Today in celebrity gossip: Lindsay Lohan came clean about some things, Justin Bieber's beef with Drake Bell continues, and Miley Cyrus has postponed the rest of her U.S. Bangerz Tour dates.
We have to talk about Lindsay Lohan. Not necessarily because we want to or because it is good for us, but because we have to, for it is THE LAW. There are taser-wielding strongmen standing behind me as I type this, very similar to the ones standing behind you to make sure you're reading. None of us has a choice! That being said, Lindsay Lohan sure is an endless font of eyebrow-raising scenarios lately. Ironically, for the first six weeks of the Oprah-masterminded docuseries Lindsay, our steady diet of Lohan news derived mainly from realtime tabloid reports and not that allegedly unflinching weekly TV glimpse into her nightmarish life. But that changed last night during the two final installments of what will surely be this series' only season. In her very final wrap-up interview, Lohan defended herself from the perception that she'd been unprofessional in refusing to film on certain days by dropping this bomb:
When the camera's on, I'm on. And if I know I'm not capable of being on, that's why I would say that I couldn't film today. And no one knows this... I had a miscarriage for those two weeks that I took off. It was a very long story.
Gawker has the video clip, but she basically went on to give elaborate, circular, and ultimately meaningless excuses for her various failings, but it was that casual revelation that detonated like a dirty bomb in haters' hearts. Who could possibly fault Lohan for unprofessionalism when she was secretly grappling with that trauma? The question is rhetorical, nobody could fault Lohan for wanting to avoid cameras during an experience like that. However, to play the devil's most devilish of advocates, if after the series began airing, Lohan suddenly realized just how damaging Lindsay could be to her future employment, wouldn't she be wise to make up a truly tragic story simply to save face? A recurring theme of Lindsay was her facility with prevarication and her ability to manipulate the sympathies of those around her, including even Oprah's and ours. Classic addict behavior, really. But man, who are we to accuse Lindsay Lohan of lying about something so serious? She may not have wanted to elaborate on the "very long story" behind her pregnancy, subsequent miscarriage, or even who the father may have been, but our basic human decency dictates that we take her at her word. So we shall! [Page Six, Gawker]
Meanwhile, in a slightly less troubling moment from the same on-camera postmortem, Lohan explained what she'd already confirmed during her recent appearance on Watch What Happens Live: That infamous handwritten list of celebrity conquests was indeed real. Until now it hadn't been clear why it was written on what appeared to be a Scattergories score card, but Lohan explained it was actually a page taken from her Betty Ford rehab workbook in which recovering addicts are asked to do a bit of sexual stock-taking. Lohan didn't elaborate on whether it was necessary to fill up all 36 spaces with the names of across-the-board famous men, but she did hint that the list had been stolen from her by someone she trusted and who may have appeared on Lindsay earlier in the season. Again, though, she declined to name names. In this one particular circumstance, privacy should be respected apparently. [Page Six]
Let's turn now toward our other favorite post-peak gossip fixture, Justin Bieber. Would you be shocked to learn he did something bratty recently? Justin Bieber did something bratty recently. Reheating the beef that's been sizzling between Bieber and singer Drake Bell for months now, Bieber allegedly instructed his van driver to pull up in front of Drake Bell's record release party at L.A.'s The Grove shopping center and steal focus away from the former Nickelodeon star on his special night. Bieber then 'grammed a photo someone had taken of Drake forlornly watching the scene unfold from a lonely balcony and added the facetious caption "Why is [Justin Bieber's van] getting more attention than my album release party?" In a rare display of maturity, Bieber then deleted that picture (E! has the screenshot) and instead posted this video with the caption "So nice seeing my fans at the grove tonight":
You got him good, Justin Bieber. Bell responded by taking to Twitter with a facetious dig of his own:
@justinbieber Damn! they told me you were there while I was changing. I tried to come get you in time but you split. only saw you drive away— Drake Bell (@DrakeBell) April 18, 2014
If you recall, back when Bieber was having some issues with Miami law enforcement, Bell encouraged everybody to sign a petition to have Bieber deported back to Canada. Well, guess what? That petition is back in the headlines in that the White House finally acknowledged it (as it was signed by more than 273,000 people) with this response:
Sorry to disappoint, but we won’t be commenting on this one. We’ll leave it to others to comment on Mr. Bieber’s case, but we’re glad you care about immigration issues.
So to sum up, the very famous Justin Bieber is firmly enmeshed in a feud with a comparatively obscure former child star who is getting less and less obscure every day the feud remains active. Congratulations to everybody, it's working! [Page Six, E! Online, Page Six]
Dang, all these former child star shenanigans have produced at least one surprising effect: Miley Cyrus seems downright regal by comparison. Unfortunately she's also sick as a dog-not-yet-eaten-by-coyotes. Last week the singer who runs things/things don't run she was rushed to the hospital after suffering a mysterious allergic reaction to antibiotics, but now it's looking like that situation was not an overreaction as she's now put the remainder of her U.S. Bangerz Tour dates on hold until August so she can properly recover. (Her European dates will proceed as planned starting in May.) Get well soon, you drawlin' provocateuse. [Page Six]
It may not yet be Thursday, but that doesn't mean we can't indulge in a bit of throwback fun. How about some good, old-fashioned beef between the Backstreet Boys' Nick Carter and 'N Sync's Joey Fatone? See, last week Fatone told the Huffington Post that Backstreet Boys were only back together and touring because "they just need the money." Well, Nick Carter has now officially bristled at that manifestly true statement by saying that he was "disappointed" in Fatone, adding:
I'm proud of who we are and love what we stand for. Truthfully its about not letting our fans down. Sorry bro but you have us all wrong.— Nick Carter (@nickcarter) April 18, 2014
Did you hear that, bro? You have Nick Carter and the Backstreet Boys all wrong. They aren't simply dragging their middle-aged feet around county fair stages for the money, they're doing it for the love! Also the funnel cake. Anyway, points to Nick Carter for being classy enough not to point out that Joey Fatone would almost certainly be out on a reunion tour with 'N Sync right this minute if only Justin Timberlake would return his faxes. You know? Relax with all that projection, Joey Fatone. [Us Weekly]
Bad news. Your friends have been hanging out without you. Here's evidence:
Yep, joining your bestie Gwyneth Paltrow were the rest of your circle of friends, Gwen Stefani, Naomi Watts, Chelsea Handler, Nicole Richie, Stella McCartney, and Sam Taylor-Wood, director of 50 Shades of Grey (but more importantly wife of Aaron Taylor-Johnson). Anyway, you probably didn't miss much, don't worry.
Speaking of missing much, you are definitely missing much if you're not following Alex Pettyfer on Instagram. Seemingly every hour on the hour he posts a new photo of himself hanging out with his impossibly attractive harem of British accented, shirtless hunks. This was from yesterday:
Finally, in recognition of Christianity's holiest holiday, let's turn to the ONLY celebrity who ever celebrates holidays PROPERLY. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Mariah Carey:
Please don't ask me to explain what she's wearing or why or how, just try to appreciate the festive spirit as it was intended! So much festive spirit.