Today in celebrity gossip: Kanye West will not promote your bottled water company, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez had a Bible date, and Lady Gaga made a very good decision.
When you are a very famous and historically significant rapper, literally any product you touch has the potential to become a trend or bestseller. That is because you have the kind of touch most reasonably likened to King Midas' ability to turn anything into literal gold. But if you're familiar with that old tale, you'd know that the proverbial 'Midas Touch' was not a good thing, as at the end of the fable King Midas, uh, had problems using the restroom? Can't remember. Something serious though. Like a serious twist or sad thing, I don't know, look it up. The Midas Touch ended up being a curse, is what I'm saying. So too is Kanye West's influence on the buying habits of the American public! Kanye West gets spotted drinking a delicious Frostie? Wendy's would immediately win the Fast Food Wars. Kanye West leans casually against a JCPenney's truck? T.J. Maxx goes out of business. Kanye West marries a Kardashian? Her reality show becomes the #1 most beloved TV series of all time. See what I'm saying? Kanye West has to be very careful not to accidentally promote brands lest people see the association and dash like lemmings, wallets outstretched, to buy that product. So during a recent Q&A at Cannes, West asked the venue to carefully remove all labels from his water bottles prior to the panel discussion. Page Six paints this situation as "Kanye West’s latest diva moment," but in truth it's just Kanye West exercising caution to avoid inadvertently destroying every bottled water company but the one he'd accidentally endorsed. You know? That is just fair and reasonable on his part. It should be noted that at the same event, he publicly came out as "not a fan" of Samsung and his explanation had the power and heft of a Shakespearean sonnet:
The reason I said I didn’t like Samsung is because throughout my entire life … I have to work with the No. 1, I can’t work with anyone but Jay Z, I can’t be with any girl but Kim because that’s the girl that I look at her pictures the most and get turned on the most. I am not going to represent any company except Louis Vuitton because that’s the best.
In related news Samsung has gone suddenly bankrupt forever. R.I.P. Samsung. [Page Six]
Speaking of Kanye West, people were very amused by his recent rant that famed photographer Annie Leibovitz had bailed on his wedding photos, but none so much as Annie Leibovitz herself! Responding to the bizarre allegations that Leibovitz had backed out of photographing West's wedding at the last minute due to being "afraid of celebrity," Def Jam released a joint statement purported to be from both Leibovitz and West that said, in short, "Annie would have been happy to do the portrait but she was never confirmed." Furthermore, "Although Kanye expressed frustration that he was not able to collaborate with Annie Leibovitz at his recent wedding, he is not assigning blame, and is not accusing Annie in any way." Um, except he did both things? Anyway, it's still not clear whether Leibovitz thinks West's four-days-in-the-making efforts to retouch his own photos were what she would have done, but perhaps her silence speaks a thousand words. [Page Six]
The Bible is useful in a number of ways. It's a source of comfort and inspiration. It provides a common narrative that serves to bond people of all nationalities and eras. It gets children used to the idea of violence and rape much more quickly than Nick Jr. And best of all, it can be the basis of a romantic night out with the good Christian girl you're trying to woo back. Just ask Justin Bieber, who recently treated newly on-again girlfriend Selena Gomez to a night out on the town, everlasting soul-wise. According to Us Weekly's evidently VERY pious and respectful-of-privacy source, Bieber and Gomez attended a Bible study with a chill bro named Pastor Judah Smith where they were "very lovey dovey and cute." I mean, duh, source, tell us something we didn't know. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are endgame. But what else? "[Bieber] looks so happy and at peace." Okay, 'looking at peace' usually involves being dead, but we'll take it. Canada's #1 pot-smoking, sizzurp-slurping egg tosser is now much more relaxed. So what kind of hot and heavy behavior were the two exhibiting during this Bible study? They "sat next to each other." HOT. Anyway, yeah. I don't know. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are more religious than you. Enjoy heck? [Us Weekly]
America's darkest, edgiest, and most sexually self-assured actor, Jason Biggs, has the outré sexual cravings of a modern day libertine. At least, that's according to the newly published book of memoir essays by his wife Jenny Mollen. Among other Biggs-time revelations? She once hired a hooker for him on his birthday. But, uh, please note that Biggs claims those dreams of a birthday menage a trois-hastened orgasm never really panned out despite repeated efforts:
I didn't have a good time in the end. It took three ladies over the course of three different days. Let's just say I didn't complete the mission. My wife found the whole thing to be quite hysterical even while it was happening. She was actually on the bed, watching, eating a bag of chips, laughing, so as you can imagine, I wasn't really performing to the best of my abilities. Also, said prostitute wasn't engaging with my wife the way I hoped she would and so it all kind of fell apart, and the rest is in the book.
If ever there was a reason to buy a book, it's to learn more about Jason Biggs' awkward three-ways, am I right? (I'm not right.) [Us Weekly]
We learned a while back that Lady Gaga's proposed video for her R. Kelly duet "Do What U Want" had been scrapped. At the time, her vague explanation amounted to a vague rant about deception within her ranks or something, but now it's becoming clear what exactly happened. According to Page Six the fully finished video was scrapped after a renewed disdain for R. Kelly's alleged sexual predation tarnished Gaga's image, a scenario only worsened by the fact that the video was directed by alleged sexual predator Terry Richardson and had R. Kelly dressed up as a doctor and threatening to do whatever he wanted to an injured Gaga's body whether she liked it or not. Or, as Page Six's source puts it: "Gaga had a video directed by an alleged sexual predator, starring another sexual predator. With the theme, ‘I’m going to do whatever I want with your body’? It was literally an ad for rape." In other words, Lady Gaga came to her senses and made a good decision. Also, if you recall, she re-released the single with Christina Aguilera in lieu of R. Kelly, so yeah. "Do What U Want" will probably never be the hit Lady Gaga was angling for, but at least it's less of a tawdry footnote in her discography now, right? [Page Six]
Speaking of Lady Gaga, she recently donned her best Flashdance getup and walked the streets of New York surprising fans and getting trumpet tattoos:
Here's Justin Bieber just doing Justin Bieber.
[In related news, maybe all celebrities should check out this Page Six gallery of celebrities deciding to get their tattoos removed?]
Finally, everybody's kind of up in arms about Katy Perry's bleached eyebrows, I guess. Do you like them?
Okay cool bye.