Today in celebrity gossip: A fierce socialite showdown happened at Coachella, Miley Cyrus gave away her new dog, and Taylor Swift showed up unannounced to a fan's bridal shower.

Achilles versus Hector. Hitler versus Stalin. Edison versus Tesla. William Howard Taft versus his bathtub. Some of civilization's most famous rivalries have proven so fierce and unrelenting that they shaped the very course of human history. We can now add two more names to this list: Kelly Osbourne and Paris Hilton. Their most recent skirmish was a scenario so rife with portent, so rich with meaning, that Page Six posted two completely different accounts of what happened like some kind of all-knowing sphinx who chooses to inform us through riddles and vagaries. Anyway, this past weekend the two socialites voted most likely to contract Victorian-era wasting diseases in 2014 had an unfortunate run-in in the VIP area of a pop-up bar near the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival. Depending on which Page Six account you believe more, either Paris Hilton's entourage had Kelly Osbourne's entourage removed from the club's most desirable VIP table OR Paris Hilton walked up directly to Kelly Osbourne and called her a "bitch" for having "ignored" her. Whatever happened, the events hastened Osbourne to handle the situation the best way she knew how: by tweeting about it.

Fortunately for future historians looking to document all the twists and turns of this complicated rivalry, Hilton's rebuttal was swift and nonsensical:

From whom was Hilton "getting tweets" aside from Osbourne herself? Was Hilton passive-aggressively implying that Osbourne had "invented" this story? And do you think Hilton was genuinely trying to handle the disagreement maturely by claiming she knew nothing, or is pleading ignorance of someone else's presence just some next-level shade throwing? To be honest none of these questions are important and we should think long and hard about maybe just all doing cartwheels into a volcano. [Page Six, Page Six]

Just when you thought that heartache and tragedy could be easily solved via pet adoption, Miley Cyrus has gone and proved us wrong yet again. Mere days after the untimely death of her dog Floyd, Cyrus tried to fill the Floyd-shaped hole in her heart with a brand new puppy named Moonie. Unfortunately, Cyrus' happy ending was not long-lived, as this slightly cryptic Tweet proved:

When a fan asked where Moonie had gone, Cyrus responded "After wht happened Im scared 2 have a tiny dog." Us Weekly speculates this was a reference to Floyd's rumored cause of death: COYOTE. Thus ends another chapter in the tragic pet-owning history of Miley Cyrus. Stay tuned for what will undoubtedly be an unending saga of pet-related heartache.

Also, Miley Cyrus just retweeted her father:

Dads! [Us Weekly]

Depending on your opinion of Taylor Swift's ultimate intentions (Is she genuinely nice? Is she cunning on the level of a supervillain?) this story will either charm you or chill you to your bones. After filming her awkward appearance on SNL this past weekend, Swift apparently made a last-minute decision (at 1am!) to suddenly drive to Ohio and attend a fan's bridal shower.

The lucky fan, Gena Gabrielle, gave a blow-by-blow on Twitter and was quick to point out one important thing: "Taylor didn't crash the bridal shower she had an invitation." Apparently the two had been having fan-superstar encounters for years and Gabrielle invited Swift to her wedding, but the bridal shower was the best Swift could swing. And yes, she brought gifts which included a fancy mixer (with Swift's own handwritten cookie recipe), "Le Creuset kitchen supplies and a Barefoot Contessa cookbook." From one angle: What a delightful way to honor a fan, and by extension, all fans! But also, come on, this all seems diabolical somehow. Taylor Swift, what are you up to? And why did you need to get out of New York all of the sudden? Are you on the run, girl? Be honest. [People]

Alexa Ray Joel, the singer-songwriter daughter of Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley, has become an increasingly frequent fixture of the gossip rags lately, mostly to do with her side career as a sexy high fashion model with perhaps surgically enhanced features. (The 'perhaps surgically enhanced' part being the most frequent gossip topic it seems.) Anyway, Alexa Ray Joel finally went and did something genuinely interesting: She collapsed on stage! According to Page Six, the scare happened "during her sold-out show at Café Carlyle on Saturday night." She was taken to a nearby hospital and diagnosed with "vasovagal syncope, one of the most common causes of fainting." The 28-year-old has apparently fainted before, including just before a 2006 gig at Marist College, but don't worry, according to a source she's currently "100 percent fine." Please feel free to continue listening to "River of Dreams" at full volume. [Page Six, Us Weekly]

The Is-She-Or-Isn't-She game that is Lindsay Lohan's sobriety continues to whiplash between both options, just depends on where you 're getting your Lohan scoops these days. If you go by the more mainstream sites, she's definitely still sober despite hanging out in booze-soaked night clubs and pill-friendly music festivals. But if you go by Lohan's ostensible primary source, the OWN docuseries Lindsay, she's sober but for a slip-up (or two?). Radar, on the other hand, continues reporting its wholly alternative take to the saga by assert that Lohan's much less dry than anybody thought, particularly at Coachella where she straight-up back-flipped off the wagon by downing "a vodka soda drink" in plain sight. "After her relapse this past weekend... 'no one around her was surprised' to hear about her boozing again." Which, uh, yeah, that is an aspect of alcoholism. Your friends and family generally won't be surprised by a relapse. But it seems like maybe Radar should back up these claims more substantively? Lohan would have to be pretty far gone to suddenly decide to drink in front of her younger siblings and tons of press at a widely observed Coachella after party. Oh, who even knows. [Radar]

Probably the best thing that has happened to the world since Alex Pettyfer's friends pushed him in the pool for his birthday has been the widespread discovery of his Instagram feed. Truly a gift that keeps on giving, Pettyfer surrounds himself with a startling number of hunks at all times and generously shares evidence of his adventures throughout the day. For example, here is a picture of the Magic Mike star just chillin' with one of his bros at Coachella like normal bros do:

And finally, here is Selena Gomez lying in a pile of ladies:

The one with the ludicrous nose ring is Kendall Jenner. Kendall Jenner is a Kardashian. It doesn't matter and will never matter, but them's the facts. Have a great day!