Today in celebrity gossip: The fame game's favorite couple reportedly tied the knot yesterday, Ben Affleck got himself banned for life from Hard Rock Casino's blackjack tables, and Kerry Washington has given birth.

Obscure indie musician Kanye West has been courting our generation's answer to Princess Diana, Kim Kardashian, for what feels like a lifetime in tabloid years. Much like that of a well-bred Southern gentleman and debutante, West and Kardashian's slow-burn romance has included all the proper steps: long strolls around the property, gentle swaying on the front porch swing, making out on the back of a motorcycle in a music video, and having a a child out of wedlock. But rumors have been swirling for a while now that when the fated wedding day did finally arrive, it would bring the kind of grandeur that would give William Randolph Hearst ecstatic shivers of jealousy. But all speculation about a rumored West-Kardashian wedding have been temporarily shut down by the gossip equivalent of an EMP: They went and got married in secret! According to Page Six (who got their facts from the frequently spurious Life & Style Weekly), it all went down yesterday Sunday in California and it involved a "confidential" marriage license. But lest you think that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have gone all restrained and and tasteful and reasonable on us, don't fret: They're still planning anywhere between one and several hundred international wedding ceremonies of varying decadence and spectacle. Like that possibly Versailles-set one? Might still happen, likely "later this year." Start getting mentally prepared. Anyway, congratulations again to whatshisname and whatshername. [Page Six]

Ben Affleck is many things: Oscar-winning writer, Oscar-winning director, Razzie-winning actor, and discerning connoisseur of women named Jennifer. But just because the man who has it all has it all doesn't mean he has it all. For instance, yes, Ben Affleck may have upwards of $75 million in the bank (or scattered loosely under his sofa cushions), but he WILL still resort to any means necessary to pull in an extra few dollars here and there. Just ask Las Vegas' Hard Rock Hotel & Casino, who recently discovered that Ben Affleck loves cheating at blackjack so much. According to Page Six, last Tuesday he and his wife Jennifer Garner were in Vegas to "spend some time together," but also to cheat at blackjack and THAT is where he ran into trouble:

Suddenly, managers approached Ben and told him. "You are playing too well. You are going to have to stop playing blackjack. You can play any other game at the Hard Rock, but you are banned from playing blackjack in our casino."

Now, counting cards is not necessarily illegal, but casinos tend to frown upon it and, as it turns out, no degree of celebrity will cause a casino to look the other way. Just to give you a sense of how fruitful Ben Affleck's blackjack scam can be, in 2001 he once earned $800,000 in one sitting. Much like the title character of a certain very good film, the Hard Rock Casino has had enough. Banned for life, Ben Affleck is. No more cheating at blackjack at the Hard Rock Casino. Nickel slots? Fine. Back alley dice? Go for it. Just no more blackjack. Baby's new shoes will just have to wait. [Page Six]

It would appear that congratulations are in order to Scandal's Kerry Washington for not only safely delivering a baby girl named Isabelle Amarachi Asomugha, but for keeping the birth a secret from the tabloids for TWO WEEKS. It's not quite Beyoncé-level bomb-dropping (if only Washington had kept the entire pregnancy a secret), but it's still refreshing to see a celebrity completely forego the crass baby-headlines gossip machine. Also, is it too soon to expect that this child will be some kind of superior human being? Probably. But let's definitely revisit the subject in a couple decades.[Page Six]

Drake and Jay Z must be veal lovers because right now they're having the SOFTEST BEEF. Last month Drake criticized the Brooklyn Nets basketball team as being more hoity-toity than his beloved Toronto Raptors, joking that the Nets' former co-owner Jay Z was off "somewhere eating a fondue plate." A few weeks later Jay Z released a "diss track" called "Takeover," which included the rhyme "Haters wanna ball let me tighten up my drawstring / Wrong sport boy, you know you're soft as a lacrosse team." That's right, he inferred that Drake is "soft" like lacrosse, which is a game in which people hit each other with sticks, right? Ugh, rich people insults. So the newest thing is that Drake attended a Brooklyn Nets game and the jokesters running the tech booth displayed Drake on the jumbo-tron with a Brooklyn Nets jersey superimposed over his shirt. Classic techno-prank! Anyway, here, the Nets' official Instagram caught it on video:

So there you have it. 2014's answer to the Tupac/Biggie rivalry just got ugly as h*ck. [Gawker]

This is, frankly, hilarious: Avril Lavigne, former sk8er boi enthusiast turned queen consort of House Nickelback, recently played a show in Brazil after which fans were allowed the privilege of paying $400 American to take a picture with the singer backstage. The caveat? They could not "touch or hug" Lavigne. So, in the resultant set of photos a wary Lavigne stands an awkward distance apart from her poignantly enthusiastic fans. Like so:

(Go here for more of these treasured moments.) [Gawker]

When is a simple Instagram group selfie an act of major drama? How about when it's Justin Bieber taking selfies with Kylie Jenner, former (and since-unfollowed) friend of Selena Gomez! Anyway, here they are (with a third shadowy figure, whose barely perceptible face may make you spasm with fright once you see it), just trying to ruin Selena Gomez's day probably:

Here is Adam Levine and here is Adam Levine's new platinum blonde hairdo:

Anna Paquin has pulled a very retro move by joining Twitter! (Her admittedly amusing bio reads, "Producer, hot sauce enthusiast, surprisingly functional former kiddie actor.") Anyway, here's her first Twitter selfie; it involves PDA with her husband, Stephen Moyer:

Forget dropping a surprise album nobody knew was in the works, Beyoncé just topped herself by dropping a surprise Instagram photo of herself holding a chimp! (Plus a tiger cub, obviously.) Which act of clandestine creativity is the more delightful surprise? I can't answer that for you, nobody can.

Beyoncé loves that chimp like XO.