as disgusting as possible in interviews. For example, Chrissy Teigen is a beautiful lady who also seems pretty funny, but she has crossed the line this time. Just look at what she recently told the New York Times: "I lick the cheese off Doritos and put them back in the bag." STOP IT, CHRISSY TEIGEN. Do not do that. Now we all know that we should never come over to your house and also we should never accept any snacks from you, because that is truly gross. That is not funny or charming, that is a crime. Do not taint food with your mouth juices and then expect us to think it's cute, because it's not. Most chips but expecially Doritos are sacred. Nobody, not even Chrissy Teigen, should be allowed to get away with this. At this point I can't decide if I should make a citizen's arrest or just call 911 and let my tax dollars finally get put to good use. Chrissy Teigen, you're going to jail, creep. [Page Six]

The thing about making a career for yourself where you do a lot of onscreen male stripping and/or nude werewolf transmogrification is that when you go on Conan to promote said career you'll probably be asked to demonstrate some stripper moves. Here's Joe Manganiello doing just that while also keeping all of his clothes on like a total perv:

Did you miss this photo that The Rock tweeted from his early days? Because yes:

Oh, Justin Bieber definitely hung out with Chris Brown up in the club, in case you'd forgotten that Justin Bieber frequently behaves like trash:

Here's Lindsay Lohan doing whatever:

Same with Austin Mahone, who is doing whatever even harder here:

And finally, this selfie of Teen Wolf's Mason Dye should hopefully get you through the next few days.

Thank you, Mason Dye.