Today in celebrity gossip: Cheerful updates effectively end the Jay Z-Solange news cycle, Robin Thicke pleads for Paula Patton to return to him, and Justin Bieber has given up sizzurp.

Solange Jay-Z Elevator Fight Beyoncé. Cool, now that SEO is out of the way, let's talk about what happened over the weekend with regard to America's favorite narrative since Johnny Appleseed grew illegal plants on other peoples' property. The main thing to know is that nothing happened, really. No, after the Carter-Knowles conglomerate released that official statement in which all parties took responsibility and assured us that things were fine between them, all three have been behaving normally in public. Like, Jay Z and Beyoncé went to basketball games together. Both Beyoncé and Solange have posted #ThrowbackThursday pics of each other on Instagram. There was even the release of Jay Z and Beyoncé's trailer for their upcoming joint tour. Even Solange's absence from the public spotlight has ended as Page Six reports that the erstwhile tornado of fists was recently photographed walking the streets of New Orleans smiling. Finally, Beyoncé posted the first present-day photo of the two of them; it's from that same New Orleans trip and like any person desperate to prove how normal and chill things are, she even helpfully time-stamped the photo "New Orleans May 17th, 2014":

There you have it! All drama has officially concluded and it's business as usual from now on and there will be no further fighting, and any latent or pent-up rage any of these people have ever felt toward each other will disappear forever and we should all forget that there may be serious dysfunction or ill will going on between them at all. Okay? Okay. [Page Six]

Poor Paula Patton. First she endured months and months of rumors of her husband Robin Thicke having cheated on her with an array of models, then she finally left him, and now he's publicly begging for her to come back to him from ONSTAGE. During last night's broadcast of the Billboard Music Awards, Thicke accepted an award and ended with "Most importantly, I'd like to thank my wife for her love and support, and for putting up with me for all these years." If by "putting up with" Thicke meant "is legally separating from me" then yes, Paula Patton is definitely putting up with Robin Thicke. But later he went on to perform a new song entitled "Get Her Back," which included the lyrics "I'm gonna go get her, go get her, go get her, go get her back" and even included this sincere request of the audience: "Alright, y'all, help me get her back." It's not clear yet if Paula Patton watched the performance, or if while watching it she cringed so hard that she caused permanent damage to her skeletal system, but I think we can all agree that this whole situation is unbearably awkward. Stay tuned for updates! [Us Weekly]

These are rough times for early-'00s pop-punk singers. First up, Sum 41's Deryck Whibley (the former Mr. Avril Lavigne) has been in intensive care for weeks due to liver and kidney failure brought on by heavy drinking. In a message to fans on his personal website, the singer describes this newfound rock bottom and confesses that "If I have one [more] drink the docs say I will die." Meanwhile, Good Charlotte's Benji Madden is rumored to be dating Cameron Diaz. Which is the worse situation? Vote in our interactive poll below! (There is no poll.) [Page Six, Us Weekly]

Bad news for fans of celebrity narcotics enthusiasts: Justin Bieber has kicked sizzurp! Yep, the codeine-and-sugar-poison concoction frequently enjoyed by rappers and latchkey popstars will find no further shelter in Justin Bieber's tum-tum. According to TMZ, the main reason for Bieber's abstinence from his beloved wooze-ahol? "He's become obsessed with working out and it's just really hard to do when you're high." But it would appear that Bieber's newest addiction to confident toplessness has already paid dividends in that he was just spotted partying shirtless in Cannes with Paris Hilton! E! Online reports that the young rascal was seen romancing the 13-years-his-senior socialite at Busta Rhymes' birthday party where Hilton "hopped into Bieber's lap while he was sitting on a throne" and where he was later seen "throwing ice into the crowd." And after all that public foreplay, the two "left the club together with an entourage surrounding them." Zalman King himself couldn't have devised a sexier scenario. [TMZ, E! Online]

Pamela Anderson is also at Cannes, and in an interview to promote her Pamela Anderson Foundation, things took a turn for the REAL: "[My high school boyfriend] decided it would be funny to gang-rape me with six friends." #Celebgossip [Page Six]

Listen up, this is not how Amanda Seyfried's name is spelled:

Usually it's the tabloids and gossip rags with the bizarre fixation on makeup free celebrities, but here's a case in which an actual celebrity plays that game on her own! Zooey Deschanel woke up like this:

Yesterday the 17-year-old Australian pop star Cody Simpson (ask yo kids) posted a photo to Instagram of himself enjoying some Australian sunshine in his altogether. Unfortunately, the picture wasn't up for long:

But don't worry, if you're still interested in possibly going to jail for looking at the bare #butt of a 17-year-old Australian pop star, Just Jared has you covered.