Alec Baldwin is finally -- FINALLY! -- getting the chance to tell his story in the latest issue of New York, and no one is spared! Except for Alec Baldwin. He goes pretty easy on Alec Baldwin.

Here is who is responsible for the suffering Alec Baldwin has endured in the last year or so, in order of their appearance:

  • The Gay Department of Justice, headed by Andrew Sullivan and Anderson Cooper: They objected to Baldwin's use of homophobic slurs. Baldwin maintains that he somehow didn't realize that "queen" was homophobic and that he never said "faggot." That doesn't stop him from referring to a transgender male as a "tranny."
  • Public life: It's changed. People used to come up to Alec Baldwin and tell him how great he is and how much money he gives to charity, but now they just take his picture with their pocket cameras and tweet it.
  • Huffington Post and NBC News: They rely on tabloid reporting now, much to Alec Baldwin's dismay.
  • Shia LaBeouf: He learned all his lines for the play he and Alec Baldwin were supposed to be in and Alec Baldwin didn't, and this made Shia LaBeouf and his "jailhouse mentality" angry. So Alec Baldwin said he would quit the play but instead they fired Shia LaBeouf.
  • Dan Sullivan: The director of the Broadway play. He decided to fire Shia LaBeouf but then he "coddled" him in emails and also didn't like the play they were doing in the first place, which is why it closed early.
  • MSNBC: Alec Baldwin had a show on MSNBC even though he didn't really watch or like MSNBC.
  • Jonathan Larsen: The producer of Alec Baldwin's MSNBC show. He didn't like it or want to be there, just like Dan Sullivan. Everyone Alec Baldwin works with seems to hate being around Alec Baldwin. Weird coincidence.
  • Phil Griffin: President of MSNBC, he never has any paper on his desk and that should have tipped Alec Baldwin off that he wouldn't "give a flying fuck about content." He told Alec Baldwin he was just going to suspend him and wait for everything to blow over but then he fired Alec Baldwin instead.
  • Rob Lowe: He was in the building one day and MSNBC asked Alec Baldwin to interview him for his show. Alec Baldwin didn't want to, because Alec Baldwin wasn't playing the game.
  • Anderson Cooper, again: The "self-appointed Jack Valenti of gay media culture."
  • Harvey Levin: TMZ's founder, who told everyone that Alec Baldwin said "faggot" and that made everyone hate Alec Baldwin, even though it wasn't true. Also he played the answering machine message Alec Baldwin left his daughter when she was 11 and he called her a "thoughtless little pig." Harvey Levin hurt Alec Baldwin's daughter "more than anyone" by revealing that message.
  • Kim Basinger's lawyers: They gave the answering machine message to Harvey Levin.
  • Rachel Maddow: Alec Baldwin was told she would try to get him fired. Also, she's a phony.
  • Capital One: Paid Alec Baldwin $15 million to be its pitchman but then didn't renew the contract because TMZ lied about Alec Baldwin.
  • AT&T: Cancelled Alec Baldwin's speech in Orlando after TMZ lied about him.
  • Bill de Blasio: Distanced himself from Alec Baldwin after TMZ lied about him.
  • New Media culture: Shows us celebrities like Alec Baldwin on their worst day, not their best.
  • New York City: It's like Beverly Hills now. Its soul has moved to Brooklyn. Which is also in New York City but Alec Baldwin just wants to go live somewhere that his daughter can grow up normal and decent. 
  • Show business: Alec Baldwin is done with you. He just wants to be an actor now.