"This is the president trying to tell me what to do. He can’t do that, I’m the vice president of the United States," – Selina Meyer
How quickly everything comes back to earth. After spending last week shockingly competent, distracted by the wedding bliss, the Meyer staff was back to work in their usual fine form in "The Choice."
This week's episode started with turmoil inside the administration: the president announced he is no longer pro-choice and instead pro-life, and the Meyer team was thrown into upheaval trying to figure out exactly how the veep should respond. If she backs the president, it means she’s a traitor to her gender. If she remains pro-choice, she’s a traitor to the president, which as Selina herself points out, would make her a literal traitor.
The veep crew stuck to what they do best this week: they talked in circles, pissed a few people off, and in the end didn’t say much of anything. It’s just comforting to have these bumbling loons back to normal.
But which was the most bumbling? Let's look at the tape:
1. Dan Egan (Last week: 4)
You know how you ensure yourself the top spot on the Incompetency Index? You curse out your boss, the vice president of the United States. Such a week it was for Dan, who after puking his seasick guts out during the team’s late-night patrol with the Coast Guard, lost his cool trying to get Selina to nail down a cut-off week for abortion. After spewing so many f-bombs himself, he got one from Selina in return: "I accept your apology, while retaining the right to fire the fuck out of you." Sure, Selina and Amy conceded eventually that Dan was right and they did just have to "pick a fucking number," but Dan still comes out on top this week. Because he admitted to following Jonah on Twitter, and labeled himself an "abortionado." We’re not really sure which is worse.
2. Jonah Ryan (Last week: 1)
Jonah dealt with unemployment the same way everyone seems to these days: by launching himself with abandon into "new media." Founding the consulting firm/new media outlet Ryantology, Jonah is now his own boss, which means we get to see his jackassery unrestrained by professional obligations. After barging into Mike’s stay-at-home honeymoon and high-fiving himself, Jonah ended the episode with a face full of burrito and looking like a moron on MSNBC. We don't want to jinx it, but post-White House Jonad might be peak Jonad.
3. Kent Davison (Last week: 7)
Kent is the one who booked Selina's Good Morning America appearance, keeping the whole staff up through the night, so he’s pretty much responsible for driving everyone to wit’s end. He also seriously needs to step up his flirting game with Sue (it's a top and skirt, Kent, not a dress.)
4. Richard and Kelly (Last week: 2)
Richard alone would’ve made the top five simply by being present in episode two, but we’re teaming him up with Kelly, because the two are such a wonderfully useless team. Who knew office phones were that difficult?
5. Gary Walsh (Last week: 9)
Poor Gary, all he wants is to be more than just the veep's bodyman, but when he tries he ends up getting admonished by the woman from Planned Parenthood ("You need to quit this job and find something you’re halfway decent at"). From the useless (that line of fruit-as-fetus was just weird) to an existential crisis ("Aren’t we all hiding from somebody?"), Gary had a rough week.
6. Amy Brookheimer (Last week: 6)
Amy is the reason Richard made his way from Iowa to D.C. Come on, Amy, you’re better than that.
7. Mike McLintock (Last week: 8)
Mike was enjoying his honeymoon at home, watching The Dirty Dozen and filling up his sex jar (17!), but the abortion crisis dragged him into work. At least he got to eat the fetus-watermelon.
8. Ben Cafferty (Last week: 3)
The pro-"I don’t give a shit" lobby. After last week’s slip-ups, Ben redeemed himself this week by not really doing anything. But you know what? He doesn’t give a shit.
9. Selina Meyer (Last week: 10)
She tried staying strong, but in the end she relented and dropped an "As a woman," into her abortion statement. She should’ve just gone with her first idea: "Get the government out of my fucking snatch."
10. Sue Wilson (Last week: 5)
In her own words: "I don’t need an enhanced role to know my worth."