Today in celebrity gossip: Al Roker offered an impolite comparison to Conan O'Brien's TBS show, a new video of Sam Worthington attacking a paparazzo has surfaced, and Ellen Page enjoyed a pleasant day out with Evan Rachel Wood.

Ever since a scorned nomadic witch traced a sigil at Al Roker and shrank his body into a twisted, disturbing husk, the Today weatherman's once affable personality seems to have grown similarly gnarly! Frequent viewers of Late Night with Conan O'Brien may recall that Roker was a frequent fill-in guest and all-purpose good sport for some of O'Brien's most engaging comedy segments. But ever since Roker admitted that he'd once soiled his pants at the White House and O'Brien's team had some fun with it, things have allegedly been icy between the men (or maybe they always had been?). Anyway, during an interview on something called "Stand Up" with Pete Dominick on SiriusXM, Roker managed to throw shade at Conan O'Brien and TBS in its entirety: "When [Conan] gets back on television, I think he's gonna have a great career. When he's on real TV it'll be great." When the host pointed out that O'Brien's on TBS and not, as Roker suggested, some "web thing," Roker responded "Doesn't that sound like a disease? I've got TBS." Roker went on to say that TBS and IBS are "the same kind of thing. Have you watched it?" So uh, yeah. A man who notoriously soiled his trousers due to a gastric bypass surgery is now comparing an entire cable network to a digestive disorder. Oh, but don't worry, Roker was very possibly joking about Conan O'Brien: "I like Conan, he's a lovely man. He's very bitter. But a lovely man." I think I speak for most of Americans when I say let's get these guys into a chain-link octagon ASAP. [TMZ]

In a world of complicated issues rife with gray area and nuance, probably no issue provokes more conflicting emotions than the paparazzi vs. celebrity altercation. Obviously paparazzi are human garbage, but it's OUR FAULT for clicking on photos of makeup-free celebrities flaunting their baby bumps. And while we respect celebrities as human beings who deserve happiness and privacy, that doesn't mean they can childishly punch out cameramen or break other people's property. See what I'm saying? Every side is wrong, every side is right. And that's BEFORE a confusing X-factor like Justin Bieber is thrown into the equation. This week one of Bieber's bodyguards was arrested for "felony theft" after he confiscated a paparazzo's $10K camera and never gave it back. Turns out you can't do that! Bieber himself was not actually charged with anything, so that's a rare lucky break for the embattled boy prince. But maybe there should be a seminar for all bodyguards and celebrities and paparazzi on sidewalk conflict resolution? Seems like a lot of people could stand to benefit from something like that. If any of you are the president of the Learning Annex, you know how to reach me. (Please do not reach me.) [TMZ]

Speaking of paparazzi troubles, we all know that Avatar's Sam Worthington was arrested recently for slugging a paparazzo who'd allegedly kicked his wife Lara Bingle. There had been some dispute about whether the fracas had been caused by an overly aggressive paparazzo or whether Bingle herself had thrown the first nudge. Now Page Six has a first-person video shot by the paparazzo that sheds some light on what went down, but for the most part functions as a harrowing shaky-cam thrill-ride about what happens when a camera-toting ghoul runs afoul of a pair of irascible Australians. It's hard to make out exactly what happens, but it's fairly riveting nonetheless:

[Page Six]

Now that she is officially out and proud, pint-sized national treasure Ellen Page gets to be subjected to the same aggressive, gossip industry romantic speculation/sexual harassment every other famous person does! Specifically that means if she dines with fellow actress Evan Rachel Wood, then you better believe the entire angle of that story will be that both women are openly non-heterosexual. Or, as Daily Mail condescendingly puts it, "While reaction to Ellen’s sexuality has been overwhelmingly positive, no doubt she is relieved to have friends such as Evan, who have been through a similar experience, to talk to." Nevemind the fact that Page has likely been out in her personal life for years and the actresses probably discussed more important issues like, I don't know, kale. But you keep doing all the investigative reporting, Daily Mail. Let no pair of non-heterosexuals doing lunch go unnoticed! [Daily Mail]

Recently America's Sweetheart-Turned-Nemesis Katherine Heigl asked fans to contribute money toward her newest film project and many decried it as the latest example of egregious celebrity panhandling in this Kickstarter era. (At the moment, Heigl's lesbian indie drama Jenny's Wedding has only reached 1/5 of its requested funding.) Perhaps TMZ sensed that people have grown weary of this trend and used Heigl's recent arrival at LAX to thoroughly grill the actress about it. Per TMZ's video, the most notable part of their (slightly harrowing) cross-examination comes when Heigl laughs out loud at the notion that she might personally come out of pocket to help fund the film. Obviously not! She went on to suggest that she simply didn't have much of an income these days, a statement that is either laughably false or deeply and sadly true (aw, no One For the Money sequels?). That being said, and despite Heigl's tarnished reputation of late, she comes across very good-spirited and articulate in TMZ's video, marking the first time in a while I've actually felt bad for her? Controversial statement alert: Maybe we should give Katherine Heigl another chance. She can be very charming and talented and maybe the backlash against her strong-willed nature has been possssibly laced with misogyny? Just thinking out loud! [TMZ]

Quick question, is it still winter? Personally I write these columns from an iron lung and even if I could reach my Cat-a-Day tear-away calendar it's been stuck on August 12, 2005, which was the fateful day my beloved left me at the altar and I retreated to the west wing where I lived in shadows wearing my increasingly tattered wedding attire and repeatedly falling down the stairs (because of living in the shadows). Anyway, if it IS still winter where you live, then you may or may not appreciate this photo of a NUDE Michelle Rodriguez getting some tropical rays nakedly. Just depends on your capacity to appreciate other people's happiness, I suppose. Enjoy!