Today in celebrity gossip: Lea Michele is living out a gender-reversed Pretty Woman scenario, Miley Cyrus debuts new beef with Selena Gomez, and James Franco now openly trolling Lindsay Lohan.

Among the many challenges of entering a new relationship — keeping communication breezy, rounding the bases only after the proper number of dates, making yourself vulnerable to lasting and permanent damage should things not work out (LOL) — perhaps the greatest challenge in a new relationship is facing the risk that your new boyfriend or girlfriend was once a hooker. Hookers are a fact of life! It is the oldest profession. (Or was that motherhood? Is motherhood the oldest profession? Let's just compromise and say that hooker moms are the oldest profession.) That is because some people are very attractive and also super chill about sex and also want to be able to afford shopping at Whole Foods, so I guess they figure they might as well sex up two birds with one sex stone. Look, you don't need ME to tell YOU about hookers. You of all people know what I'm saying, but here's where things get interesting: What happens when a very prominent celebrity enters a new relationship and TMZ discovers that the new 'special friendly friend' is a working hooker? Perhaps Glee's Lea Michele could answer that question as that is exactly what's going on with her right now! 

According to TMZ, Michele's new model/actor boyfriend of a few months, Matthew Paetz, has been peddling his wares on an escort website called Cowboys4Angels (prominently featured on Showtime's upsettingly unsexy hooker series Gigolos.) The self-described "certified life coach, dating expert and massage therapist" charges upwards of $350 for one hour of companionship, or up to $6,000 for a full weekend, which is A LOT of life coaching and dating advice and massage therapy. Anyway, Michele met Paetz on the set of her music video for "On My Way" and though TMZ reports that he'd recently squired a client to the Stagecoach festival back in April, he seems to have shuttered his escorting profile since starting his relationship with Michele. But come on, everybody, this is simply a gender-reversed Pretty Woman scenario (or, you know, maybe she's just living out that one plotline from Glee). Has Lea Michele taken him shopping on Rodeo Drive yet? Again, ask Lea Michele, I have no idea. But yes, congratulations to Matthew Paetz for proving that aspirational dating really can pay off. But most of all, congrats to Lea Michele for, uh, all those services she now has free access to. Maybe they'll mellow her out on set? [TMZ]

Current doctoral candidate in the field of pop culture trolling Miley Cyrus has finally unveiled the object of her newest publicity-generating beef: Selena Gomez! According to tons of fan-shot YouTube videos, during Cyrus' recent Milan leg of her Bangerz Tour, she sang the angry kiss-off song "FU" while carting around a crudely-drawn cardboard cut-out featuring Gomez's face and then ended up "flinging the cardboard into the crowd." Tons of smooth-brains out there immediately surmised that Justin Bieber had something to do with it, because isn't that always the reasons girls fight? Over tiny men? But one need only have a remedial knowledge of both Cyrus and Gomez' resumes to know their shared history is long and intertwined. Before Wizards of Waverly Place made Selena Gomez a star (well, a star to your children and also thirtysomething creeps who watch the Disney Channel at 3 a.m.), she had a recurring part on Hannah Montana, the show that had already made Cyrus a household name (again, if your household has children or thirtysomething creeps). They, along with Demi Lovato, have been peers and rivals ever since then, and now, for whatever reason, Cyrus is toting cardboard effigies of Gomez around on stage. Was it an inside joke between two old pals or did something happen between them recently? Let us never, ever stop speculating. [Us Weekly]

Meanwhile the two Bling Ring poseurs suspected to have broken into Miley Cyrus' home and stolen her Maserati have been formally charged with the theft. I almost hesitate to bring this up, but come on, it's why anybody still cares: 19-year-old Tylor Scott and 21-year-old Naomi Charles are very attractive and one would imagine seeing their poor man's Bonnie and Clyde saga getting its own Lifetime movie just as soon as the network can get Heather Graham to exit the break room cabinet she'd locked herself into. We'll see! [Page Six]

For as much as we can lament that Lindsay Lohan will probably always be a prevaricating, unemployable squanderer of so much potential, I think we can all agree that her celebrity sex-list was a next-level contribution to pop culture this year. She was the like a Native American chieftain setting down a roast turkey before a table of hungry Pilgrims. (Is this metaphor racist? Let's discuss it later.) But as opposed to 99% of the list's names, the increasingly insufferable James Franco took the opportunity to not only deny that he'd had a tryst with Lohan, he also took pains to paint her has a proverbial 'crazy chick.' Not content to limit these comments to, like, a Howard Stern interview, Franco has now released a piece of short fiction to Vice about a 'fictional' hookup with Lohan, which, again, James Franco wants you to know, did not include sex. See, because she'd made up a story about sleeping with him, so he's getting revenge. Or something? Anyway, Gawker posted a very amusing deflation of his piece, entitled "Bungalow 89," which they point out reads as another wordy denial of having slept with Lohan and again paints her as mentally unsound. Here's how his story begins:

Once upon a time a guy, a Hollywood guy, read some Salinger to a young woman who hadn't read him before. Let's call this girl Lindsay. She was a Hollywood girl, but a damaged one.

From there Franco simply just describes the common knowledge of Lohan's career slump and arrests and drug issues and momagers and manages to flatter himself at every turn before ending with these very poetic lines "Every night Lindsay looked for me, and I hid. Out the window was Hollywood." #LITERATURE. [Page Six]

Oh, gosh. This Sandra Bullock home invasion story just gets more horrifying the more we learn. The other day we talked about how a man was arrested breaking into Bullock's estate around dawn when she was home. But the meager details left many questions about how aware Bullock was of the break-in (mansions are big!) and also who the guy was or what he wanted. TMZ now reports that arrested suspect Joshua Corbett was not breaking in to steal anything, he was breaking in to get at Sanda Bullock herself. Oh, and he owns a f*cking MACHINE GUN. To be fair, he decided not to bring it to Sandra Bullock's house, but Joshua Corbett is definitely the kind of stalker and home invader who owns a machine gun. As for what Bullock was up to during the incident...

Bullock was in the house when Corbett allegedly broke in, and she locked herself in a room until police arrived. Her son was not at home at the time ... he was with a nanny.

What a nightmare. Sorry, Sandra Bullock. [TMZ]

This is just a group selfie taken by Alan Cumming featuring his pals Hugh Jackman, LL Cool J, and T.I., why do you ask?

Here's Miley Cyrus lookin' creepy in Europe:

Austin Mahone went to the dentist where they continue to recklessly experiment upon his teeth in the interest of discovering a shade of white outside the spectrum of human comprehension.

Here's Lorde wearing a big damn hat:

Enjoy your Wednesday, truly.