Last Wednesday, March 26, was christened (by us) the first Unofficial Political Corruption Day, because of the slew of politicians who had run-ins with the FBI. On The Daily Show last night, Jon Stewart pointed out that while some scandals get all the attention (Chris Christie's Bridgegate), there's plenty of corruption to go around.
Stewart began the show with a check-in on Christie's George Washington Bridge scandal (complete with a #CancelColbert shout-out), but, well, things in New Jersey are going about how you'd expect them to: The report Christie himself commissioned just happened to exonerate him completely, placing all blame on his lackeys. Of course. Let's move on.
Thankfully, while the Christie scandal continues to be stymied by Christie the person, "Democrats across the country have been providing delicious corruption-y goodness to tide us over."
First, there is Assemblyman Bill Scarborough in Queens, NY, who had FBI agents raid his "home, his offices, and a hotel room he uses." Well, there's your first problem. "They raided 'a hotel room he uses?' That's a bit of a tell, crime-wise," Stewart said. And then Scarborough, defending himself, claimed that he'd only seen a small sample of what the FBI confiscated, and "based on that small sample, I think [the charges are] very refutable." Right, but just wait until you see the whole sample. "Because there is so much that I have done that they didn't mention, the actual scale of my crimes is shocking," Stewart quipped as Scarborough.
But there's more corruption! Patrick Cannon, the (now-resigned) mayor of Charlotte, N.C., was accused of accepting and soliciting over $1 million in bribes. Part of that money was used to fund a feminine hygiene product Cannon was marketing. Stewart explained Cannon's motivation: "Yes, I was elected mayor, but the end game has always been to become THE DOUCHE KING OF NORTH CAROLINA. I AM THE DOUCHE KING." Like the old saying goes, "First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women to buy your feminine hygiene products."
And finally, we have California State Senator Leland Yee, who was arrested, in part, for trafficking guns, all while being a proponent of gun control. "Now we're talking! Trying to stop gun trafficking while trafficking guns ... that's what's known in the business as a win-win," Stewart said. Only one of those guns just happened to be a freaking missile launcher:
Stewart: "What the fuck is that thing? ... I realize gun runners don't do the background checks, but I hope the first question Yee asked him was, 'Why are you trying to blow up the moon?'"
Maybe that's enough corruption for one day.