Today in celebrity gossip: A young Leonardo DiCaprio almost starred in your favorite film, Marina Abramovic is not impressed by Shia LaBeouf, and Justin Bieber spent $241.75 on movie theater snacks.

Much like the Baby Boomer generation's indelibly etched memories of the JFK assassination, an entire generation of people vividly remember when and where they were the first time they saw Hocus Pocus. The reason for this is simple: Hocus Pocus is the Platonic Ideal of a film, a madcap farce about a trio of drag queens running around a small town shouting at everybody. Or at least we THOUGHT the film was perfect. It turns out we were wrong, we were so wrong, because Hocus Pocus could've been even more perfect. As Leonardo DiCaprio recently informed Variety, he turned down the role of useless teenager Max Dennison so that he could star in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? (The question mark is the title's, not mine.) Anyway, not only did Leonardo DiCaprio turn down Hocus Pocus (currently the favorite movie of the internet, BuzzFeed, and YOU), he's even PROUD of doing so: "If there's one thing I'm very proud of, it's being a young man who was sticking to my guns." DANG, Leonardo DiCaprio. It's like, sure, What's Eating Gilbert Grape? is a truly wonderful film and anytime it is on television I WILL watch to the end and I WILL cry to the end. But it's no Hocus Pocus. Does it have a magical cat? No, it does not. Does it have Thora Birch in a witch hat? No, it does not. Does it have the ceremonial burning of an obese corpse? Okay, it does have that. But still, picture it: "Hocus Pocus' Leonardo DiCaprio." (Sigh.) Didn't we almost have it all? [Daily Mail]

Now that one hundred thousand internet journalists have lodged stories about their interactions with Shia LaBeouf at his new #IAMSORRY performance art piece (an exercise that has mostly just functioned as a Rorschach test of what kinds of people many journalists seem to be), the actual most relevant voice has finally weighed in. Vulture spoke with The Artist Is Present performance art legend Marina Abramovic at a recent art event about LaBeouf's self-evidently Abramovic-inspired piece and she did not seem very impressed to the extent that she immediately attempted to distance herself from it. After hearing that LaBeouf is performing his piece with a paper bag over his head, Abramovic demurred "I’m very happy people are inspired by [my] work, but this is not the same work. I don’t see it as anything to do with me." Moments later, however, Abramovic explained to a passing peer "This actor is doing The Artist Is Present in Hollywood." She went on to openly muse about Hollywood's increased fascination with performance art as it strives to stay "connected to [the] direct public" and also the author included this fun aside: "Kanye West was also at the screening, and he arrived with what appeared to be a brown turtleneck pulled up over the bottom of his face." Moral of the story: Art is the best and not even Shia LaBeouf can change that. [Vulture]

Recently Justin Bieber took a break from being a teen celebrity meltdown cliché to enjoy a pleasant afternoon at the movies! Where he spent nearly $250 on snacks! "So, uh, that's two sodas and a box of Whoppers," you've already joked to yourself. But cool it. There were nachos and ice cream and chicken tenders and mozzarella sticks involved as well. Oh and EIGHT large sodas. That's because when you're feeding an entourage of 10 after a long day of sycophancy and enabling, you better be ready to flash a Black Amex at Ride Along. Anyway, this quote from the unnamed source made me laugh: "When a woman [in the group] asked what [Bieber] wanted to eat, he yelled across the lobby, ‘I want hot dogs!!!'" And so it came to pass that our sweet, sweet prince was presented with no fewer than seven hot dogs. Eat your fill, sweet boy. You deserve it. [E! Online]

Here's a hot new trend for winter: Subpoena-ing celebrities to testify in your legal proceedings! Apparently some rando motivational speaker is currently playing chicken with the devil by suing no less than Oprah Winfrey for allegedly stealing her trademark slogan "own your power." And in the process, she's called upon designer Vera Wang to "sit for a deposition because the dressmaker was present at a big event where Oprah used the phrase." Needless to say, Wang is not super interested in doing that as "she hardly remembers the event" and "she's working 24/7 to prep for her big bridal gown show." (Aren't we all?) Similarly, Chrystal Workman, the embattled, custody-losing mother of Modern Family teen star Ariel Winter, has subpoenaed nearly the entire cast of Modern Family (including Ed O'Neill, Julie Bowen, Sofia Vergara, and Jesse Tyler Ferguson) to testify in her custody hearing that "she's not a terrible mother." And lest you somehow think it is reasonable that Workman has called in over 80 cast and crew of Modern Family to testify as character witnesses, please be advised that Workman is currently acting as her own lawyer and would be personally doing the interrogations. On the other hand, I'm currently picturing Sofia Vergara taking the stand in a black veil and that makes me laugh and now maybe I'm rooting for this to happen? [TMZ, TMZ]

Former Full House star and current Dark Crystal gelfling Ashley Olsen took note of twin sister Mary Kate's relationship with a very old man (Olivier Sarkozy) and said "Yes, me too, please" and snagged herself a much older boyfriend as well! The lucky guy is Bennett Miller, celebrated director of Moneyball and Capote, and he's at least 20 years older than Olsen as well as 18-inches taller (basically). The two were recently spotted canoodling at NYC's newest celebrity hot spot, Philip Seymour Hoffman's funeral. [Us Weekly]

And now, a picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar hanging out with Michelle Trachtenberg and Seth Green on the set of The Crazy Ones! (Cue Buffy nostalgia brain fireworks.)