Today in celebrity gossip: Katy Perry's romantic decision-making remains questionable, Miley Cyrus was rushed to the hospital, and Lady Gaga personally worsened California's drought.

The main thing you need to know about Katy Perry is that nobody is the boss of Katy Perry when it comes to her love life. Whereas almost every single aspect of her career, image, and creative output reeks of test marketing and overt, incohesive, poor-men's versions of other people's schtick, nobody can accuse her of making safe or expected decisions when it comes to matters of the heart. The whole Russell Brand thing seemed like a bad idea on both their parts, and the John Mayer incident was never not going to be a fiasco, so when that ended, the question was whether Katy Perry would wise up and make better romantic decisions in the future? Well, you make the call: Is the handsome, openly debaucherous DJ Diplo a step up or down for Katy Perry?

This is not a hypothetical scenario; according to Page Six's source, the pair spent some quality time together backstage at Coachella last weekend: "It was very obvious that Katy and Diplo were together. They seemed inseparable and at one point they were seen getting onto her bus together." In this case 'getting onto her bus together' both isn't and IS sexual innuendo. But maybe we should be looking at this from Diplo's perspective... He dated M.I.A. for five years, so by comparison Katy Perry is the girl he can take home to mom. She does seem very nice! And funny! (Katy Perry needs to host SNL again soon.) And hey, if the romance bears creative fruit, maybe Diplo will gift Perry with a "Paper Planes" of her own. You know what? I take it back. Diplo seems like one of the better decisions Katy Perry has made. Congrats to both of them. Let's do this! [Page Six]

Miley Cyrus is not having a great week. First her dog was eaten by coyotes and then her new puppy failed to bring her the solace she needed. Not even a string of high-on-drugs tweets by Billy Ray Cyrus could cheer her out of this existential funk, and now this: Miley Cyrus has been hospitalized for an allergic reaction to antibiotics! The health scare forced her to cancel the Kansas City leg of her Bangerz Tour and she tweeted apologetically to her fans: "Kansas I promise Im as [emoji] as you are. I wanted so badly 2 b there 2night. [emoji] Not being with yall makes me feel sh**tier than I already do [emoji]." But lest you worry that Miley Cyrus is trapped behind a biohazard curtain looking like the sad, ash-white version of E.T., fear not: She just tweeted this picture from the hospital:

There's our girl! Lookin' good and even throwing in a reference to female genitalia just for good measure. Get well soon, you rascal. [Page Six]

The surprise appearance by Justin Bieber's bucket hat ranked easily in the top 60 or 70 things that happened at Coachella this past weekend, but it should go without saying that he did indeed hang out with Selena Gomez while there, and that's a guaranteed gossip-column mention right there. According to Us Weekly, everybody's favorite bad news Care Bear "was caught getting cozy with Gomez" and by 'getting cozy' Us Weekly means "walking through an all-access area where 'they both had on sunglasses and had their heads down like they didn't want to be noticed.'" But their white-hot romance didn't end there; later that day the pair showed up for DJ Calvin Harris' set and "slow danced... surrounded by four bodyguards." To recap, this on-again-off-again relationship is ON again as evidenced by a slow-dance to up-tempo house music while surrounded by paid employees. It's okay to be jealous. [Us Weekly]

Last month, the famous USA Up All Night B-movie villain Lady Gaga released "G.U.Y.", an 11-minute, highly insane short film adaptation of a handful of songs from her ARTPOP album. Seemingly designed to troll the entire internet, it contained likenesses of dead pop stars, cameos by the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills cast, and an appearance by Andy Cohen himself as God. But if we're being honest (let us please, please be honest), the real selling point was that it was filmed at the legendary Hearst Castle, a major "get" in that very few had ever been granted permission to do so before. (Have you been to Hearst Castle? It is amazing! There are secret passageways and everything.) Anyway, now there's been a bit of fallout from the shoot itself and it has to do with California's ongoing water crisis. Apparently Lady Gaga's production decided to chlorinate the swimming pool for the purposes of water dancing, which meant the water supposedly "couldn’t be used for any of the irrigation or landscaping at the Castle. The water was simply drained and disposed of." That's over 300,000 gallons of precious, life-giving, universal solvent down the literal drain! Except, what's this? That's not actually true? "It was a light chlorination, which left it usable for irrigation on the premises." Not sure where the wastefulness angle came into play here, but it probably had to do with the need for some kind of ironic headline in that one of the caveats for filming at Hearst Castle was that Lady Gaga had to pay "$250,000 to the Hearst Castle Foundation and film public service announcements showing Californians how conserve water." Get it? She paid to create PSAs about conserving water and then wasted water herself. Allegedly. Probably not. Look, I don't know. Scandal, non-scandal, whatever. Let's just maybe watch that ridiculous video again:

[Page Six]

It's been awhile since we've checked in on the divorce proceedings of Robin Thicke and Paula Patton, and what better reason than to report that Alan Thicke has now officially weighed in on the split. First of all, were you aware that Alan Thicke now has a reality show on TVGN called Unusually Thicke? Alan Thicke now has a reality show on TVGN called Unusually Thicke. Unfortunately for those hoping that a reality show about Alan Thicke will contain extended sequences and plotlines devoted to his son Robin's divorce, think again: "You won't see his drama." But don't worry, you WILL see the occasional appearance by a freshly divorced and presumably crestfallen Robin Thicke because Alan Thicke ain't no dummy. "Of course, I'm happy to exploit him as much as possible... He's clearly an important part of the family and good enough to participate a little bit." But what does Alan Thicke actually think of the divorce itself? "I hope whatever they decide to do will make them both happy." See, Alan Thicke takes no sides, not even when his own son is involved. Also, he has a reality show called Unusually Thicke. From now on you will never be able to forget this fact. Enjoy it! [E! Online]

Guys, BEYONCÉ IS ON VACATION:

Deal w/it.