Today in celebrity gossip: Sarah Jessica Parker does not enjoy reading her own press, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are engaged, and Kim Kardashian was confronted by a man in black face.

If your primary mental image of Sarah Jessica Parker is that of Carrie Bradshaw just lying on a duvet typing into an Apple laptop, please be informed that she is NOT Googling herself on that Apple laptop. Typing wry life lessons and elegant puns, yes, but not Googling herself. In a recent interview with Harper's Bazaar U.K., the 48-year-old actress emphatically denies reading her own press for the reason that what people say about her is simply too hurtful: "It's the random cruelty I really don't understand. It's not good for us." Parker goes on to describe the current state of the awful world we live in, in which Real Housewives and other vagina-having humans speak about each other in "unfriendly," "objectionable," and "cruel" ways. Which is true! The frequently hateful Sex and the City could no longer compare to anything on Bravo's current lineup. Anyway, one piece of bad press in particular truly rattled Sarah Jessica Parker to her very core: the time a tabloid impolitely described the veiny, peach-colored snow crabs attached to the ends of her wrists:

Literally, I was in the car like dizzy... I felt like I needed to be hospitalized. But it really got me to thinking. And here's what I thunk: I thought, 'Really? This is how low?' Like we are now going to attack, to suggest an appendage is now worthy of...it was so ridiculous, so outrageous to me because, here's the thing, we'll wrap this up. I love my hands.

Haha, "It really got me to thinking" is PURE Carrie Bradshaw right there. Could this hands-drama be the hinted-at final storyline for the rumored third Sex and the City Movie? Knock on wood. With witch hands. [E! Online]

This is really happening: The two most mentally handicapped characters from That '70s Show are getting married in real life! That's right, Jackie and Kelso (Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher) are reported to be engaged, at least per E! Online who spotted Kunis wearing jewelry on her ring finger and confirmed the engagement through "a source." The two were first rumored to be an item in April 2012, not long after Kutcher's divorce from Demi Moore was made official, but they haven't been particularly candid with the press about how their relationship was progressing. Which, good for them! Hopefully they'll also pull an Adam Brody and Leighton Meester by getting married in secret too? That is definitely the new hot trend for celebrity marriages: Privacy and discretion. But anyway, who could've guessed back in the day that Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher would not only both someday be veritable A-list movie stars they'd also be getting married to each other? Miss Cleo probably knew, but besides her? Nobody. Nobody knew. Anyway, congratulations, lady and fella. [E! Online]

At this point, Kim Kardashian should probably just stop leaving the house. Only weeks after getting berated by a racist teenager in Beverly Hills, she's suddenly found herself in another racially charged situation over in Austria. Kardashian was attending something called the Vienna Annual Opera Ball as the arm candy of Richard Lugner, an Austrian businessman who'd paid her half a million dollars for the honor. (Kim Kardashian is a high-priced escort now?) Except at some point a "white dude working the event came up to her in black face" and did his best Kanye West impression. A shocked Kardashian understandably recoiled from this guy but stayed for another contractually obligated 90 minutes until yet another racist Viennese man approached and offered to dance with her "if the orchestra played 'N****rs in Vienna.'" She eventually "stormed out" of the ball after Lugner got too aggressive with her and kept trying to "be alone with her," after which Lugner informed the press that "Kim is annoying me." So in general, it was a wonderful night full of wonderful people. But don't worry, most of these moments were caught on camera by the Keeping Up with the Kardashians crew. Which also means that none of those terrible confrontations could have possibly been staged for the cameras' benefit, oh heavens no. Anyway: Europe, everybody! [TMZ]

There's a highly specialized group of people who will even know who I'm talking about here, but have you been following the saga of Calvin Klein's former boyfriend Nick Gruber and his knack for attracting drama? There was the gay porn career, the ensuing romance with Calvin Klein (despite Gruber's heterosexuality), the plastic surgery, the Fire Island fist fights, the crashed cars, the pill addictions, the debauchery, the threatened tell-all, the cancelled tell-all, the promised reality show, the bitter ex-sugar daddy talking to Gawker, just so much good stuff. Despite his near-obscurity, Nick Gruber has been working overtime to become one of the gossip industry's brightest lights. He's like a walking Bret Easton Ellis novel basically. Anyway, Gruber's back in the news now for Instagramming photographs of himself wearing Calvin Klein underwear. Seeing as their breakup had been a bitter and public one, what do you think it all means? Honestly, it doesn't matter. Just click here to see Nick Gruber in his underwear and keep your fingers-crossed that he'll do something gossip-worthy again soon! [Page Six]

Good news for people fond of hearing about celebrities' reproductive habits! Gabriel Macht (The Spirit, just kidding: Suits) and his wife Jacinda Barrett are the proud parents of their second child. But honestly, why are we talking about a tiny, angry pink potato when we should be talking about how Jacinda Barrett was on REAL WORLD: LONDON? Jacinda Barrett was on Real World: London, you guys. She was the Australian model who flirted with Neil and Mike and everybody, but politely because everybody in the cast was very, painfully polite. Also, I guess Jacinda Barrett has done a fair amount of acting since those days, but don't talk to me about Jacinda Barrett's acting career OR her baby. Talk to me about Real World: London. Remember when somebody nearly bit Neil's tongue off at one of his gigs? Or when Jacinda's dog kept pooping in the house? And Sharon got throat nodules and couldn't talk? And what was up with Kat, just in general? Get out of here, Kat. Also, Lars was a vampire, right? Anyway, the Real World: London's Jacinda Barrett married Gabriel Macht (The Spirit) and they had a baby and then another baby. That newest baby just fell out. What a day! [People]

Well, look who made the cover of Rolling Stone! Sorry for the cryptic rhetorical question, it was Justin Bieber who made the cover of Rolling Stone. The accompanying story entitled "Justin Bieber Just Won't Behave" is, I guess, an account of how the sweet-faced swoop-banged sweetheart of "Baby" days became the surly, cartoonishly feral teenage toddler of today. But apparently Rolling Stone would like us to be shocked and disappointed in the pop star while also being slightly turned on by Bieber's smokin' hot bod? Look at how beef-cakey they made him look! It's all very confusing. Anyway, here's the cover, enjoy: