Today in celebrity gossip: A man accosted Leonardo DiCaprio's crotch area on the red carpet, Drake and Rihanna hung out in a club, and LeAnn Rimes ate a delicious sandwich on the beach.

Quick question: If Leonardo DiCaprio looked you in the eye and told you he's "never done drugs" would you (A) believe him or (B) laugh so hard that your skeleton jumped out of your body and ran off, like, "No way, it's not safe in there!" You frankly don't need to answer that question because I can hear your boneless cackling from here. Leonardo DiCaprio told Us Weekly that he has never done drugs! "Never done it. ... That's because I saw this stuff literally every day when I was 3 or 4 years old. So Hollywood was a walk in the park for me." You read that correctly: DiCaprio's hardscrabble childhood, during which he witnessed drugs "literally every day" inured him to the temptations of the expensive, mind-altering party habits to which 99% of celebrities indulge before their feet even touch the ground in the morning. Now, one could argue that perhaps DiCaprio was just funnin' around and giving wacky make-'em-ups to the reporter, or perhaps his sarcasm simply didn't translate, or maybe he gave the interview on Opposite Day. However, he's been making this claim since the beginning of his press rounds for The Wolf of Wall Street, which is a movie about cocaine and shouting. So who knows what's going on. DiCaprio maybe has never done drugs, or maybe he's weirdly lying about never having done drugs.  Can there be 10 years of think pieces and open letters devoted to THIS controversy now please? [Us Weekly]

Uh, we are not done talking about Leonardo DiCaprio this day, sorry. The second thing you need to know is that recently on the red carpet at the Santa Barbara Film Festival Leonardo DiCaprio was accosted by a "crotch-grabber" who, you guessed it, grabbed DiCaprio's crotch and then fell to his knees and hugged DiCaprio tightly around the waist. The man was taken into custody before he could grab any further crotches, but he was later identified as "Vitalii Sediuk, a Ukrainian TV host who has pulled similar pranks on Bradley Cooper and Will Smith, who slapped him at a Moscow premiere." Yep, the Ukrainian Tom Green has been grabbing celebs' crotches (as a "prank," i.e., the most perfect prank) for a while, and he can now add the star of The Beach to that hit list. But please don't worry about how Leonardo DiCaprio is holding up after his crotch's personal space was so cravenly violated: "Leo looked amused by the stunt." And all is well. [Page Six]

Just when the world was fully distracted by things like International Snow Jamboree 2K14, tragic celebrity deaths, tragic low-speed Lambo races, and an especially creepy old director, it's possible that the Romance of the Century has been brewing right under our noses! E! Online reports that singers Drake and Rihanna recently "hung out together" in the VIP section of a nightclub! "While there was no PDA involved, the source told us they 'were happy together' and looked 'very cute.'" Interpret E!'s esoteric innuendos how you will, but in my opinion Drake and Rihanna are A THING. Also E! helpfully composited pictures of each musician side by side to appear as though they are holding hands, and if that is not evidence of a romantic union then what is? Of course, E! points out that the pair have spent time together before, and are probably just friends after having collaborated on Drake's album, but it's hard to make out any meaning in statements like that through the fine mist of haterade emanating from such suggestions. Drake and Rihanna are IN LOVE, everybody. You read it here first. (You did not read it here first). [E! Online]

Gale Harold of Queer as Folk (or, my personal favorite Gale Harold vehicle, The Secret Circle) recently filed a restraining order against an ex-girlfriend who had attempted to hit him in the head "with a mason jar of coins." There is a very mean joke to be made about how rude it was for this lady to use Gale Harold's life savings against him, but let's be real, he probably has anywhere between 3 to 5 mason jars full of coins so just calling the one jar his life savings would be inaccurate. Anyway, that happened, and Gale Harold would prefer that it not happen again, hence the restraining order. Just on a personal note, if anybody tries to hit me in the head with a mason jar of coins, be warned that I will KEEP that jar and everything inside of it. That's my policy, and it's been working out great for me so far. [TMZ]

Here is a news item entitled "LeAnn Rimes Eats a Sandwich Wearing Skimpy Bikini in Hawaii: Picture." You would be forgiven if you assumed the title was a metaphor or perhaps a wry, sarcastic one-liner meant to subtly undermine the gossip industry's bizarre love-hate relationship with the female form, but nope! The story is simply a picture of LeAnn Rimes eating an enormous sandwich while wearing a skimpy bikini in Hawaii. Obviously being photographed while eating is an unpleasant nightmare for anybody but especially ladies and in particular famous ladies, but don't get too mad at that paparazzo just yet. After setting the scene with its usual lurid yet utilitarian prose, Us Weekly's article reveals its true purpose: The exact brand name and retail price of Rimes' swimwear! Which means this whole thing was possibly set up by Rimes herself for some kind of paid sponsorship type situation. Which means she was cool being photographed on a beach unhinging her lower jaw to better eat an enormous sandwich. Man, who even knows? Truly the most important aspect to this story is how delicious that sandwich looked. Congratulations go out to LeAnn Rimes about that sandwich. [Us Weekly]

As a reminder of what true beauty and happiness look like, here is a lovely Instagram of actors Michael B. Jordan and Oscar-nominated Lupita Nyong'o hanging out and just being perfect in general. Please enjoy your week.