Today in celebrity gossip: Pride of Canada Justin Bieber clowned Canada's shame Rob Ford, Justin Theroux was nearly murdered by art, and Lena Dunham has not broken up with her boyfriend.
Intensities in ten cities! Well, just one city: Toronto. Who knew our friendly neighbor to the north harbored within its borders a dangerous metropolis not unlike the post-apocalyptic wastelands depicted in films like Escape From New York or Austenland? It's a veritable nightmare-scape of verbal violence up there! Obviously Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is going through some stuff. ("Stuff" in this case would mean sucking up all of the drugs and shouting at everybody.) But his reputation has taken an arguably worse hit than even the multiple times he was allegedly caught on camera smoking crack: Rob Ford got straight-up clowned by the dark prince of Canada Justin Bieber in a Toronto nightclub! Here's what happened: Ford apparently spotted Bieber at the Muzik nightclub back in March, went over to introduce himself, and Bieber asked him, "Did you bring any crack to smoke?" Rather than laugh it off or pretend he had no idea what Bieber was referring to, Ford instead "disappeared into the club’s bathroom" and emerged some time later "talking about how his wife and children do not like him and saying, 'I am in over my head.'" So basically Justin Bieber, in seven very efficient words, caused a very prominent and unpopular public figure to plunge into nothing less than complete existential despair. So, not unlike the time an attacking velociraptor was suddenly swallowed by a rampaging T-Rex in the thrilling conclusion of Jurassic Park (spoiler), two villains squared off against one another and the result was HIGHLY satisfying. Fingers crossed that these two will become permanent nemeses from now on. But yeah, it's becoming increasingly clear that if you want to live on the mean streets of Toronto, you better be prepared to play The Dozens. [Page Six]
There's no way to sugarcoat this: Justin Theroux was nearly murdered by art. According to Page Six, designer Marc Jacobs recently hosted the Free Arts auction in New York and the VIP area contained such luminaries as Theroux, Natasha Lyonne, Gina Gershon, and Lake Bell. But when Gershon arrived, "a photographer scrambled, tripped and fell" onto a "large neon installation" sending shards of broken glass tubes down onto the celebrities below. Now, obviously this was some kind of Final Destination situation, so the fact that Justin Theroux was not brutally impaled means it wasn't yet his time. No, this was a First Act false-alarm misdirection, I'm sure of it. It's not yet clear what vehicular disaster Justin Theroux had narrowly escaped via a teenager's psychic vision that has earned him a special place in the Grim Reaper's sights, but rest assured that Justin Theroux is by no means safe. "Death has a plan." -Tony Todd. [Page Six]
Let's get one thing straight: Robin Thicke was never involved in a three-way relationship with his estranged wife Paula Patton and a masseuse named Jasmine. No way, no how. Sure, Star Magazine reported that the three-way relationship turned rocky when "Paula discovered that the masseuse and Robin were carrying on a separate affair behind her back" and Radar elaborated that Patton "literally caught him with his pants down." But those are not true statements according to Thicke's lawyers, and he will sue Star, he will sue Radar, he will sue you, me, everybody. He will sue everybody. No more three-way relationship rumors about Robin Thicke, please. You will be sued so bad. [Page Six]
Nick Lachey, former lead hunkbot of '90s pop group 98 Degrees, went and procreated with occasional entertainment news carnie Vanessa Minnillo and that child is now 19 months old, which means that his parents are now 100% certain what his future holds: "He's going to cure cancer." You heard it here, first, folks. We must now merely wait patiently for thirty or so years as the child of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo comes of age, completes his schooling, and finally gets us that cure. Sure, thirty years seems like a long time, but it should bring us all some measure of comfort to know that help is definitely on the way, you know? [Us Weekly]
On the off-chance that you recall the old WB sitcom Sister, Sister, part of you may even recall that one of the title characters was played by Tia Mowry. The other was played by Tamara Mowry, but put her out of your head immediately. This is not about Tamara Mowry, only Tia Mowry. Tamara Mowry can roll up the side of a volcano and somersault directly into the lava for all we care. It's TIA time. Anyway, TMZ reports that Tia Mowry was allegedly offered a six-figure deal to include product placements in her Tweets. That is all. That is all I wanted to tell you. Tia Mowry was offered SIX FIGURES to tweet about stuff. I mean, obviously the company reneged and she's now suing them for that money, but still. Did you know that celebrities, even celebrities whose existences stretch the very meaning of the word "celebrity" are making this much money shilling stuff on Twitter? If you knew that, then you're a Smart Guy, which is a reference to the sitcom that Tia Mowry's little brother Taj Mowry starred in, did you like it? "I liked it just fine." -Tamara Mowry, rolling into a volcano. [TMZ]
There's something undeniably fun about celebrities directly addressing their own gossip items on Twitter. Part of it is how the immediacy and casualness of Twitter gravely damages the gossip industry's overt falsities. But it also just raises the curtain a whole bunch on what it must be like for a celebrity to read what is essentially fan-fic about themselves. Anyway, Lena Dunham did not break up with her boyfriend Jack Antonoff, contrary to what the rags say:
Despite everything I've seen and done, I still believe most of what I read...— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) May 1, 2014
...so when an article claimed Jack & I had broken up after a display of street rage, I was all "what? can't we try and work it out?"— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) May 1, 2014
So there. Can't wait for this Girls plotline. [E! Online]
Ever since a Kardashian Vogue cover mystically transmogrified from rumor into fact, people have wondered what kind of alchemical showdown must have occurred between Anna Wintour and Kim Kardashian to have made this happen. Well, this Kim Kardashian #TBT photo reveals that their face-to-face meeting involved Kardashian bringing along some baby and Wintour declining to remove her sunglasses, obviously:
But the low-meets-high fashion mashups continue in Lindsay Lohan's #TBT photo from the time she once sat in Karl Lagerfeld's lap. Behold:
Meanwhile Justin Bieber wants us to relive the time he hung out with Ariana Grande. Or, if not Ariana Grande, then some other tiny woman with an outrageous prosthetic ponytail:
Finally, Mariah Carey posted a series of hilarious photos of herself merely 'taking a stroll' through Times Square. For its inspired composition alone, this one is my favorite:
Also, FYI, Mariah Carey captioned one of these photos "Just trying to get to my car." That's definitely what this looks like. How annoying!