Today in celebrity gossip: Teen hunk pop star Austin Mahone is nothing like teen hunk pop star Justin Bieber, J.Lo finally broke up with her backup dancer boyfriend, and Demi Lovato believes that mermaids exist and they are aliens.
Justin Bieber is not the ideal teen hunk pop star. He doesn't seem particularly clever or charming (i.e., Timberlake-eque), his music is garbage, and he seems to be barely keeping it together in his personal life. However, his initial rise to prominence perfectly coincided with the coming of age of a new generation of adolescent girls and he filled an empty slot in the pop culture landscape. Unfortunately there's just the one slot and this slot won't be open again for another ten years or so, so we're pretty much stuck with Justin Bieber. See how New Kids on the Block gave way to 'N Sync gave way to One Direction. It's basically a ten year cycle, which is how long it takes for a pop act to fade and vacate that spot just in time for a new generation of girls to come of age. Look, I realize you didn't come here for some kind of dissertation about teen pop hunks, but what I'm getting at is that 18-year-old up-and-coming pop star Austin Mahone is currently gunning in a big way for Justin Bieber's spot in young girls' hearts and it's almost depressing to watch. He seems very deserving, especially compared to Justin Bieber, but the plain fact is, he's about three years too late. We're already smack-dab in the middle of the teen pop cycle and exhaustion has already begun to set in. Despite his new, top-selling EP "The Secret" and huge Instagram following, Austin Mahone appears fated to become the All Saints to Justin Bieber's Spice Girls. (If you understand that very dated analogy, let's be friends.)
But anyway! Comparing Austin Mahone to Justin Bieber is not something that Austin Mahone wants us to do anymore. This is very understandable in that Justin Bieber is widely considered to be a sentient, boy-shaped pinata filled with spiders, and this week alone we're all currently drowning in old videos of Bieber dropping the N-word as often as possible. For the first few years of Mahone's career he'd been pretty okay with comparisons to Bieber, but no longer! That is how we know Mahone's team smells blood in the water. The world's biggest teen pop star is falling out of favor like crazy and Mahone reaaaally wants the throne. Which is why he's starting to give quotes like this to the Associated Press:
I can kind of see where they’re coming from, but at the same time, it’s kind of obnoxious,” he said of the comparisons. “They see a young kid who sings and dances and … they’re like, ‘Oh, another Justin Bieber.’ Like, you don’t even know. You don’t know me. You don’t know my music. You’re just making assumptions.
Haha slow down there, Austin Mahone. Your music is completely indistinguishable from Bieber's and your entire career trajectory and image are based on a template Bieber helped forge. That being said, there's at least one big reason why Mahone is better than Bieber: Exactly zero awful tattoos!
Please sit down on a soft chair and place your heart medication within reach, because this next item may shock you: Jennifer Lopez has broken up with her 17-years-younger backup dancer boyfriend Casper Smart. Rumors have been swirling for months that their very perfect-seeming relationship was on the rocks after he'd allegedly entered into sexting relationships with more than one transgendered bikini model, but according to TMZ that's not what hastened their breakup. Because, you see, they were already broken up when that that stuff went down. Also TMZ's source would very much like us to know that Casper Smart is as straight as they come: "That he was knowingly texting a transsexual is laughable. . . He's not that guy, but like a lot of single guys online he obviously likes to look at a 'lil T and A." Thank you for that update, anonymous source who is definitely not Casper Smart! [TMZ]
Singer and erstwhile X-Factor judge Demi Lovato has now officially come out of the closet as a believer in mermaids. And aliens. Which are the same thing in her book. She recently appeared on Late Night with Seth Meyers and informed the host that we are not alone in the universe and that aliens may already be here, swimming freely around the Indian Ocean and wearing conch shell bikinis and wanting very badly to be included in our world. Wanna know how Demi Lovato knows? Because Christopher Columbus saw two mermaids once, and if anybody has credibility it's an engineer of genocide. But also she saw a very good documentary on the subject:
There's this, like, really extremely convincing documentary that came out. . . It was on, like, National Geographic -- no, the Discovery Channel. And then the next day they had to say it was fake.
Yep, of course she's citing that very terrible, reputation-ruining Animal Planet documentary Mermaids: The Body Found. What's funny is the part about how the network "had to say it was fake," which was not because the whole thing was a reprehensible exercise in fiction, but because they were forced to do so by people in power who did not want the truth about mermaids to be revealed. Or something? Celebrities are honestly so exhausting sometimes. Anyway, clip is below. [Us Weekly]
By now we all know this stirring poem by heart:
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner.
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced.
Are you thinking of me when you [make sensual love to] her?
-Alanis Morissette, "You Oughta Know"
And we all, all of us, know with 100% certainty that this song-poem was written about Full House's Dave Coulier. That "You Oughta Know" was written about Dave Coulier is a fact that is taught in elementary schools and frequently appears in the New York Times Sunday Crossword puzzle, that is how ingrained in common knowledge it is. However, in a baffling turn of events, Dave Coulier would beg to differ all of the sudden? According to an interview with BuzzFeed, Coulier first bristles at the idea that he could be compared to the "a-hole" in the song, and he recounts the time he even asked Morissette directly if the song was about him.
I asked Alanis, 'I’m getting calls by the media and they want to know who this guy is.' And she said, 'Well, you know it could be a bunch of people. But you can say whatever you want.'
Now, Coulier interprets this cryptic answer to mean that the song was probably not about him specifically, but it was more an amalgamation of all of Morissette's then-exes. But come on, we all know that if the song wasn't about him, she would have told him that point blank. Why would she be cryptic when honest avoidance of conflict is so much easier? If anything, this was straight-up confirmation of a fact we already knew: "You Oughta Know" is definitely about Dave Coulier. And thanks to Mr. Coulier, all our movie theater visits will seem comparatively boring for as long as they exist. That is your legacy, sir. Enjoy it. [Us Weekly]
If you, like, need to watch an internet video in the next few seconds, here's one. It has Hugh Jackman hopping up and down all over the place and it looks like it was filmed on a Cingular-era flip-phone. Enjoy!
Here's American Horror Story: Coven's Emma Roberts taking a beach towel bikini selfie in Hawaii, nbd:
And finally, here's an architectural masterpiece and also a pyramid: