As we gather round the boob tube with our blankets and popcorn and meticulously filled out ballots to enjoy the Oscars, professional critic Donald Trump will offer an alternative to the intelligent, funny Twitter commentary and for your second screen attention. 

Esther at the command, via CBS Television

Everyone live-tweets and live-blogs the Oscars now. Our entertainment desk will be all-hands-on-deck this Sunday, starting with the pre-show at 7 p.m. ET, to deliver the funniest jokes and quips around. Other websites will attempt to rival our coverage, and they will fail. Team captain Joe Reid will run The Wire's Twitter account, and top prospects Esther Zuckerman and Arit John will man the controls of the Enterprise live-blog. Brands will make jokes too, but you will ignore them because you are not a slave to capitalism's cold embrace. If you need additional voices on Sunday night, for whatever reason, one available option is Donald Trump: 

If you're interested in what Trump's coverage might look like, this is what the man thought about the last year in movies, in one tweet: 

At first, The Wire pleaded Donald Trump to shut up and leave us alone forever so that he may finally disappear from public life, like Shia LeBoeuf. He could retire to the New York countryside to enjoy toasted english muffins with a lady who enjoys his company until he dies peacefully from old age. That sounds nice, right? But then, in the wake of this New York Observer mess, The Wire changed course and encouraged Donald Trump to keep talking forever. What I'm saying is this is The Wire's fault, and I'm sorry. 

Don't be a fool: stay in school, and follow The Wire on Sunday for all your Oscar needs. Please ignore Trump.