You don't earn a reputation as the crack smoking, cunnilinging mayor of the fourth largest city in North America without your story getting optioned for a movie, or at least a TV movie. And so, the Rob Ford movie gets cast.
Last week, Toronto Star journalist Robyn Doolittle released Crazy Town, her book about the never-ending saga of Toronto mayor Rob Ford, his family, and the kingdom in which they have come to rule. Less than seven days later, Blue Ice Pictures, a Toronto production company, scooped up the movie and TV rights for the book, at least in Canada. It's not a large, well known operation — their biggest credit is Sarah Polley's 2006 movie Away From Her — but the news signals that by the time this story plays itself out and Rob Ford leaves office, one way or another, the Toronto mayor's story will more than likely make its to the big screen in America.
So we're here to help cast the big Hollywood version of the movie for whenever that inevitability occurs. Here are our choices:
Role: John Cook
Actor: Mark Strong
Why: It's a small role, really, considering Cook was in Toronto for a matter of days before breaking the story of the crack tape. But it's still an important part of the story, and so he deserves a recognizable name like Mark Strong (Sherlock Holmes; Zero Dark Thirty), who has made a decent living playing the kind of no-bullshit, tough guys who would spend a weekend chasing a video of a mayor smoking crack.
Role: Robyn Doolittle
Actor: Cobie Smulders
Why: Smulders already has experience playing Canadian journalists named Robin, as she has on How I Met Your Mother for the last decade, roughly, so the role would be a perfect fit. Right? The two also look similar and are near enough in age. Obviously Robyn Doolittle, investigative reporter, is a bit more hard-nosed than Smulders' Robin, the daytime TV host, but that's where the role is enough of a departure for the Canadian actress to flex a bit. Also, the Vancouver native won't have to fake her Canadian accent. It's a win-win.
Role: 'Sandro' Lisi
Actor: Jason Statham
Why: A quiet guy who moves in the shadows but isn't afraid to allegedly sell you a bunch of weed or allegedly threaten your life, Lisi is the standard heavy in this crime drama. The role would be a walk in the park for Jason Statham.
Role: Doug Ford
Actor: Vince Vaughn
Why: Doug Ford is 95 percent slick political grease and five percent slick hair grease. He's a big, intimidating guy who talks his way out of a problem, or at least tries to, and we can't think of anyone better for that role than Vaughn, who desperately needs a hit. Though, it should be mentioned, the idea of a blonde Vince Vaughn does give us the willies.
Role: Rob Ford
Actor: Jack Black
Why: There's a certain kinetic energy to Ford when he bursts into a room, surging through the sea of media at Toronto city hall, and it only gets worse in the videos of him when he's less than sober. Only one person came to mind who could recreate that kind of performance today, and it was Jack Black. After 2011's Bernie, we know Black can handle heavier roles, and this would combine the best of his comedic energy with enough tragic dramatic heft to bring the performance together.
[All insets via the AP]