Today in celebrity gossip: Lady Gaga's video shoot involved a light mauling, Rosie Perez does not care for Jennifer Lopez, and Simon Cowell has reproduced.

It happens to the best of us: You rent out Hearst Castle for a glamorous music video shoot, you hire the cast of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills AND a slow loris to appear alongside you only to find your finger bitten and a room full of suspects looking cagey. Well, it's happened to Lady Gaga as well! Who bit Lady Gaga's finger at Hearst Castle? Was it the South Asian pygmy creature or was it Lisa Vanderpump? To be honest, it was definitely the slow loris that bit Lady Gaga at Hearst Castle. According to Page Six's source, after the "cutest creature on the planet [who is not Kim Richards]" nipped Lady Gaga on the finger, its owners "put it back in its box and took it away in disgrace." Disgrace! A room full of mentally unwell banshees and it was the slow loris who was taken away in disgrace? Injustice. Anyway, an interesting side element to this story is that Hearst Castle (which hadn't been filmed in since the 1960 film Spartacus) apparently handed over its keys to Lady Gaga after she made a donation of $250K to the Hearst Castle Preservation Foundation. Everybody's got a price tag, and that includes William Randolph Hearst's ghost! Or, from the looks of granddaughter Anne Hearst's pull quotes, maybe she's just a Little Monster at heart? 'It’s amazing how much [Lady Gaga] does. She’s involved with everything." There is legit nothing about this story that isn't strange in some way. That is why this story is the best. [Page Six]

As citizens of the world we are united in our fondness for celebrity beefs. Unfortunately, glamour-drama is restricted to word-of-mouth, hearsay, or unsubstantiated slander, but every now and again, a celebrity beef (celebeef) has both of the necessary ingredients for a mid-afternoon chuckle: (1) actual, factual, shade-throwing and (2) the celebrities in question are actually interesting. This fits that: Rosie Perez does NOT care for Jennifer Lopez. In Perez's new memoir Handbook for an Unpredictable Life,  the Do the Right Thing Fly Girl archetype describes helping Jennifer Lopez land a job as a backup dancer on In Living Color, only to witness Jenny from the block become "some ghetto biatch, screaming and pounding her chest." Lopez apparently ranted the following:

You pick on me, me and only me, every f–king day! Every f–king day! I work my ass off, deliver and you keep pushing me aside, treating me like sh-t! I know I’m good! I’m better than any of these girls, and you know it.

As we all know Lopez left In Living Color after two seasons only to go onto some degree of fame later on. But Perez and Lopez's beef thrives to this day, most notably when both actresses battled it out for "the film rights to the story of Sonia Sotomayor, the first Latina on the Supreme Court." Haha okay, but that is hilarious.  I want to see this movie and it better star Rosie Perez. That voice. Just imagine it: Supreme Court Justice [Rosie Perez]. Somebody make this movie and HURRY. [Page Six]

Last Friday, actress Ellen Page delivered a Valentine to the gay teens of the world (as well as to anybody with a heart, soul, or appreciation for bravery) by coming out as gay in a speech to LGBT youth. If you haven't yet watched her remarkable speech, it's here. In the whirlwind world of celebrity gossip (ugh), three-day old news is considered part of a different geological era entirely, but that doesn't mean we can't point out how other celebrities have reacted since then, right? Here's a brief selection of the more notable tweets Ellen Page has received from former co-stars, famous gays, and Jersey Shore castmembers!

People has a more thorough list of supportive celebrity tweets. Have at 'em! [People]

Did you know that celebrities are often capable of human reproduction? It's true! Science confirmed this fact long ago, but now Simon Cowell and John Krasinski have proven it first hand. Celebrated One Direction alchemist and disgraced X Factor creator Cowell has just reproduced with girlfriend Lauren Silverman! Eric Cowell was born on Valentine's Day where his delivery was quickly followed by his delivery of wry put-downs to the nursing staff. (American Idol joke.) Meanwhile The Office's John Krasinski and his wife Emily Blunt welcomed Hazel Krasinski into the world this past Sunday. This act is widely viewed as an act of hostility against all our biological clocks. How will you retaliate? [Us Weekly, Us Weekly]

For at least two weeks every four years, we bestow figurative golden-keys-to-the-city to our nation's Olympians. And they deserve it! These talented, brutally attractive athletes spend a lifetime perfecting difficult sports only to suddenly careen at high speeds onto the world's stage and do us PROUD. So if some of them wish to photograph themselves holding up hastily scrawled dry erase boards asking celebrities to be their Valentines, then why not? Thankfully, the noted wingmen at NBC Sports allowed two of our best and brightest this privilege recently. Can you guess which celebrities the jocks reached out to? Oh heck, I'll just show you! Here's silver medalist snowboarder Gus Kenworthy with his ode to Miley Cyrus:

Sorry, naked high schooler, but Cyrus should seriously consider this guy, in my opinion. Look at him! Meanwhile bronze medalist snowboarder Nick Goepper had a perhaps more ill-advised pick in Taylor Swift:

Good luck, fellas? [E! Online]

File this one under Things That Are Probably Supposed To Be Sexy But Definitely Aren't: Mariah Carey seems to have had a lot of free time last Friday and tweeted the following, utterly baffling photo to her fans:

Why the extra boxes of candy? Why the lighting? Why the face? Is that a bathtub full of balloons? Why are the balloons dirty? What is even going on in that photo? Classic Mariah, that's what!