Today in celebrity gossip: Miley Cyrus' house was broken into, Justin Bieber made a racist joke a long time ago, and Evan Rachel Wood has HAD it with tabloids.

Quick question, and be honest: Did you steal Miley Cyrus' Maserati? Somebody stole it. Was it you? It was a White 2014 Maserati, it cost something like $102,000 and my question is did you steal it? Is Miley Cyrus' Maserati in your garage currently or has it perhaps been taken to a chop shop that you sometimes have business dealings with? The story is that on Saturday night Cyrus' assistant returned to the pop tartlet's L.A. home and noticed that things had gone missing. These things included expensive jewelry and also the Maserati you stole. Because you stole Miley Cyrus' Maserati, right? I promise I won't turn you in, I'm just curious. According to security footage at Cyrus' house, there are two suspects, "a man and woman who scaled a fence and got inside Miley's garage" while Cyrus was out of town, like sort of a Bling Ring situation. So the #1 theory police are going with is that you or your boyfriend or girlfriend probably went to dinner (Sizzler's) and then to a movie (Frozen) and afterward you opted not to go home together and instead you decided to take it slow and get to know each other better and also steal a Maserati from Miley Cyrus' garage. All in all a good date, but Miley Cyrus is now lacking a Maserati. Which you stole, right? Follow-up question: Are you Carmen Sandiego? [TMZ, TMZ]

Roughly one thousand years ago in tabloid time, a 15-year-old Justin Bieber (from his swooped-hair golden era) told a very racist joke to a cell phone camera. That video has now surfaced and people are NOT happy about it. The joke involves a chainsaw and the N-word and it makes basically zero sense. That is in fact the most shocking part of this situation, that the racist joke perhaps needs to be run through the Enigma machine in order to translate it into anything approaching rational thought. That being said, it's to Bieber's credit that he (and his in-house apology-writer) immediately released a thorough mea culpa (which is Latin for "I used the N-word and I'm sorry."):

I'm very sorry. I take my friendships with people of all cultures very seriously and I apologize for offending or hurting anyone with my childish and inexcusable mistake. I was a kid then and I am a man now who knows my responsibility to the world and to not make that mistake again.

But of course, TMZ being TMZ, they had to go and brag about their personal involvement in this scandal:

TMZ got this video 4 years ago but we decided not to post it ... in large part because he was 15 and immediately told his friends what he did was stupid. People connected with Bieber say one African American was present at the time he told the joke, although that really doesn't matter much.

Haha sure, TMZ. What a bunch of reasonable, polite gentlemen. I'm sure you weren't blackmailing Bieber's camp for four years over this in exchange for pipin' hot scoops. But yeah, Justin Bieber made a racist "joke" several years ago and now everyone knows, and he's super sorry. [TMZ, Gawker]

Last week we talked about Evan Rachel Wood's recent separation from husband Jamie Bell with the grave concern it deserved. It's not every day that the Platonic Ideal of a young Hollywood romance does a backflip into a volcano. But Wood and Bell have remained wisely mum to press about what's been going on, with Wood going so far as to ditch Twitter for a while. Until this weekend, however, when she was forced to resurface in order to refute a very silly rumor that she'd been hooking up with Michelle Rodriguez! Her tweets ranged from simple denials to passionate put-downs and even specific YouTube clips and photos that seem to disprove the particulars of those fallacious reports. Here's the gist of her Twitter denials:

Oh, just ignore the trolls, Evan Rachel Wood! [Us Weekly]

The strange, tragic saga of Casey Kasem and his litigious family just keeps getting weirder. As you know, his children are suing his wife Jean for spiriting him away and hiding the now-invalid legend at a series of unnamed care facilities. So recently a judge granted Kasem's daughter Kerri custody rights. Well, this weekend she tried to collect her father only to face an insane fit from Jean during which Jean "threw a pound of raw hamburger meat at Kerri" and then quoted a Bible verse: "In the name of King David, I threw a piece of raw meat into the street in exchange for my husband to the wild rabid dogs." So, you know, Jean Kasem sounds chill. And in a mildly amusing footnote, Gawker reports that Jean nearly joined the cast of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills last year but was cut at the last minute presumably because she her mental problems weren't severe enough. [Gawker]

It's every bride's dream come true: A beautiful beach wedding ceremony interrupted by a sexy behemoth in a leopard print thong-back one piece. That's what happened this past saturday in Miami when pro tennis player Serena Williams trundled over a sand dune and suddenly appeared in photos with the bride and groom of a nearby beach wedding. As you can see from the below photo, the whole thing was like a tsunami of sexual intensity:

(No, the man standing behind them in aviators was probably not Key or Peele. I knew you were going to ask that.) Congratulations to the glowing bride! [Us Weekly]

Occasional tabloid narc Joe Jonas took this Instagram selfie of himself with men's underwear near his face. If you think there miiight be a gay innuendo joke to be made here, keep it to yourself, rudy!

Oh look, Selena Gomez went and took a selfie with recently out (and talented) singer Sam Smith:

Finally, it was Steven R. McQueen's brother Jessarae Robitaille's birthday, and they went out and celebrated with assorted castmembers from The Vampire Diaries and The Originals:

Let's see, there's Paul Wesley in there, Charles Michael Davis, Matt Davis. Just a nice lookin' crowd of boys in general. Who could complain about that turn-out? Nobody. Happy birthday, Steven R. McQueen's brother Jessarae Robitaille!