Today in celebrity gossip: America's favorite That '70s Show alums are expecting a child, much fallout from the Kanye West-Kim Kardashian Vogue cover, and Justin Bieber gives us his best James Dean.
All those coins you've been throwing in wishing wells over the past few years have finally paid off: Ashton Kutcher has successfuly impregnated fiancée and former That '70s Show co-star Mila Kunis! But as with most wishes, they don't always come true 100% perfectly. There's always a catch! For example: "In spite of rumors that the couple is having twins, Kunis is expecting only one baby with Kutcher." Sorry everybody, no twins, just the one. But by this point you're probably wondering, how did Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher go and get themselves pregnant? Like, how does that sort of thing actually work? The truth is, nobody knows. Human pregnancy and reproduction is one of the universe's most closely guarded secrets, the heretofore unrevealed details of which exist only as forbidden whispers on the tongues of the gods and goddesses what sprung forth from Mother Gaia. So no, none of us are privy to this information. But bourbon is probably involved. [E! Online]
We talked about the new Kanye West-Kim Kardashian Vogue cover when it dropped like a flash grenade last Friday, but by no means is the conversation over. And it may never be over? That's because all weekend the population continued to review and process the new reality we now live in: Kimye were allowed to appear on the cover of an especially heavy supermarket tabloid! Okay, sure, Vogue is "respected" or whatever, so people immediately began to speculate that Anna Wintour was somehow strong-armed into allowing a famous rapper's reality-star fiancé onto its cover, but Anna Wintour would beg to differ. In the issue's Letter from the Editor, Wintour apparently anticipated the backlash and counters it with her assertion that the cover is "both charming and touching, and it was, I should add, entirely our idea to do it; you may have read that Kanye begged me to put his fiancée on Vogue’s cover. He did nothing of the sort." But Page Six, claiming to speak for the entire population, believed that the whole thing was "a fashion faux pas," adding that the issue "enraged readers who threatened to shun the magazine in protest." Page Six did not quote any readers or indicate from whom it had reached that consensus unless, of course, Sarah Michelle Gellar now represents the people:
Well......I guess I'm canceling my Vogue subscription. Who is with me???— Sarah Michelle (@RealSMG) March 21, 2014
Which, honestly? Sure, Sarah Michelle Gellar does sort of speak for everyone. We the people tend to not disagree with Buffy just in general. But Gellar wasn't the only celebrity with a notable response to West and Kardashian's latest publicity project. James Franco and Seth Rogen followed up their sexy "Bound 2" parody with a Vogue treatment of their own:
As you can see, their version of the Vogue cover is exactly as sensual and erotic as their video piece was. If anything we should hope that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian continue to represent their love in the media so that these dudes can follow in hilarious lockstep. Anyway, that's your Vogue escándalo update for the day. Stay tuned to see WHO ELSE will object to a magazine cover! [Page Six]
It's not easy being a wealthy, zeitgeist-defining young pop star whose current world tour is based around the concept of partying with your friends. For one thing, it could prevent you from having any friends whatsoever! In a highly specious (and for that reason amusing) piece by Radar, apparently Miley Cyrus is very lonely! According to Radar's source whom they claim is close to Cyrus, "the fact of the matter is that she’s painfully lonely." The iron-clad reasoning is two-fold: Cyrus no longer lives with her parents nor is engaged to Liam Hemsworth. Thus, lonesomeness. "Now she’s living alone in this big empty house, no boyfriend to speak of, and when it comes to friends she doesn’t have any real meaningful connections." And just in case you were thinking that, regardless of your personal opinions of Cyrus' recent antics, it's nice seeing a young woman out there on her own and not tied down by retrograde conceptions of female fulfillment, the source ends with this: "Miley’s lonely and whether it looks like it or not, she’d like to find a guy to settle down with." Everybody please keep Miley Cyrus in your prayers tonight, it sounds like she's truly suffering. [Radar]
I suppose we have less of an obligation to respect Amanda Bynes' new status as a private citizen if she's going to keep posting lovely photos of herself on Twitter, right? I feel like it's okay, especially because of how "beautiful" and "healthy" she looks. (Those are not scare-quotes, they are just words that Us Weekly uses which imply that she was not beautiful or healthy previously. Which, debatable, maybe true, but let's try to put that past us now.) Bynes attended Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandise's Debut Runway Show to support her fellow classmates and according to a source "she was sitting front row at the end of the runway... laughing and smiling when she was talking with the people in her group." That is great to hear! And here is a selfie she tweeted wherein she's smiling beside her mom:
Phew. I feel like we all, as a nation, dodged a real bullet here. Amanda Bynes is okay! All the mean spirited jokes told at her expense for months on end can now disappear into the ether like we never said them. Guilt assuaged! But yeah, most of all, yay for Amanda Bynes. [Us Weekly]
Aside from his lack of charisma and a refusal to get into a fatal car accident, Justin Bieber is clearly 2014's answer to James Dean. And guess what? He seems to know it:
Please, PLEASE keep in mind that Bieber does NOT smoke cigarettes. Yes, he will drink a styrofoam cup full of literal poison and inhale anything that gets within 12 feet of his nostrils, but not cigarettes. Never cigarettes. Do not ask him if he smokes them, cuz he don't. Thank you.