Today in celebrity gossip: Katherine Heigl is not happy about Duane Reade's Twitter feed, Amanda Bynes "has no mental illness whatsoever," and Lindsay Lohan prank called Oprah.

No one is more fickle than Lady Fortune, as beleaguered east coast drugstore chain Duane Reade just learned the hard way. At first they couldn't believe their luck: A famous Hollywood actress was photographed carrying Duane Reade bags down the street! What a coup for Duane Reade! A much-needed infusion of tinseltown glamor to coarse through its congested aisles. But good fortune always comes with an asterisk: The actress was only Katherine Heigl. Still, in a lemonade-from-lemons situation, Duane Reade decided to tweet that image anyway, perhaps as an altruistic gesture to help improve the disgraced actress' public image?

Unfortunately, Duane Reade made the mistake of @-tagging Heigl herself and she was NOT happy about seeing it in her mentions and now Duane Reade may be out $6M. According to the lawsuit:

As a consequence of her work in the entertainment and philanthropic worlds, [Heigl] is a highly recognized celebrity… When plaintiff chooses to endorse a product or service, she is highly selective and well compensated.

Basically: Katherine Heigl don't do no free advertising. She can't just have her grumpy, exhausted face freely associated with some drugstore FOR FREE when someone like, say, Slim Jim, might want to pay her millions of dollars for her endorsement. Anyway, should Heigl's lawsuit against Duane Reade actually get traction in the court system, expect tons more Twitter-related lawsuits in the future. But don't worry, while Heigl might allow herself to be photographed looking like a literal bag lady, she doesn't actually need the $6M from Duane Reade; should she win she intends to donate the settlement to charity. But anyway, uh, yeah. Heigl's publicity hot streak continues. [Page Six]

In a story that might warrant the phrase "SHOCK CLAIM," Amanda Bynes' mother and lawyer are now saying that "Amanda has no mental illness whatsoever. She has never been diagnosed as schizophrenic or bipolar." So what exactly was the cause of her descent into bizarre behavior, like shutting herself up in her NY apartment for months transforming herself into an unrecognizable stripper-wraith and then her later gasoline-on-the-doggy incident? Apparently she had actual, bona fide reefer madness. "She is very sorry for all the hurtful tweets, statements and actions that occurred while she was under the influence of marijuana." [Emphasis mine.] That's right, the devil weed made her do it. While psychotic breaks are not uncommon and are totally understandable and only the most ableist jerks would hold something like that against Amanda Bynes, it now appears that Bynes does not want to be associated with mental illness at all, nor even medication apparently: "Amanda currently is on zero medication." So are we to accept these claims at face value? Or is the lawyer merely setting the stage for professional comeback of some kind? (Insurance companies might be reluctant to cover actors with histories of mental illness.) Or is this perhaps an admirable clarification on Bynes' part in that she's seeking to take full personal responsibility for her actions without blaming them on a sympathy-engendering excuse? Feel free to discuss these questions and more with literally everybody you encounter today. [Us Weekly]

As enviably chill as Gwyneth Paltrow's "conscious uncoupling" from Chris Martin has been, apparently had it been up to her, they'd still be playing it off like nothing was wrong. According to Page Six's sources, "She wanted to keep pretending to the world that they were still together," but Martin wasn't having it. "There was no chance they’d get back together, so he felt it was wrong to keep pretending," the source reports. Now, I know what you're thinking: 'Gwyneth Paltrow is capable of fakery???' Whoa, hold on, nobody's saying that. Page Six is merely suggesting that Gwyneth Paltrow is ready and willing to lie to the world in order to maintain her image, no big deal. Everybody can relate to that. Maybe not the part about being married to a famous rock musician or having to represent yourself to an entire planet for a living, but the lying part, sure. None of us are perfect, and as is becoming extremely clear, especially not Gwyneth Paltrow. [Page Six]

Oh, here's a reasonably charming moment from Lindsay Lohan's recent visit to Late Show with David Letterman in which the two "prank called" Oprah:

First off, come on, prank calls should not be so obviously staged. Still though, it's fun to watch Letterman call his old friend Oprah to openly discuss what's up with Lindsay Lohan while Lohan sits there and attempts to seem touched by Oprah's words. But wasn't it weird that, even during a light-hearted bit, Oprah couldn't fully get behind Lindsay Lohan's current career rehabilitation? "I think she’s doing OK," was the guru's highly measured endorsement! Points to Letterman for claiming to have joined Scientology, that made me laugh. [Page Six]

Miami's a hot town. You know it, I know it, Miami knows it. One could even go so far as to describe Miami as "caliente," which also means hot, just in another language. But even with its equatorial temperatures, perm-threatening humidity, and sexy ladies wearing nothing but V-shaped bathing suits and white high top sneakers and playing saxophones, Miami is still capable of getting even hotter under the right circumstances. This week, that circumstance is Justin Bieber reuniting with Selena Gomez for a hot Miami recording sesh. "The pair tried to keep a low profile, as Bieber, 20, was photographed holding the door open for Gomez, 21" at the recording studio where they are allegedly collaborating on a track together. One imagines they fogged up that recording booth like something out of Zalman King's sultriest fantasies. Who knows what will become of the on-again-off-again duo's efforts, but trust that it will sound like the Lambada feels: Dangerous and intoxicating. [Us Weekly]

Oh, and then Justin Bieber went to the beach. Here's a quick snap of how he looked before he put on his water wings:

Finally, here's evidence that Taylor Swift will make a bestie out of any halfway presentable female celebrity. In this case, Winter Olympic ice skater Gracie Gold finally got her turn!