Today in celebrity gossip: A man was arrested breaking into Selena Gomez' home again, Chris Martin may have had an affair with an SNL staffmember, and Mickey Rooney took a final bow.

When we talk about the supposedly nightmarish aspects of celebrity, we're usually just exaggerating about minor inconveniences in order to dull our own primitive jealousies over how celebrities live. Strangers want to take their pictures? Oh no! Uncertainty over where that next six-figure paycheck will be coming from? Horrible! Invited to too many charity events? Literally WHO would live like this? But facetiousness aside, there are some very real nightmares that celebrities experience, especially if you're a young female. Selena Gomez, for example, seems to be quietly starring in her own real-life horror film. According to TMZ, last week the actor/singer moved into her new newly purchased home in the hills of Calabasas only to get a knock on the front door from a stranger wondering if she was home. When a brave friend reported that she wasn't, the man disappeared and responding officers arrived to discover he'd broken into Gomez' guest house! Fortunately that man was arrested and sentenced to 45-days in jail. Phew, right? Except no, no phew, because due to jail overcrowding he was released only TWO days later. Guess where he immediately went upon his release? You guessed it: Selena Gomez's house, where he was spotted by neighbors hopping the fence. The man was re-arrested, so that's at least another two days in jail right there. And for the record, this repeat-trespasser-stalker is a different one from the stalker who was arrested trespassing at her house back in February. Just a totally different trespasser-stalker. See what I'm saying? This is a legit nightmare scenario Gomez has going for her, and all the rules of a slasher-thriller are in effect. Isolated house, incompetent police, she's the most virginal in her circle of friends, she surrounds herself with interchangeable floozies, she has a jerk boyfriend:

Bieber's caption: "Wondering if she's too high maintenance." YEP. Justin Bieber, simply wondering if an unnamed girl is "too high maintenance" for him. Good luck with that nightmare, Selena Gomez. Don't run up the stairs! [TMZ]

If, in your "Why'd They Consciously Uncouple?" office pool, you chose "Because Chris Martin had an affair with an assistant at Saturday Night Live," good news! Page Six might agree. Although Gwyneth Paltrow and her soon to be ex-husband allegedly had an "open marriage" during which "both had dalliances," sources point to Martin's 2011 SNL appearance as being one of the more obvious times he strayed. Depending on which source you believe more, the woman in question was either on Lorne Michaels' staff OR she was just some random woman backstage, doesn't matter, all that matters to Page Six was that "Everyone was talking about it because [Martin] was openly flirting with her at one of the show after-parties." So there you have it, Chris Martin was openly flirting with somebody once and now he's getting divorced. Whoops, I meant consciously uncoupled. What kind of weirdo basic commoner gets divorced in this day and age? Let us never stop making fun of this phrase. [Page Six]

In a story seemingly designed to get clicks from Drudge Report, Page Six busted open the meaning of the reverse-racist symbol Jay Z recently sported around his neck at a Nets game! Yep, that hubcap-sized necklace pendant with the seven-point star wasn't just an unfortunate sartorial choice, it was a tenet of something called the Five Percent Nation, a hybrid Islam-Illuminati-whatever sect who believe, among other things, that "the black man is God and created the universe, and is physically stronger and intellectually stronger and more righteous naturally" in a world where "whiteness is weak and wicked." Alert Fox News: The first ever verifiable case of racism has now been discovered! Should Jay Z and the other practitioners of this dangerous ideology all be rounded up? Not so fast. "Jay Z is not an active member" of the Five Percenters claims the group's rep, adding "It was always understood that you don’t wear the regalia if you don’t totally subscribe to the life." Uh-oh. Co-opting another person's culture? Now that's just gauche, Jay Z. [Page Six]

It was a dark weekend for portly character actors. Mickey Rooney, the 93-year-old legend of the stage and screen, passed away after a long, drawn out wrestling match with the grim reaper (natural causes). Rooney had been performing professionally since childhood, earning his first Oscar nomination while only a teenager and going on to star alongside Elizabeth Taylor in National Velvet and Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's (in which he played an Asian caricature that is, uh, questionable to modern eyes). Also struck down was stand-up comedian and character actor John Pinette, who outside of his countless Comedy Central stand-up appearances was known as being the infamous mugging victim in the Seinfeld series finale or, better yet, as Coach Kohler from Parker Lewis Can't Lose. According to TMZ, Pinette was discovered unresponsive in his Pittsburgh hotel room and authorities determined that foul play was not suspected on account of Pinette's liver and heart disease. Farewell, fellas. [TMZ, TMZ]

You may have seen the clip of an early-'90s Jon Hamm losing on an obscure dating show when it went viral last week, but if not, please enjoy:

Yep, despite promises of "an evening of total fabulosity," Jon Hamm did not take home either lady that day. But TMZ has tracked down one of them to find out to what extent her life had collapsed into despair and regret since making such a foolish decision all those years ago. According to their Skype interview with the woman, her denial has reached profoundly sad, almost case-study psychology levels as she claims she'd make the same decision again and "wouldn't trade her husband for 'one thousand Jon Hamms!'" Haha okay, so her life must be going pretty great right? "She's never seen an episode of Mad Men." WHAT. Oh boy. It's like we're living in a Jon Hamm bubble over here. What is happening out there? You know what? Doesn't matter. [Page Six, TMZ]

Today is Monday which means it might be a rough one. But please know we're all in this together! Especially your new Monday morning spirit animal, Oprah Winfrey:

(Okay, yeah, fine, her sweatshirt says "Sundays" but let's all just use The Secret on it until it says "Mondays.")

And if you're feeling particularly unmotivated to look your best today, please keep in mind that this was how Mariah Carey dressed during a recent early morning recording session:

"By the way, it's 8:45am," she braggingly captioned an unflattering photograph of herself. See, it's just mind over matter, everyone.