Today in celebrity gossip: Inside James Franco's social media game, David Letterman announced his retirement, and Jennifer Lopez just bought a cable channel.

The aphrodisiac known as fame is rivaled only by having a face like James Franco's, so it's almost comforting to know that sometimes not even those those two things working in tandem can ensure a successful hookup. In a story Page Six seems to have swiped from Dlisted without attribution (the original source was simply a collection of now-deleted screenshots uploaded to Imgur and published without comment on Oh No They Didn't), we get a firsthand look into Franco's lazy, uninspired attempt to leverage his fame into hooking up with a fan. Unfortunately for him, she was 17, NOT interested, and had the wherewithal to carefully document their interactions for thorough internet humiliation. Here's the gist: Franco apparently met the 17-year-old at the stage door for his broadway show Of Mice and Men and asked that she tag him in the Instagram video she'd filmed of the two of them. Later, he sent her direct messages in which he asked the usual lothario questions ("You're single?" "What's the hotel?" "Can I see you?"), but of course those questions came long after he'd learned that she was only 17. The savvy teenager, perhaps already plotting going public with this interaction, then asked him to confirm his identity by sending her a selfie containing her name written on paper, and he did so. Though the hookup presumably didn't happen, once the screenshots and resulting story began going around, Franco tweeted (and deleted) some non-denials of the incident, along with the line "I hope parents keep their teens away from me. Thank you." Aw, poor James Franco just kidding. [Page Six, Dlisted]

You may have heard that David Letterman has announced his retirement from the late night game. We're still about a year away from his actual departure, but that doesn't mean people aren't already acknowledging what a national treasure he's been for the past 32 years. The man invented mainstream alt-comedy! To get things started the occasionally evil but sometimes helpful gnomes at E! Online have gathered together a selection of some of the more poignant celebrity reactions. Enjoy!

[Page Six, E! Online]

Here is a news item predicated on the very charming notion that music-based television is a viable business model in 2014. Apparently the cable channel Fuse was on the auction block recently and despite Puff Daddy's $200M offer to buy the network and combine it with his existing music channel Revolt, he was outbid by the Jennifer Lopez-affiliated NuvoTV. Or in gossip speak: TWO EXES FACED OFF. Page Six's account of the business transaction reads pretty dry and uneventful, but it did include at least ONE helpful line: "Combs, who at times over the years has gone by the names Puff Daddy, Puffy, P.Diddy and Diddy, declared last month that he was and always will be Puff Daddy." How did we miss this story? Puff Daddy is BACK. Let's just hope he doesn't also exhume the persona that ruins classic songs by lazily rapping over their verses? Or if he does do that, let's hope Jennifer Lopez won't play it on Fuse. (Also, note to Jennifer Lopez: If you TOUCH Billy on the Street there will be a reckoning.) [Page Six]

Child groom Nick Cannon recently appeared on Howard Stern's satellite radio show and obviously the conversation turned to wife Mariah Carey early and often. Mariah Carey is just THAT entertaining, always, even second-hand. The most immediately hilarious revelation was that Mariah Carey has no idea who Kim Kardashian is. This revelation came to light in the context that Nick Cannon had once dated and dumped Kardashian: "Honestly, my wife, she don't even know who Kim Kardashian is... She doesn't pay attention to that." If we're being real, Mariah Carey's ignorance in this particular scenario makes her look VERY good, but the interview then took an unflattering turn when Cannon admitted that Carey regularly fires nannies for growing too close to their children. "It's something about a woman and her children...you know, the minute the child chooses to go to the nanny before they go to the mom -- I would have an issue with that, too." Yikes, those kids' lives. [Us Weekly]

It probably won't surprise you to learn that Willie Nelson keeps a taxidermied armadillo onstage during his performances, but at a recent Las Vegas show a fan apparently stole it! "The critter, named Ol’ Dillo, vanished while audience members were greeting Nelson after a Monday night concert." Poor Ol' Dillo! And poor Willie Nelson, obviously. He is an old man who does not need this kind of stress. Anyway, Ol' Dillo's disappearance spurred a resort-wide armadillo-hunt during which security camera footage was scoured and witnesses were questioned. But in the end the culprit may have become overwhelmed by a guilty conscience: "An apologetic man drove up and handed [a Westin employee] a shoebox and instructions to return it to Nelson... the armadillo was inside." Phew. Ol' Dillo is safe and sound, everybody. [Page Six]

Here is a photo that Kellan Lutz Instagrammed from his recent trip to the dentist for some reason.

I don't know. Have a great weekend!