Today in celebrity gossip: Charlie Sheen does not like Rihanna and the feeling is mutual, Paul McCartney has been hospitalized, and Katharine McPhee filed for divorce.

Among the many sad examples of celebrity-on-celebrity crime, few are as unforgivable as a celebrity refusing to meet Charlie Sheen's girlfriend. Yet that's what Rihanna, in all her brazen rudeness, did to our nation's wealthiest street vagrant. And now we know allll about it due to a semi-incomprehensible screed that Charlie Sheen recently posted to Twitter. (Or, more realistically, it was posted by the frazzled social worker at his adult daycare who agreed to type it out in order to get him to finish his oatmeal.) Taking the concept of unreliable narrator to the extreme, Sheen described a birthday meal for his girlfriend ruined by Rihanna's slight and in the process he bragged that he didn't even know who Rihanna was ("personally I couldn't pick her out of a line-up at gunpoint") but also demonstrated a pretty solid awareness of her music ("I guess 'Talk That Talk' was just a big ol lie from a big ol liar"). And just FYI, Sheen believes Rihanna is "the Village idiot" and he did NOT care for her pink wig ("Halloween isn't for a while but good on you for testing out your costume in public"). Sheen concluded this series of devastating burns with some words of advice for Rihanna the next time a national embarrassment and his former-pornstar fiancé try to get face time at a restaurant: "If ya don't wanna get bothered DONT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE!" Meanwhile, Rihanna responded to Sheen's rant with this simple and eloquent tweet:

TOLD. (Although using the term "old queen" with regard to Charlie Sheen is offensive to actual old queens, who are generally awesome.) Finally, and this is neither here nor there, but Charlie Sheen would really like to rejoin Two & a Half Men, please. [Page Six]

First Miley Cyrus, then Janelle Monae, and now former boy band member Paul McCartney has fallen ill and cancelled a leg of his tour, bringing the total number of musicians falling ill and canceling tours to a cool 100 percent. But before you go and assume that there's some kind of bug going around, please keep in mind that Paul McCartney is over one hundred thousand years old (an expensive gypsy potion keeps him looking a spritely 71) and this was bound to happen to a man of his age. Page Six reports that during the Asian leg of his current "Out There" tour, McCartney fell ill but is now "on the mend after being treated in a Tokyo hospital for a virus." So yeah, sorry Heaven. Don't be rolling out the welcome mat just yet! (What is Heaven?) [Page Six]

Former American Idol contestant, castmember of House Bunny, and ingenue allegedly "introduced" by Smash, Katharine McPhee has filed for divorce from her husband of six years, Nick Cokas. This barely qualifies as gossip but for one standout detail: TMZ reminds us that last year McPhee had been spotted totally making out with another man in public! (It was Smash director Michael Morris, by the way). So this divorce announcement is probably not a shocking story, in other words. Nevermind, forget I said anything. Meditate, think about literally anything else other than Katharine McPhee's divorce. I've wasted your time this day and I am truly sorry. [Page Six, TMZ]

According to doctors, almost 70% of women who give birth didn't even know they were pregnant. It happens all the time, at least it does in almost every episode of TLC's I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant: A woman just goes about her business and then a baby bursts out of them like a particularly twisted riff on Alien. Taco Bell bathrooms, taxicabs, Bethlehem mangers: All are possible locations for a spontaneous birthing. By most accounts Thandie Newton was aware that she was pregnant with her third child, but that did not stop her from delivering that child within inches of a toilet. That's right, according to an interview on Today, at some point in the recent past Thandie Newton sort of bent over, grunted and released a slimy and juicy child onto the bathroom floor. Why the bathroom? It "was the place I felt most relaxed and comfortable." Fair enough, Thandie Newton. [This has been a Sponsored Post brought to you by Tilex.] [People]

If you have $29.9 Million to spend, why not purchase Robin Williams' sprawling Napa Valley estate? That's right, "Villa Sorriso, a Tuscan-inspired mansion sitting on 23 acres of vineyards and olive groves" is on the market and up for grabs. I know what you're thinking: "If I'm going to spend that much money on a villa, I want to know what house looks like inside!" Well, according to most reports, about half of the house is extremely tasteful and inspired, while the other half is aggressively off-putting horsesh*t. [People]

Award-winning song and dance man Hugh Jackman recently paid a visit to ESPN's SportsCenter and unleashed an intense tirade into the cameras directed at WWE superstar John Cena. It's a fun to see Hugh Jackman cut loose like this while possibly finding a healthy outlet for some long-repressed impulses, but back when I was in grade school this sort of thing used to be called The I Like You Game:

And finally something to ruin your holiday weekend: Former talk show superstar Sally Jessy Raphael posted this #TBT photo of herself with Richard Simmons with probably the most perfect caption possible:

Just have a great weekend, everybody, seriously.