The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC 2014) has come and gone, leaving us only with another straw poll win for Rand Paul and some photographs of Steve Stockman hanging out in a bathroom. You might have missed the whole thing, but don't worry because last night The Daily Show recapped the best parts: Conservatives' pitiful attempts at humor.
But before he got to the pseudo-stand-up routines, Jon Stewart took beef with how some in the media were describing CPAC. It was not, as at least one news broadcast referred to it, "Woodstock for right-wingers." That would be like "Lilith Fair for dudes or Burning Man for people who don't do drugs and are afraid of fire." CPAC is not Woodstock; and this year, it was like an old, government-hating white-guy version of Last Comic Standing.
Once you get past Rick Perry telling the crowd to "get it up," though, the jokes – just kidding, the jokes were pathetic. Let's run through them:
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal: "We have long thought and said this president is a smart man. It may be time to revisit that assumption."
Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee: "News breaks on Fox are longer than 10 minutes, and it takes Barack Obama longer than 10 minutes every day just to complain about Fox News at every press conference he has."
Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell: "The president of the United States is treating our Constitution worse than a placemat at Denny's."
Damn, Mitch. Taking shots at Obama and Denny's in one joke? Who are your writers?
Of course, some at CPAC didn't even use their own material. Texas Senator Ted Cruz recycled an old Jay Leno bit: "You know the first Thanksgiving, the pilgrims said to the Indians, 'If you like your land, you can keep it.'" Yea, there's nothing like equating government healthcare with genocide.
"Listen, Cruz, don't quit your day job," Stewart said. Wait, on second thought: "Let me rephrase that: Quit your day job."