Today in celebrity gossip: Kidchella 2014 happened and you were NOT invited, Justin Bieber can afford a nice steak dinner, and another Obama daughter visited Hollywood.

Buzz bands, blazing sunlight, burritos, bare torsos, and body odor: They're not just for grownups anymore! For years Indio, California, has been home to the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival, a two-weekend affair in which every attractive Southern California resident with even the slightest hipster tendencies converge in the desert to watch tons of good bands open for overpaid reunion acts. It is obviously wonderful and fun and sexy and awful, and the celebrity Coachella selfies that flood the gossip 'zines provide much opportunity for east coast haters to keep on hatin'. But if Coachella has had one undeniable flaw it's that one-year-old toddlers aren't sufficiently catered to! Generally one-year-old toddlers should not spend three days hanging out in direct, desert sunlight making out with nearly naked college students and dancing in the Sahara tent while rolling on molly. That is called bad parenting. But leave it to 2014's answer to Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, to finally put a stop to this prejudice against one-year-old toddlers! For their daughter North West's first birthday party, the two set up something called Kidchella in Kourtney Kardashian's backyard and it's exactly what you might expect:

Guests were greeted with tie-dyed wrist bands and then roamed the grounds where they entered various booths -- set up like teepees -- and were treated to hair-braiding, face-painting, tie-dyed T-shirts and bandanas.

And there were Churro stands, snow cones and cotton candy machines.

Additionally there were two stages where only the hottest of the hottest buzz bands of 2014 headlined: Jaden Smith and Kylie Jenner! Obviously, Kidchella sounds like a dream come true for any self-respecting toddler hipster, and not at all like a confusing nightmare scenario. Also, I'm sure absolutely no part of Kidchella was organized, designed, or funded by the production company behind Keeping Up with the Kardashians. They would never pay for or stage anything related to the Kardashian people, that's how committed they are to creating their fly-on-the-wall, Maysles-esque documentary series about the world's most interesting people. The only question now is, will North West stay in touch with all the hotties whose digits she scored during her life-changing weekend, or will she merely add them on Facebook only to then 'unsubscribe' from their feeds months later when she's returned to her normal life and can't remember where she met these people? Stay tuned. [TMZ]

Games, games, games. Jennifer Lopez is playing GAMES. After the tragic dissolution of her Platonic Ideal romance with backup dancer Casper Smart, Lopez was rumored to be dating Dancing With the Stars' shirt-rendin' dancin' man Maksim Chmerkovskiy. But then she denied she was dating anybody, thus depriving us of our NEED to believe Jennifer Lopez had found love at last. But now she's been spotted dancing all up in the club with Chmerkovskiy! I guess he attended her concert at something called the Foxwoods Resort Casino in Connecticut (uh, you broke, Jennifer Lopez?) and the duo were later spotted at the Shrine Nightclub dropping things like they were hot and doing the Tootsie Roll and Cabbage Patch or whatever (Flygirl references). So what is going ON, Jennifer Lopez? Tell us. Tell us, tell us, tell us. We will keep it a secret, don't worry. You happy, girl? In related Jennifer Lopez, news, the glamorous talent show judge recently appeared on Watch What Happens Live where she suggested that she personally helped mold ex-boyfriend Ben Affleck into the movie star he is today: "I did kind of like say, 'You need to be … you’re a movie star, you should wear a suit! You should do this with your hair!'" You're welcome, Jennifer Garner. [Page Six, Page Six]

It's painfully clear from both the headline and content of this TMZ item that the writer would really like a steak and also to earn a living wage: JUSTIN BIEBER HIGH STEAKS DATE. In short, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez went on a date to a steakhouse, but the level of WANT on display here rivals something out of Oliver Twist.

Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber hit up one of the best steakhouses in Los Angeles -- and it looks like a real date.

Jelena went to Mastro's as part of their 2014 reunited tour.

Oh, to be young and in love ... and filthy rich.

That's the entirety of the article, by the way. Two people went to a steakhouse and a TMZ writer wishes it were him/her. Which, fair enough. Steak is delicious! But Mastro's has a four-dollar-sign designation on Yelp and that is something that absolutely haunts this TMZ staff writer, who has been eating half a slice of old Domino's pizza every day until his or her next paycheck. Must be nice to be able to afford steak, you know? [TMZ]

Here's an E! headline that would really like you to click on it: True Blood: "I've Had Sex With Several Cast Members," Says Anna Paquin. Would it shock you to learn that Anna Paquin went on to add "—obviously, on camera" to that statement? In other words Anna Paquin has filmed sex scenes with several of the characters while also in character herself. She has probably not had tawdry, behind-the-scenes scissoring jamborees with Carrie Preston or Nelsan Ellis. Sorry to disappoint you. But rumors have been swirling for a while now that the openly happily married bisexual mother Anna Paquin HAS had sexual intercourse with co-star Stephen Moyer, mostly due to the fact that they are married with children. But again, that has not been confirmed, please don't jump to conclusions. When you speculate you make a spec out of u and late. [E! Online]

Sasha Obama, the Obama daughter who didn't fetch coffee for Steven Spielberg recently, ALSO has a big interest in the entertainment industry. Well, she's at least a fan of teen soaps: The 13-year-old Obama lass and her lucky friend recently visited the set of their favorite TV show Pretty Little Liars. According to TMZ the girls "hobnobbed with the entire cast" and though TMZ doesn't say this specifically, I'm pretty sure they gave extensive notes about the ABC Family show's dense thicket of impenetrable, exhausting mythology. "More people should impersonate A," Sasha Obama probably suggested. I don't know. But good for her! Pretty cool to see powerful families get easy access to entertainment industry productions, finally. First Daughters: They're just like us, assuming we are First Daughters also! [TMZ]

Hey look, it's Susan Sarandon (The Rocky Horror Picture Show) and Geena Davis (Lady President) re-creating their seminal Polaroid moment from Thelma & Louise!

Speaking of Polaroids, do you think Beyoncé actually owns a Polaroid camera?

Here's Drew Barrymore doing three normal things: Riding the subway and applying makeup and wearing a jaunty chapeau:

Can you beat Colton Haynes at tennis, be honest.

Finally, here's Taylor Swift mere moments before she walked off the end of a dock. Come back soon, Taylor Swift!