Today in celebrity gossip: Gwyneth Paltrow's dastardly plan to steal Vanity Fair's Oscar spotlight, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are back on, and Miley Cyrus serenaded that naked teen who asked her to prom.
[Note: Go here for The Wire's full coverage of this year's Academy Awards]
In a year when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences chose "superheroes" as the overriding theme of its Oscars ceremony, leave it to noted supervillain Gwyneth Paltrow to emerge from her secret lair with dastardly schemes aplenty. While we can presume that most of Paltrow's (and her villainous organization G.O.O.P.'s) stealthy, clandestine plans for destruction are yet to be revealed, at least one has come to light: She attempted to singlehandedly destroy this year's Vanity Fair Oscar party! According to Page Six, after Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter moved his painfully exclusive party out of the Sunset Tower building and into a nearby parking lot (which, to be fair, is a parking lot with "sweeping city views"), Paltrow was rumored to have "planned a secret, exclusive affair" at the old Sunset Tower location and planned to poach the Vanity Fair party's guests! The one flaw in Paltrow's plan? Nobody seems to have been invited, and also she apparently didn't throw the party at all. As a source informed Page Six, the rumor was apparently "ongoing gossip from [Paltrow's] now-buried feud with the magazine" stemming from that one time Gwyneth Paltrow paged all her friends to not participate in the Gwyneth Paltrow tear-down the magazine had planned. OR perhaps Paltrow DID intend to throw this party-o-subterfuge but was thwarted during her much too long, expositional monologue when a tied-up Lupita Nyong'o came loose, destroyed the mainframe, karate-chopped Paltrow's henchman (Cameron Diaz) and escaped G.O.O.P.'s burning headquarters with impressive Parkour skills? "This isn't overrrrrr!" Gwyneth Paltrow screamed while shaking two bony fists at the sky. [Hollywood Reporter, Page Six]
For most people, the marriage of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones was more than just a romance -- it was our constant. Whenever life got too crazy or confusing we could always glance at the vision board we'd made of the pair and sigh with relief: "At least Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are still together." So when Hollywood's answer to Charles and Diana allegedly separated last summer, it's safe to say most of us were lost. Rudderless and without compasses we've walked the earth with our eyes glazed and our hearts numb. What was the point of anything, anymore? Ladies and gentlemen, that long, dark journey into heartache may finally be over! According to Page Six -- and, more importantly, Michael Douglas' mother -- he and Catherine Zeta-Jones are BACK TOGETHER. The 91-year-old saint known as Diana Douglas has now gone on record with following news: "They are together. I knew they would work it out." Yes, they are back together and she knew they would work it out! Rejoice, friends. It is morning in America once again. [Page Six]
The Razzie Awards are a bullsh*t exercise in nihilism and unclever snark that was long ago rendered obsolete by the the advent of the internet and it is frankly a miracle that this organization continues to hold their sad, irrelevant publicity-thirsty ceremony each year. That being said, here are the winners of this year's loser brigade! Worst Picture: Movie 43; Worst Actor: Jaden Smith in After Earth; Worst Actress: Tyler Perry in A Madea Christmas; Worst Supporting Actor: Will Smith in After Earth; Worst Supporting Actress: Kim Kardashian in Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor; Worst Screen Combo: Jaden Smith & Will Smith in After Earth; Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off or Sequel: The Lone Ranger; Worst Director: The 13 directors of Movie 43; Worst Screenplay: The 19 writers of Movie 43. [Us Weekly]
Sometimes life takes you on unexpected journeys. One minute you're headlining a comedy show at a Canadian casino, and the next you're getting arrested for falling down drunk on the casino floor. In both scenarios your name is George Lopez. That's right, this weekend "comedian" George Lopez was arrested by some friendly mounties for public intoxication! But don't worry, Lopez was treated kindly as TMZ reports that no charges were filed, "he was pretty much dumped in a drunk tank to let him sober up," and he even went on to perform another show the following night. That's what's known as professionalism! Not the passing out drunk on filthy, heavily-trafficked casino floor carpet part. The other part. Oh, and here's the hilarious photo snapped by a citizen paparazzo:
George Lopez passed out at the casino last night! pic.twitter.com/W0YqsEdjVW— Chad Maura (@ChadMaura) February 28, 2014
We've all been there, George Lopez! (No we haven't.) [TMZ]
It's the slightly skeevy yet charming human interest story that won't quit! Remember that naked teenage boy who asked Miley Cyrus to prom? Well, she let him down gently via Twitter by declining his invite but asking him to bring a corsage to her concert and now we have the exciting (and surprisingly touching!) conclusion to this saga. During the Phoenix leg of Cyrus' Bangerz tour, 17-year-old Matt Peterson was summoned to the stage for a slow-dance serenade to "Adore You." Obviously, Peterson stripped to his boxers and Cyrus wore the bedazzled blazer he'd made in her honor. But when he lowered to one knee in order to give Cyrus her corsage, the singer made this pretty funny quip:
I've been in this position one time before and it didn't work out too well, the last time a guy got on one knee for me. But hopefully this'll be better.
Haha, take that Liam Hemsworth! Actually, Us Weekly interpreted the quote as a "diss" of her former fiancé, but it honestly sounds more self-deprecating than disparaging? It's okay to joke about failed relationships, right? Anyway, for my money, this other thing Cyrus said was even more remarkable:
I never got to go to prom-- Actually, I did go to prom one time and the guy told me that night, once he had a little too much to drink, that he was gay. But I still had fun. And that's cool, too. I'm a little gay also, so it's good.
Not to out anybody in this particular situation, but if any closeted teens were in attendance (ahem) then the impact of a statement like that is immeasurable. Anyway, Bangerz continues to seem like a pretty fun show. Here's a video of the whole charming scene:
Pretty cool, right? Thus concludes today's Miley Cyrus Apologist Corner. [Us Weekly]
Amanda Bynes' road to recovery continues, as does her new interest in dealing with old business. First she got that DUI charge squared away and now Bynes has finally dealt with one of the bigger stains on her reputation: Her infamous Twitter feed, which for a while was devoted to bizarre selfies and worrisome descriptions of Drake's face. A few days ago Bynes took a break from her fashion design classes to delete all of those old missives and replace them with a solitary tweet of good cheer:
Hi everyone! I'm busy studying at @FIDM but I want to say I love you to my fans! Xoxo Amanda— amanda bynes (@amandabynes) March 1, 2014
It's not clear if the present-tense reference to "my fans" means Bynes intends to re-enter celebrity-hood at some point, but here's hoping she sticks to studying for now. It looks good on her! [Us Weekly]