Today in celebrity gossip: Selena Gomez pink slips the parental units, Amanda Bynes may not be quite as healthy as we thought, and Joe Jonas has choice words about Justin Bieber.

There are a few key milestones in a child star's transition to adulthood. The too-racy magazine spread. The misdemeanor drug arrest. Procuring a newborn infant and delivering it to the enchanted woodland goblin who'd granted them fame in the first place. And perhaps the biggest one: Firing the parents. That's what Selena Gomez just did! The 21-year-old full-time tabloid fixture and occasional actress apparently decided she no longer needs stage parents for managers and gave them the ol' pink slip. "She believes she's now old enough -- and famous enough -- to have a seasoned professional manager with other A-list clients." Beyoncé did the same thing and look at her! So did Lindsay Lohan! Whoops, nevermind. Anyway, yeah, Selena Gomez is now a free agent. Sorry, parents. You just don't understand. [TMZ]

That creeping sensation you've been having lately is the feeling that maybe Amanda Bynes' return to tabloid fixture status is probably a sign that her happy ending has grown newly jeopardized. Whereas for the past few months she'd seemed content to remain a semi-anonymous fashion student, the Universe (and Bynes' team) have conspired to push her back into the spotlight and the tone of her publicity has grown more and more worrisome. Take yesterday's headline-grabbing revelation that Bynes' mother contends she had "no mental illness whatsoever" and is not being medicated. Was that information supposed to make us feel better or worse about Bynes' various episodes and ensuing hospitalization? According to TMZ, we should definitely be worried:

We made the rounds again Wednesday ... and everyone we spoke with stands firm -- Amanda does suffer from Schizophrenia and Bipolarity. Beyond our sources, there's documented proof of mental illness.

TMZ then lists several bullet-points about why they believe Bynes' issues were severe enough to warrant ongoing medication, all of which are tantamount to conjecture. But one compelling argument that perhaps Bynes was indeed officially diagnosed with mental disorders and put on medication is that many of her criminal cases were dismissed or reduced based on her lawyers offering proof of such. (Again, that's TMZ conjecture.) Anyway, this all implies that Bynes' mother and lawyer are outright lying to the press, which takes an already tough situation and makes it somewhat more confusing. What is going on? How should we feel? Is any of it our business? No, of course it's not our business. But we all know Amanda Bynes deserves to recover, it's just that suddenly we no longer know what from. TMZ's closing line seems dire: "Sources connected to Amanda tell us they are alarmed and fearful." Uh-oh. Hang in there, girl. [TMZ]

Former child star Joe Jonas has been enjoying a new career renaissance as a full-time hater. There was of course that epic exercise in under-the-bus-throwing in New York Magazine, and he's also no stranger to giving tabloid-baiting soundbytes to any publication who asks about his more famous peers. This week he's talking about Justin Bieber! Here's what Jonas told something called Scene Magazine:

[Bieber] is having a very tough time finding balance... I think we all saw it coming. Your dad is your party animal -- that’s going to sum it up pretty quick. There’s an equation for some sort of explosion.

Jonas then went on to throw even more shade at Bieber via defending the honor of his former boy band: "We never really had the interest in doing things like peeing in buckets or anything like that." Dang, Joe Jonas. Also, Joe Jonas doesn't state it outright, but it's what we're all thinking: No promise ring. Without that ring Justin Bieber has been having tons of sexy moments outside of wedlock and if that hasn't fueled his "explosion," then I don't even know what to tell you. What is there even left to say about Joe Jonas and Justin Bieber? Nothing, that's what. [Us Weekly]

Courtney Love should probably start paying taxes, just my opinion! According to Page Six, she's been slapped with an IRS lien for $319,749 for unpaid taxes through 2012. That's in addition to the $266,861.01 she owed last year, plus the $324,335.21 she paid in 2007. Oh, and keep running those busyfingers over the banker's calculator because we aren't done. Courtney Love also owes $96,000 to Dawn Simorangkir, the fashion designer she'd legally defamed on Twitter, which would close out the total of $450,000 that a judge ordered her to pay. Look, sorry about all those numbers. Long story short, Courtney Love owes everybody money! The IRS, Dawn Simorangkir, and probably even you and me somehow. Pay up, Courtney Love! [Page Six]

People's headline sounds like the setup to a very good joke: "Why Do Drunks Come Up to Anne Hathaway?" It almost doesn't matter what the accompanying story is, right? Well, the surprise twist is that the headline is actually the story's punchline. Please enjoy this lengthy, rambling anecdote Anne Hathaway gave to People about her starstruck child fans and then re-read the headline:

Kids are so open and they ask for so little. And so it's such a pleasure to be able to give them a moment of joy. You know, drunk adults coming up to me is a different matter. Particularly drunk adults that push kids out of the way. You're just like, 'Whoa, what is going on with you, honey? You're a hot mess. You should get those priorities in order!'

"Why Do Drunks Come Up to Anne Hathaway?" Oh, People, have a great weekend, you've earned it! [People]

For his birthday, little-known Magic Mike star Alex Pettyfer was pushed into the swimming pool. Here's a quick snap of the aftermath, which as you can plainly see involves Alex Pettyfer and a startling number of wet, scantily clad hunks:

This is only if you needed to see a quick video of a soaked Alex Pettyfer emerging from the swimming pool. Just strictly for your records:

And finally, the image to end any self-respecting celebrity gossip roundup: Justin Bieber's baby mullet.