Today in celebrity gossip: Yet more racist Justin Bieber footage may be headed our way, Charlize Theron always pays her debts, and Bradley Cooper melted brains with his short-shorts.
It's hard to fathom what our geographical landscapes would look like without dams. Countless cities and villages in low-lying areas would be underwater; entire ecosystems washed away; First World industry and commerce eroded to nubs like so many river stones. But sometimes, whether due to a small Dutch child removing his finger from a dyke, or by something as simple as a hurricane, dams can't hold out forever and water will eventually reclaim the land. That is basically what's happening right now with all this footage of Justin Bieber saying racist things: The dams have burst and we are all going to drown in N-words! First there was that footage of Bieber telling a racist joke (footage that was allegedly part of a larger extortion plot to defame Bieber unless he paid up); then there was a second video in which Bieber improvised some new, more N-word laden lyrics to one of his formerly harmless pop songs; and now Page Six reports that there is yet more unseen bonus footage of Bieber being racist! Page Six reports there's 15-20 minutes of additional footage, footage in which Bieber, among other things, opines about "black people liking watermelon." Bieber's team points out that this is merely more footage from the same incident and it's all the same extortion plot. Further, immediately after the then-14-year-old had mouthed off to the camera he'd found himself wracked with guilt and "went to Usher and Will Smith, who helped educate him." Um, just so we're clear, a young Justin Bieber once approached Will Smith and confessed to having said the N-word multiple times on camera? We may never know the details of that particular scenario, but we can daydream about that conversation for the rest of our lives. In fact, I'm going to start right now, BRB. [Page Six]
Oh, also, look at what Bieber just posted to his Instagram: Biblical passages about forgiveness! Sure, why not.
We live in an era when 100% of all people scream and shout at each other during every waking moment of the day both on the internet and in person, so it's nice when we as a race (the human race, guys, come on) can be unanimous in agreement about something. I literally can't think of anything else that we're all on the same page on right now except for how terrific Charlize Theron is? We know that she is easy on the eyes, that is just a fact of nature. But then, dang, is she a talented actor. And then there's the philanthropy and genuinely hilarious personality and her possibly supernatural ability to make us not even mind that she's dating Sean Penn. But just when her perfection seems so extreme that Plato himself would be like, 'We get it,' Charlize Theron goes and does something like this: She accidentally forgot cash to pay for her Pinkberry, it was gifted to her by the cashier, and she later returned to the store and gave the cashier a $100 bill. Yes, fine, that is a baller celebrity move because to them cash is basically just useless Monopoly money and when compared proportionally to our own wealth, $100 is statistically zero dollars to a multi-millionaire. STILL. Charlize Theron pulled the opposite of a 'do you know who I am' move by not only not trying to get something for free, she expressed her gratitude for an ordinary act of kindness in a way that tangibly benefitted someone who might need it. Should I write another one thousand words about this story because I just might. Okay just five more: Charlize Theron is the best. [TMZ]
Do you remember when and where you were when photos of Chunky Bradley Cooper in Short-Shorts first exploded onto the scene? Me, I was in the middle of cutting through 18-inches of pure steel in order to free the survivors of an overturned cruise liner, but you better believe I dropped everything and raced to the nearest Dell to see those pictures of Chunky Bradley Cooper in Short-Shorts. Many drowned that day, which was yesterday, and Bradley Cooper's haunches are to blame. Page Six has the photos (what, am I supposed to copy and paste them here for you?) and they confirm what we've been whispering about for weeks now: Bradley Cooper is getting BIG. But, like, gym big. Not can of frosting for dinner big. Anyway, yeah, he's making a movie called American Sniper and these photos were snapped while he was shooting some kind of Navy Seals training sequence. (Were you aware that Navy Seals wore short-shorts? I was not!) I am not particularly religious, but if you are, please pray to your gods and goddesses that there will be more on-location photos of Chunky Bradley Cooper wearing skimpy military attire released in the near future, thanks. [Page Six]
A lot of people don't know that Gwyneth Paltrow is a scientist. This is most likely because Gwyneth Paltrow is not a scientist. But just because Gwyneth Paltrow is too busy being a working mom and e-trepreneur and, at least if you believe the rumors, an active cannibal, doesn't mean she doesn't have important thoughts about science and the laws of nature and junk like that. In a recent dissertation published by the acclaimed scientific journal Goop.com, Paltrow relayed as verified fact the highly questionable theories of Japanese doctor Masaru Emoto who believes that the human mind can change the structure of water molecules and that rice will grow differently when shouted at. His theories are very sound, especially when you don't have any science background or curiosity about how things actually work, and maybe if you're all cranked up on kale shots or whatever. But please don't be mad at Gwyneth Paltrow for spewing pseudo-science on her blog. She is much too busy hunting and consuming the most dangerous game to be doing any deep reading on basic chemistry, so lay off already. [Us Weekly]
Bad news, fellas: La Toya Jackson is OFF the market. The expensive, 58-year-old prosthetic suit that Michael Jackson commissioned back in the 1980s so that he could hide in plain sight and then later discovered had somehow gained sentience recently became engaged to someone named Jeffré Phillips, her business partner. Apparently the proposal came as a shock to La Toya Jackson, who claimed to People that until Phillips proposed marriage they'd never been romantic in any way: "We're best friends and we've been business partners forever. It was always professional – no one really crossed those boundaries." Though no date has been set, it's widely understood that you will probably be challenging Jeffré Phillips to a duel in order to win back La Toya Jackson's heart and hand in marriage. Best of luck to you both. [People]
In case you were wondering, this is how Lorde swims:
8am dip in rome before we leave pic.twitter.com/6Xr5l4ytvB— Lorde (@lordemusic) June 4, 2014
In case you were wondering, Scott Eastwood is still posting shirtless photos on Instagram and here is one where he's wearing a cowboy hat even:
In case you were wondering, here's what Lady Gaga looks like while pretending to fall asleep wearing a full face of makeup that is meant to look like no makeup:
And in case you were wondering, Steven R. McQueen recently ran into Stephen Amell at a social event and at some point the Vampire Diaries hunk suggested to the Arrow hunk that they take a photo together, you know, for their fans, and he got out his phone and Stephen Amell waited for Steven R. McQueen to open his camera app and then they drew close together and took anywhere between one to three selfies, depending on whether Steven R. McQueen had to turn on the flash because it was kind of dark in there:
But how was YOUR night?