Today in celebrity gossip: A Brad Pitt-punching supervillain emerged at the Maleficent premiere, Jamie Bell and Evan Rachel Wood are divorcing, and TMZ trolled a Jersey Shore castmember.
Evil is real, and though it generally thrives in the most banal of circumstances, sometimes it arrives in the guise of a larger-than-life supervillain. And sometimes that supervillain punches Brad Pitt in the face. [Important Aside: Google Image Search Brad Pitt in Troy] That's exactly what happened yesterday at the premiere of, ironically enough, Maleficent, a supervillain saga starring Pitt's roommate, Angelina Jolie. According to Page Six, a reprehensible piece of human garbage apparently hopped over some barriers and ran up to Brad Pitt where a scuffle ensued and his hand made contact with Brad Pitt's face. [Important Aside: Google Image Search Brad Pitt in Fight Club] Fortunately the nefarious cretin was restrained and taken into custody by the LAPD and Brad Pitt's face is reported to be in perfect condition as always. [Important Aside: Google Image Search Brad Pitt in Cutting Class] But just who was this man-shaped stain on our very civilization? According to TMZ the villain's name was Vitalii Sediuk and he's the same Ukrainian "prankster" who'd previously invaded red carpets to, among other things, kiss Will Smith on the lips, dig his face into Leonardo DiCaprio's crotch, and also sexually assault America Ferrera. This may not be the correct time or place to get into a debate about whether capital punishment in okay certain circumstances, BUT MAYBE IT IS? [Important Aside: Google Image Search Brad Pitt in Thelma & Louise]. You tell me. [Page Six, TMZ]
Oh, by the way, Brad Pitt is a farmer now. Here's what he had to say to Wine Spectator magazine about that $60 million French vineyard he and Angelina Jolie bought in 2012 and how much he loves workin' the land:
I’m a farmer now. I love learning about the land and which field is most suitable for which grape, the drama of September and October…I enjoy cleaning the forest and walking the land. [It is] the antithesis of the drive, the want, the need to get ahead indicative of life in Hollywood.
[Important Aside: Google Image Search Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall] [Page Six]
Bad news for those who still believe it's possible to live the dream: Evan Rachel Wood and Jamie Bell have decided to divorce after two years of living the dream. If you don't remember, the pair of dreamboats met eight years prior while shooting the 2004 Green Day video "Wake Me Up When September Ends." (Remember when Green Day was suddenly a critically acclaimed band because they made a few albums about how war is wrong?) Anyway, that adds up to ten whole years these two were together. Sadly, the two soon-to-be-divorcees also have an 11-month-old son whose name, according to Us Weekly, remains one of Hollywood's most enduring mysteries. Anyway, yeah. Sorry everybody. The Wood-Bell dream is over. [Us Weekly]
This is probably not a very funny story, but then why does TMZ's headline sound like a Don Rickles routine? "Jason Patric's Baby Mama: He Called Me 'Jew C**t' & 'Jew Lawyer' And Beat Me with a Phone." What is that old Ernest Hemingway exercise about telling a story in fewest amount of words? Because that title REALLY tells a tale. Anyway, yeah, as you can tell, there's a custody dispute going on between occasional actor Jason Patric and the mother of his in-vitro-fertilized child. According to TMZ all the drama began when Patric decided to split with her only to discover he had no legal rights to the child since he'd never married her. (Or something?) Anyway, now there's lawsuits and mean statements on both sides, and yeah. Jason Patric is alleged to have thrown around some hateful (and weird) insults and maybe he also beat a lady with a phone. In my opinion, if that's true, then that was wrong of him, but I can't say anymore about this situation on the off-chance I get called in for jury duty on this case which would be a dream come true. Sorry. [TMZ]
Gwyneth Paltrow would prefer you to stop talkin' mess about her on the internet. During an onstage discussion at the Re/code conference she described reading online insults about her as feeling like "the scabs from your high school wounds [were] being ripped off on a daily basis." (Gwyneth Paltrow DEFINITELY had a terrible high school experience, that seems very believable, yes.) Clearly working through some things, Paltrow was allegedly scheduled for just 5 minutes of rappin' but instead went on for about 15 minutes about "how it feels to be 'a person in the culture that people want to harm.'" But Paltrow offered a measure of introspection about her e-persecution and she summed it up with two different theories: (1) "When you’ve been made fun of and excoriated and dragged through the mud and lied about for 20 years in front of the world … you actually realize it’s not about you." And also (2) "We're annoying." Finally, here is Gwyneth Paltrow's fanciful summation of how terrible the internet is toward Gwyneth Paltrow: "Anyone in any field who has their head rise above a poppy in the field, they get their heads chopped off." Celebrities: Keep your heads lowered in those poppy fields, for goodness sake! [Page Six]
Speaking of internet haters, yesterday the rascals at TMZ posted a set of photos of a very pregnant Jenni "JWoww" Farley (from Jersey Shore, which was a hit show once, sorry if you'd blocked it out entirely from your memory) but intentionally mislabeled her as Lil Kim, ostensibly as a way to insult both women's surgically enhanced faces. It was a mostly confusing bit as nobody would put it past TMZ to simply mislabel a celebrity or get basic facts wrong, but still. You got JWoww good, TMZ! But you can take a girl out of the Jersey Shore but you can't take the Jersey Shore out of the girl or whatever, because lookit how JWoww responded on Twitter:
BURN. Game set match casket grave tomb dreamless sleep. Bye forever. [TMZ]
Katy Perry's currently on tour in ye olde London towne, and guess who showed up backstage for a selfie sesh?
(Adele. It was Adele.)
Well, Justin Bieber's entering that dreaded phase in a young man's life where he thinks that wearing a suit and frowning is the same thing as being debonair. But you be the judge:
Are you LOL-ing forever?
[Important Aside: Google Image Search Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black]